Please help- At end of tether.

[Andie20521]

I posted this in Sleep but have had no replys...sitting here in tears cant take much more of this

My 21 week DD has always been a good sleeper, and normally goes down half drowsey in her Moses basket. No issues with her, self settles if she wakes in the night etc

The last 48/72 hours have turned into hell! Every night, or daytime nap she has started screaching every time I try and put her down. I tried comforting and putting her back once she is calm, repeatedly but the screaming at full volume starts again.

I don't want to get into bad habits such as feeding/rocking her to sleep etc which is what I have resorted to. I really don't want to do controlled crying, but I know its a temper thing as as soon as she is lifted out she smiles and then yawns etc so I don't want her to get the wrong cues ie I cry Mummy will let me play,or let me fall asleep on her!

She is getting herself over tired, and then its a full blown hysterical cry.

Any suggestions please?

Hi,

Sleep deprivation is hell but please don't be too hard on yourself. I know it's hard to do. I tortured myself about whether I was spoiling my DS1 by rocking him to sleep and I gradually stopped rocking him to sleep and by 8/9 months, he self-settled. With DS2 (he's going to be my last), I've not stressed about rocking/feeding to sleep at all. I wanted to enjoy cuddling him etc while he was still little (DS1 now 3 and loves cuddle but no way he will sleep in my arms! ). I've gone with the flow a lot more and he's 17 months old and will go to sleep with a bottle of milk, I go in the room to retrieve the bottle (he waits to give it to me!) and just goes to sleep with no drama and this is with no sleep training whatsoever. Your DD is still little, give her lots of cuddles. OF course she will cry for mummy because you are her world at the moment. You are not spoiling her, she just wants to be with you. Can you put her in a sling during the day? These days will go by very fast. Just enjoy the cuddles, she will learn to self-settle in time. Sorry if I am not much help, just be kind to yourself. Can you also take her to sleep with you in the afternoon so you get some rest too? You sound tired, you poor thing!

Ax

I would get a gp appt to double check it's not an ear infection - they hurt so much more when they lay down rather than being more upright.

I agree - sounds like a sudden medical problem. It's not temper - she's WAY too young for that.

Don't worry about 'bad habits' - even if she does start wanting that to go to sleep, she'll grow out of it. I've always fed or rocked my DS to sleep and it's interesting to see him get more and more independent in how he goes to sleep, even getting cross when I try to interfere sometimes.

I'm with CarGirl, DS2 had a lot of ear infections when he was younger and we finally learnt that this sort of misery when he was laid down, especially if he'd got a bit of a sniffle, was a dead giveaway, long before his temperature came up.

Give her the cuddles, she obviously really needs them atm,but try and get some help so you can have a break or a nap yourself. Everything is so horribly hard when you're tired.

I think your expectations are way, way too high tbh.

Maybe it was luck or a fluke that she was a 'good' sleeper to start with but really it's v normal for babies to want to be picked up, comforted, fed etc in the night.

Are you bottle or breast feeding her? What's her feeding pattern like in the night? Maybe she is actually hungry? Maybe she needs some comfort?

She's too young to manipulate you and feeding or rocking to sleep are not bad habits. I know how hard and tiring it is though - can you share the nights with your dh/dp (if you're not b/f that is)?

April 1976 has some good advice. It's also a good idea to check that she doesn't have an ear infection or anything else. I agree she's too young to be 'naughty' in the way you describe, and I don't think it's a bad habit to rock her to sleep. Babies need lots of cuddles.

Ime babies move in and out of phases - often for no apparent reason. You just have to be flexible and accept that as she grows older different things will work. Apparently babies realise they are separate people from their parents at some stage, and go through something called 'separation anxiety' - but I don't know if that's got anything to do with what your baby is going through.

The thing that worked best for me when I had little ones, was to get someone else (my mother) to put them down. She was often successful when I wasn't, and I think it was because I was more anxious or rushed or just desperate for them to go to sleep.

Can someone else help? They wouldn't have to do it more than a few times - just long enough to break the spell. It's such a shame when young women have to deal with crying babies, on their own, day and night. It's absolutely exhausting.

Good luck.

My dc3 started doing that around the same age after having been a great sleeper until then. dc1 and dc2 were always good sleepers so I thought I had the whole thing cracked - ha! I gave her a dummy and it helped so much. She loved it and fell asleep with no crying. The only issue we had was she sometimes woke up because she'd lost it, but once she was about 7/8 months, I used to put about 5 of them in the cot and she learned how to find one herself! It really made all the difference. I was worried about having to take it away later, but we removed it when she went into a bed around 2, with no problems at all. I wouldn't hesitate to give a dummy if it helps. Not all babies like them, but worth a try?

Thanks! Feeling more sane now after a good nights sleep!

