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Original poster

I don't feel anything for DS

21 replies

addictedtocbeebies · 16/04/2011 09:27

DS is my second child. He is 8m and i have found him/having 2dc quite hard work.

He is not a particularly jolly baby. I suspect he actually likes to grizzle

I like him, i think he is cute, i like to give him cuddles and kisses but feel i should hand him back to his mum iyswim? I think he is starting to feel a bit like that with me too.

I find myself thinking "if we hadn't got DS" or "If we had decided to stop after DD"

Rationally i know i am not the first to feel like this and suspect i may have even felt like this after having DD at some point. With DD i almost expected to have these feelings as she was quite a surprise, but feel that as DS was planned i shouldn't feel like this.

He really stresses me out tbh

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HecateQueenOfTheNight · 16/04/2011 09:38

talk to someone. health visitor, husband, gp?

He's not grizzling cos he likes it, he's grizzling cos he's a baby. grizzling is how they tell you they need something / want something etc

you could have pnd. both feeling like his grizzling is a choice he is making and distanced from him (not feeling like his mother) could indicate that. But I am not a professional and am not attempting to diagnose you. I am just suggesting that it may be a good idea to talk to someone in rl.

washnomore · 16/04/2011 09:41

Awwwwwwwww :( You sound sad. But very brave to talk about this.

I am the other way round. My DS was my first and a very difficult baby. I warmed to him a lot but he went through a tough patch when I was pregnant with DD and we've not quite got back to the good terms we had before she came along. She's generally content and smiley and easy going. It's very difficult not to find him an irritation.

I think we have to love our kids actively, not passively - that means making an effort through the bad times when really you don't want to. And the first 8 months of a child's life aren't the most rewarding, let's be honest. Grizzly babies usually turn a corner when they can move and communicate - it won't be long before his personality comes shining through and until then you can teach yourself to love him. The main thing is to get a break sometimes - do you?

Original poster

addictedtocbeebies · 16/04/2011 09:50

Thank you for replying.

I am sure that once he is more mobile he will be happier. It does seem to be frustration that sets him off.

I don't really get a break. I have namechanged and don't want to give too much away, but my DH works quite long hours, i don't have family close enough to be any practical help (nor emotional tbh) I have some fantastic friends who would be happy to help out but they all have their own kids, so i feel uncomfortable asking if they can have mine just so i can have some peace.

I am still bfing, DS won't take a bottle, although he likes to play with a cup, so feel quite tied to him. I don't know if i am just resenting his baby behaviour because i find DD so much easier (she is 3)

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Becaroooo · 16/04/2011 09:51

You sound like you may have PND which is a horrid insidious thing and takes away your happiness/delight in your dc....

I think it is hard going from 1 to 2...I certainly found it so!

Go and see your GP or HV and tell them how you feel x

Original poster

addictedtocbeebies · 16/04/2011 09:57

I don't know/feel it is pnd as i am aware of it iyswim?

I do hate to admit that i am not coping. I think it would be quite a blow to go to someone for help only to be told "Yes it is tough" but not actually give me any advice or help.

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Becaroooo · 16/04/2011 10:04

If you tell them how you feel you will get help....you may not believe its PND - I certainly didnt and fought the diagnosis for far too long! - but if you are struggling to bond with your baby (which it sounds like) then that is the most likely cause.

As I said, its an insidious illness...and yet with medication it can be gone in a matter of days (in my case)

"I hate to admit I am not coping" Yes. I understand. Thats EXACTLY how I felt and I refused to admit for a long, long time to the detriment of my health and my ds1.

I felt very protective of my ds1 but the love took a while...but it came

Original poster

addictedtocbeebies · 16/04/2011 10:05

If i see someone who is pg and with a small child i do feel like warning them, but DH has said he has the same feelings, so perhaps it is just that we are struggling to adjust and it is no more than that?

I do love him when he is cuddled up asleep after a feed. At that point i want to spend as much time as i can with him. It is just when he is awake i struggle to do anything with him, i can't see to make him happy.

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Original poster

addictedtocbeebies · 16/04/2011 10:08

Yes Becaroooo, it does feel like we haven't bonded. I don't feel hatred towards him, or want to harm him, just that i am looking after someone elses baby, no real bond

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washnomore · 16/04/2011 10:11

This may sound counterintuitive - and you need a break from the kids sometimes full stop, even for an hour a couple of times a week - but do you spend any time alone with him, while your DH takes your DD? You may find when he can enjoy your undivided attention that he's a lot more pleasant and easier going, which can help a lot.

Becaroooo · 16/04/2011 10:16

I understand. I really do.

I remember telling my mum she was better at looking after ds1 than I was! And the thing is...I really beleived that.

I wish someone had told me that the first few months with any baby (even the mythical ones that never get ill, sleeep throught from 2 weeks and have no problems feeding!) are bloody hard slog

I vivdly remember someone I worked with once (prior to having dc) that "the first 2 years are the hardest"....she was so right! But at the time I was mortified that she could be so blase ablout 2 years of her life!!!!

Even now - ds2 is 2.5 - I find myself thinking "it will be easier when he talks more/is potty trained/eats better/sleeps better/starts nursery....."

My life (and yours i suspect) resembles "groundhog day" atm i.e. same things done day in day out Its tough but it shouldnt stop you bonding with your son...

Please go and see someone - i widh someone had sais this to me .

The relief I felt when I told my GP how I felt was so immense...literally a weight lifted from me and he was so kind to me and listened and didnt judge (something which I was very worried about!) I was put on ADs and was on them for 4 months. Within a week I was "me" again.

xxxx

Becaroooo · 16/04/2011 10:17

sorry for all the typos!

