Should dd be encouraged to be friends with this girl? I am going round in circles.

[HipposGoBeserk]

Dd is just 5yo.

She is a people pleaser, and a bit immature. Definitely not one of the cool kids, but very sweet natured.

She recently started a new school. One girl, F, befriended her immediately and they had a couple of afternoon plays.

Have been meaning to invite F over to ours, but dd not nagging me so hadn't got around to it.

I bumped into F's mother in town. She said she was pleased to have bumped in to me as apparently F has been crying a lot recently because dd won't talk to her, and also when would be a good time for F to come and play as we talked about?

I thanked F's mother for letting me know, promised to have a chat with dd, and said we would fix an afternoon soon.

Spoke to dd. Dd says that she is not being unkind to F, but that F is sometimes really annoying and won't let dd play with the other children. She says F wants to play ALL the time, and sometimes dd wants to do other things, so she walks away from F.

I can well imagine dd simply blanking F and walking away from her if she is feeling irritated by her (she does the same to me when I nag her sometimes ).

So, I reminded dd that F was very kind to her when she was brand new in school, and said that it was important not to hurt people's feelings. I asked her if she could try telling F when she doesn't want to play, or even including F in the game with the other people. Dd said that the other children don't want to let F play because she is annoying and spoils the game.

I asked her who F's best friend is and she said it was her.

The she said "It's okay Mummy. What I'll do is when I am feeling cross and annoyed with F I will just pop my feelings on a cloud and let them float away, and then I'll play with F even if I don't want to".

I have no idea where any of that came from.

So on the one hand, it sounds like this little girl F is having a hard time at school, and I don't want dd to join in with the other children excluding F.

But on the other hand, I don't want to teach dd that she must ignore her own feelings to appease someone more overbearing than her.

I can't believe that I am posting about 5yo school friendships, but I am at a loss as to what to do, and what to tell dd.

Please tell me what you think.

(F is coming over to play next week)

Your dd sounds lovely.

Um, not entirely sure - I occasionally have the same problem with ds where I don't want him to be unkind but equally don't want him to be walked all over.

That reminds me, I'm supposed to phone his friend's Mother over Easter and explain ds has decided against a joint party. Ds doesn't want to tell his friend himself because she'll get angry! I suggested he doesn't have to do what X tells him just to avoid her getting angry but from ds's point of view he just wants to avoid the hassle, and I can't really blame him...

(Their birthdays are months away, btw, ds isn't letting her down, they just started planning way in advance.)

I think you need to talk to F's mother and tell her what's been happening.

Or, wait till they're back at school and talk to the teacher. See if the teacher could have a word with F re playing nicely, taking it in turns to play with people etc. The teacher may be able to encourage friendships between F and other girls, taking some of the pressure off your DD.

I would get another child/ren to come over at the same time as F so that F understands better that she doesnt get your dd to herself and realises that you can play with more than just one person at a time. My children are a bit older but I often have 2 or 3 over at the same time as it seems less pressured and if two want to do something different then the other two can play a different game or take it in turns.

Having other children there is a good idea - although in this situation I would worry about F simply being left out again.

Hassled - yes, I will tell F's mother that I have spoken to dd. But how to say "she doesn't want to be best friends" when F is clearly terribly upset about this, and F's mother is worried?

If F is having problems making friends, I suspect her mother was delighted when F and dd became friends. I know I would be if the situation were reversed.

Thank you Edam. She is a sweetie. I worry about her being a bit walked on.

I did wonder about mentioning it to the teacher, but she can presumably see the classroom dynamic and I don't want to fuss about friendships.

Think it probably is worth mentioning to the teacher. My son's teachers have always said 'if it's worrying him, I'd like to know about it'. (Whenever I've prefaced something with 'this is probably nothing and I don't want to bother you but...')

I think I might give dd a couple of stock phrases to use:

"Sorry F, I don't want to play that game right now"

"I'm going to do XXX now, and you can join in if you like"

"Everyone is playing XXX, shall we join in? Come on!"

And tell her that she doesn't have to play with F at school unless she wants to, but she mustn't be unkind. And remind her that I won't be cross and she can tell me all about it if it's bothering her.

And I'll continue to have the odd play time with F outside school.

Does that sound okay?

And perhaps not mention anything to the teacher for now.

Oh, X post!

Hmm. Her teacher is lovely and very approachable.

How shall I phrase it?

"F's mum said that dd was upsetting F. Is there anything going on that I need to know about?"

"IS everything okay between dd and F?"

I don't quite know how to put it, because I don't think dd has done anything wrong, so it feels a bit tell-taley. Of course it is always possible that I am totally blinkered and she is being mean to F.

Second option.

I think you should let her play...they're only 5 and it is a kindess to this other girl.

I encourage my DD to try and include others...it helps make them more patient...they choose their wn friends in the end anyway....but an odd playdate won't be skin of your or her nose.

Update:

Was chatting to teacher today and was able to mention it in a v low key way. Teacher was gobsmacked, as was teaching assistant. Said that she was amazed, as dd plays with F all the time, and is endlessly patient with her when she is being grabby and pushy. She assured me that dd was not being unkind to F at all.

I said that as long as that was the case, she and the ta were obviously completely aware of the situation so I would leave it for them to manage.

I am pleased I mentioned it because I feel they will be more likely to notice if dd is being a bit dominated by F. Also, we chatted v briefly about other friendships dd has in the class.

F can continue to have the odd afternoon play with dd, and she is coming over next week.

Thanks all.
:)

oh, I was just going to comment on your lovely daughter. I love the "pop my feelings in a cloud and let them float away" comment.

Glad you have got it sorted out.

Thank you MmeL :)

Y'see I worry a bit that she is too quick to put herself second. But it is a lovely image, and she is a sweet girl. I am proud of her for not joining in and excluding F.