She had become hysterical again last night, real tears, looking terrified as if something bad had happened , me and DH took turns, even rocking her in the end wasn't working still screaming at full blast, so we let her fall asleep on Daddy, which took nearly an hour, as she had really worked herself up. So 3 hour struggle in total.

Once she was asleep, I went to bed, skipping the dream feed as too early, and she slept until 5.30, when I popped her dummy in and she went straight to sleep back until 8am! Felt really guilty when I woke up as not done dream feed, so she was quite hungry- oh well! As DH said if she was hungry she would have woken me up.

I have gone back to basics today and have just swaddled her, and did shush/pat- the difference was amazing she stopped struggling after a brief cry and just snuggled into me :) so have put her down for her afternoon nap, so fingers crossed.

I dont think its an ear infection (could be wrong) as she is fine in her playpen(two hairy dogs- need a hair free place for her to roll about in!) and on the changing mat.

She's EBF, with no set schedule, more of a routine led by her as follows:

Wake up anytime between 6 to 8 am, BF, nappy change, cuddles in bed with mummy.
An hour (ish) after that she starts to yawn, I pop her back in her moses basket, and make the bed, by time I lay out clothes and run a bath shes fast asleep for around 45 minutes. (Quick dip in bath/dress/coffee for me)

When she wakes she has another feed, a 10 min play in her Jumperoo, tummy time with nappy off, then a bath which she loves. Normally then she yawns/gets grumpy (Awake for roughly 2 hours at this point) so has her afernoon nap which is anything from 1-2 hours) and then another feed.

In the afternoon I try and get out, so she will sleep for a bit in her car chair or pram, but more like 10 minute snatches here and there.

She goes about another 3 hours then feeds so last feed daytime is around 5-6 pm depending on her.

Between 6-7 she gets really tired and until this week, would be changed, snuggled for about 10-15 minutes until drowsy and popped in her basket. I'd stay until she was fast asleep (10-20 minutes), and mostly she would stay there until her dreamfeed (11ish) in a really deep sleep- wouldn't even stir to open her eyes just feed, straight back down, until about the next morning.

So this week has been a real eye opener, she is really fighting her sleep! I see how lucky I have been, but I guess her needs are changing, she is getting seperation anxiety whereas before I could happily be out of sight for a moment (ie on loo etc while she was in her play gym!) now she squeals until she can see me again-not to be held but just reassurence.

Hubby said if she won't go down tonight to keep her up until he comes home at 9pm and he'll try, and not to tie myself up in knots over it. He is a complete star, as he could see the state that I was getting myself into.

I guess rocking to sleep isn't the end of the world, (And shush/pat really is exactly that) but I was starting to feel like mrs smuggy-smug (me) was getting her comeupence in a truely big way!!!

So glad you had a bit of sleep, Andie! It sounds as if you have a lovely routine there, and have really been enjoying your baby.

The only thing with a routine is that you have to make sure it doesn't become so fixed that it is inconvenient and stops you doing things you want to do.

You might never know for sure why one minute something works but the next minute it doesn't; or why someone can do something with her but someone else can't!

Keep up with the cuddles. It sounds like you and your husband are doing fine!

Andie You sound much better and happier! I agree with Mellow, don't get too routined, try and go with the flow... At their age, things change very quickly and sometimes you will find out they might not want something that you think they do! For example, my DS2 never liked having a DF. He flat out refused it and got angry whenever I woke him up for one! In the end, I just left him and fed him whenever he woke up in the night but he dropped the night feeds very early on as he was never a big milk drinker when little. But my DS1 loved having a DF.

Take good care of yourself now and take your DH's support when offered. He sounds like he's really trying to help you and he's right, don't stress if she is not in bed by 7pm. It really doesn't hurt them to stay up a bit later. Again, my DS1 always needed to be in bed by 6.30/7pm when little. DS2 is a little night owl and happy to stay up till late though I do make sure he is in bed most nights by 8!

Ah, it sounds from your last post like it's that third nap (or lack of) which is causing the problem. All the sleep books agree that a nap of less than 30 mins is the equivalent to no nap at all.

It sounds like she's overtired from not having a proper third nap, which then makes it harder for her to go to sleep, and causes problems with night waking too. Fighting sleep is often a sign of overtiredness - overtired babies need a lot more help to go to sleep / stay asleep.

I'd do whatever you can to get a good nap in the afternoon so she's not wrecked by bedtime - that should help everything.

Just to say I always found a sudden spell of crying at every sleep time was often followed by an illness a few days later. The reason usually comes clear later. And cuddle whilst its happening, when theyre well again they go back to their old routine ive found.

She's so young. Believe me, this is not worth getting worked up about. If cuddling her to sleep is what it takes, then do it. I hate all this talk about bad habits etc. Perhaps she's hungry or having a growth spurt or... there could be a thousand reasons. Why is it so important that she's in her moses basket by a certain time every night?