Original poster

addictedtocbeebies · 16/04/2011 10:21

When DS was born, DH kept DD occupied, left me and DS snuggled up and it was lovely, although it did mean that DD felt left out and started acting up and DH took a long time to warm to DS. In the early days i enjoyed having him, he fed and slept lots and unlike DD the first few days, was happy to be put in his cot/basket. He then suffered with colic from about 6-12wks which didn't bother me but DH struggled with. The bfing was new to all of us and we found the continued growth spurts very hard. Feeding every 2hrs for 10days at a time had me on my knees!

We felt the need to do some cc/sleep training when he got to 6m due to him waking up to 6x a night. We now have quite good nights, he tends to have 2 naps a day and has this week moved out of our room, so things shold be looking up, but i am findng it harder, not easier. I think in my mind i hadn't expected to still find him so full on still at 8m.

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Becaroooo · 16/04/2011 10:29

I think sometimes that if you BF (dons hard hat!) the dh/dp can find bonding hard as he cant really help with feeds (although obviously he can do bathtime/nappies etc)

Its hard to split your time between 2 dc....I certainly found it so. ds1 has not really shown much jealousy towards ds2 but then he was 5 when he was born so old enough to understand that they dont stay babies forever and things would get better/easier.

I found things got tougher when ds2 learnt to walk - at 9 months!!!

There is no easy answer, but I think you really need to tell someone how you are feeling

Original poster

addictedtocbeebies · 16/04/2011 10:56

Thank you for listening. I think i was just feeling so much guilt that i had to get it off my chest you know?

I agree with the bfing. Strangely i struggled feeding DD and DH gave me quite a hard time about switching to bottles (he knew how much i wanted to feed) but i think that by switching to bottles it meant he did bond better with her and they are very close now and he is a fab dad.

My grandma always tells me boys are much harder work in the early years. Maybe that is all it is and once he can do wht his sister does he will be happier, and we will find him easier and bond with him.

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Original poster

addictedtocbeebies · 16/04/2011 10:58

Does make you feel a bit of a failure really though. After i had DD i was so greatful that i could be a SAHM, since having DS i wish i had a job to go to sometimes

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Bensmum76 · 16/04/2011 11:42

I have a 3.6 year old son and an 8 week old son and have been diagnosed with PND. I could quite honestly give ds2 to somebody else and wish everyday that I hadn't had him. Even before we tried for him I gad doubts about it but went ahead and got pregnant anyway.
I am hoping things will improve. I hate him sleeping on me for naps and find it such a bind. I look forward to the day when I can o controlled crying and get him sleeping on his own for naps. He sleeps well and settles himself at night quite well. I understand exactly how you feel and can emphathise with you completely

Original poster

addictedtocbeebies · 16/04/2011 12:06

poor you

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spanky2 · 16/04/2011 13:25

I feel guilty as my ds2 is really naughty and attention seeking. I have thought that I don't love him and wish he hadn't been born. But when he fell down the stairs from the top - because he was so busy telling me that he wasn't going to put his shoes on like I had asked him to rather than concentrating on getting down stairs, it did make me realise that I do love him as much as the other one. He is difficult and can be unpleasant to be around and intensly frustrating. I think some of my feelings came from post natal depression. I wasn't diagnosed until he was nearly three. Tbh the undiagnosed depression may be at the root of his behaviour. Depression creeps up on you. I didn't think anything was wrong until my Mum pointed out that anyone who has slept for 18 hours and is still tired needs to see the doctor. Good luck.

Oneof4 · 16/04/2011 13:45

I have a 7 week old DS and am only just beginning to feel anything for him. I instinctively protect and care for him, but can't say that I love him. He's grizzly as well - to the point of screaming fits most days - for no apparent reason. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and I'm fortunate that my DH is head over heels for the baby.

I told my HV last week and she has sprung into action. It was such a relief to tell someone how I feel and get some support. I do believe it will get better - it must - though at the moment I feel as though I'm wishing my life away one day at a time!

Best of luck to you. Try telling someone and seeing how they can help. And if you can get a break at all then do.

(oh, and I'm in awe of you bf all this time feeling as you do - well done.)

Becaroooo · 16/04/2011 22:16

addicted I have been a SAHM for 8 years now...and I feel like that sometimes too. There are days when I long for my old life, you know? No responsibilites, no ties, loads of disposable income, plenty of confidence etc etc

For example, I have been out this afternoon/evening (very rare!) at a hen party/meal thing. Got home later than expected at 8.30 and thought dc would be in bed.

sigh........Both still awake, both crying and upset, both said it was because they were missing me Dh gets angry with them and annoyed they wont settle for him and I get fed up as I never get a break.

Its hard, but they wont be little forever (so I keep reminding myself!!)

oneof4 well done for talking to someone! Hope you feel better soon x

EssexGurl · 19/04/2011 17:56

I felt like that with DD. I had a very traumatic time with DS - birth, colic, PND - and it took a long time for us to bond. But once we got over that we had a fantastic relationship. I worked 4 days a week so we had one day of Mummy and DS time. When DD came along almost 4 years later, I felt that I didn't love her as much as DS. Hers was a much easier birth and she was a much easier baby. Maybe as I didn't have that struggle I didn't need to focus on her as much, if you see what I mean. Anyway, she is coming up to 2 and is a delight and I love her as much as DS but in a different way. I think that we all buy into this myth that we bond/fall in love with our babies the moment we see them. But I have found with both of mine that I have needed to get to know them before I truly loved thme. If that makes sense.

I think it will come for you, just don't force it!

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