Confused about going from 1 dc to 2. HELP!

[MyGardenIsStillSavage]

I am sure this must have been done before but just wanting some advice please.

DH and have a 4 yr old ds. We are now considering having another child.

Financially we are doing well but only because when ds stated school I started part time work which means we have a nice enough standard of living and a few extras.

However, I didn't work til ds was 3 and we were entirely reliant upon DH's wage which only really pays for mortgage, ca, utilities, shopping etc but not what I would call luxuries ie. weekends away and trips out with ds, decorating etc.

Now I am thinking it's sort of now or never to have another dc before the age gap is so large. I know there is no guarantee that the two children would get on regardless of age gap but I don't want to feel like I have 2 only children iyswim? I want them to still be able to enjoy similar activities and days out and have some sort of a childhood together.

However, like I said I didn't work when ds was a baby and I wouldn't really want to work with the next one but finincially in order to maintain what we have I would have to.

I know noone can really answer this with any accuracy but how much more expensive is it having 2 children rather than 1? Did it make a big difference to you?

In terms of your relationship with child 1, did that change after dc2? I am worried that after 4yrs of ds being the centre of our univers that I won't have the same time I have for him now which makes me sad. Is it a lot harder with two? I don't know how you split yourself between them effectively with such a big (ish) age gap.

Anyone got any experiences of a 4-5 yr age gap?

Tell me it's harder than I think it is because right now our family doesn't feel complete and all the money worries seem to just be nothing in comparrison to my need for another child! Does anyone wish they had stayed with one? (not wishing you didn't have dc2 obviously but just realised they were happier or less strained before). Any tips or advice welcome.

I have two DDs aged 3.6 and 5mo. I was - and am still - a little freaked out by the idea of having two children as I am an only child myself. I have no idea what it's like to have sibilings. I honestly thought I couldn't possibly love another child but that couldn't be further from the reality. Someone on here once talked about "growing another sprong of love" or something similar and that's exactly what's happened. I always wanted more than one child. I'm hoping that a desire to have a DC3 is caused by residual pregnancy hormones or something...

It has been hard, but as each day goes by, it's getting easier. And I would have thought having a school-age child would be easier still as they would be very independent.

So far, we've managed to keep extra costs down as we have two DDs born at a similar time of year and a similar birth weight. And we have all the equipment. I've always worked: full-time until DD1 was nearly 2 and now I'm part-time (on mat leave at the moment).

If you both want it, I'd say go for it!

hi. i've got 2 beautiful boys, 4 and 8. they play together beautifully. the eldest is a fantastic big brother - patient and mature. he has literally never displayed any jealousy of his little brother. i attribute this in part to the fact that he was well-tended for 4 years; he had his every emotional need met and consequently was secure enough in himself to feel not feel his position or identity were threatened when his brother came along. i think 4-5 years is an ideal gap - certainly much easier than 2-3 years, when i think it can appear that a child needs less because they are physically more independent, but in fact they need a great deal emotionally.
for me, going from 1 to 2 children was very, very hard. i'd had all that time with my beloved eldest - we were a team - and i felt that i spent a good part of the first year of the new baby's life mourning the end of that phase of the relationship with my eldest. it didn't affect my relationship with the baby, though. whenever i've spoken about this with friends who have more than 1 child, they've nodded knowingly and sympathetically...so i think it's a common phenomenon.
we're fine now, btw! am ttc to conceive number 3, after much persuading of husband. - rationalised in the end by thinking that you never, ever regret the presence of a child, but that we might well regret the absence of a child.

Hi I have 2 DD, aged 5 and 3 so my age gap is much smaller but thought i'd comments generally about having 2 kids. I love it and tbh i find it much easier having 2 than 1. Ok, practically there is more to do, but second time round things come easier as you know what you are doing and the little things that you stress at first time round are nothing the next time. I think maybe you may not feel the benefit of this with a 4 year gap as i know lots of people who have large gaps find it more of a challenge than those with smaller gaps but having said that i think if you are an organised person who coped well the first time, then you will be fine with No2. Plus 2 kids entertain each other and free up your time. Financially, i think its not massively different - especially for the first couple of years. Food wise, i found i often threw a lot of food away with one child whereas now i don't as they share items. Theres also the hand-me-down clothes!! Days out etc shouldn't change for a while as under 2 are usually free in most places inc holidays. Later on things change but you adapt e.g. we have been abroad for holidays the last 4 years with both of them but now my eldest is in school we are still going abroad but adapting to a key camp in summer holidays to save money. I am all for standard of living but i think the benefits of 2 outweigh material reasons -however i am sticking at 2 as the benefits of a 3rd don't outweigh the impact financially on the whole family - for us that is!

I'm currently on mat leave with no. 2. We have a 5.2 age gap. So far it's working out fine. I do miss all the attention and time no.1 and I used to have together but to be honest I was missing that once he'd gone off to school any way. I adore my boys more than words can say. I love, love, love having 2 lovely boys and so far so good. We are managing ok money wise too right now, although I expect that to change a bit when DS2 goes to nursery, although we are discussing options and life choices at the moment as my job has been put at risk of redundancy.

Anyway, back on topic, we're so happy as four. I would actually love another one.

Thank you all for your very helpful comments and support! We have decided to go for it so hopefully won't have any problems conceiving or else the age gap will just grow and grow which bothers me a bit.

Anyway, thanks once again. I like the fact that all your comments are positive and reassuring. Makes me feel a lot less crazy for considering going through the new born and sleepless nights again!

I wonder how it will work out financially but I suppose at a push I could perhaps reduct my hours at work and still work part time. I currently work 20 hours a weel but would want to reduce to about 12-16 hours. Does anyone know where I stand in this legally? Am I able to request to work less after maternity leave? Or can they just say either work your 20 hours or don't bother coming back? NOt really sure how it works as I didn't work from being 28 weeks pregnant (temporary contract ended) and I didn't go back to work wil ds was 3 so I've never had to deal with maternity leave or anything like that.

Suprising how many of you have said you love having two but would love a third! I always wanted 3 children but then me had ds and realised that 2 might be enough for us .

hiya, i was full time until i had my first dd, after which i returned to work 3 days. They have to consider any request you make but they don't have to grant it - however there are certain reasons they have to give if they refuse - e.g not good for business, or has a negative effect on customers etc etc. When i asked about reducing hours, i was told that if others were doing similar hours to your request then it would be virtually impossible for them to refuse as thats looks more like discrimination. See your employer and put request in writing formally. From what i remember (5yrs ago) - you need to sort this before going back after having the baby - i think if you go back to work on your previous hours its easier for them to refuse. My sister in law is a travel agent manager and her request for 4 days was refused (even after appeal) but they did agree to reduced days for 1 year afterwards (as appeal itself took about 6 months to go through)

Ahh interesting thank you for the information Kitkat. I think it may well be do-able with work then as another lady works only mornings because of childcare and I primarily do afternoons except on a Friday when I do a full day which is the day I would like to reduce so I just do 4 hours in afternoon instead of 8.

I love my job and I would be sad to leave but if they declined my change of hours than I would leave and do without luxuries. I do not want to be away from a baby for a full day. The only reason I do it now is because ds is at school so isn't aware of me not being there!

A lot of things to sort out and think about and I haven't even conceived yet!