I just don't understand DD2

[Divingforpearls]

This is terribly hard to admit, but if I don't talk about it I'm going to have problems - I almost said "I don't even love you!" to my 5 year old DD. Instead, I managed "you're making it very difficult for mummy to love you", and the truth is, I've never understood her, she is ridiculously independent and obstinate. My DD1 is brilliant, WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER, she loves just being with me, and I with her. I've never been enough for the 2nd one, she says things like "I think I prefer daddy to mummy" which I knew even when she was in the womb. Sometimes I don't even like her, and resent her taking time away from DD1. I've tried and tried, I breastfed her till she was 16 months, when I realized that she was getting so strong and I was getting so weak (thin though - yay!). She's not a girly girl, hates having hair brushed, she's hard to really talk to, as she's rather be off building something, like her dad. I am finding it hard to find ways to love her, there seems to be no way in. I've read to her most nights for over 4 years, we colour in together, etc. but I just DON'T GET HER! I'd really like to know if anybody elso connects more with one child than the other, and how do you deal with the guilt?

I'm sorry you feel like this, very brave of you to post on something which you are clearly finding so hard.

I can only talk from a step-parent perspective and all I can say is to keep trying and trying and trying until the attachment forms. Though this is perhaps simplistic, and doesn't really reflect how hard you are clearly finding it. The guilt is another matter though - I found I mostly felt guilty when I knew I wasn't putting her needs first and almost reacting like I would to an adult, when I really grasped that this was a child, who needed me, however I felt, it was easier to be consistent and give her what she needed. Keep at it. But don't say that you find it hard to love her - she's only little and will hurt her self-esteem.

Did you have post-natal depression? It sounds like it's never been easy for you, and feeling like she preferred her father from the womb is not something that could have happened.

My mother definitely felt like this with me. This I could cope with. What made it worse was her utter denial that she felt like that and insistence that she 'could see inside my head and knew what I was thinking' .

From what I remember, you dd2 needs to look for and keep reminding yourself of her traits/behaviour/personality/talents that you do like and focus on them. She can also cope with you acknowledging that you sometimes find it hard to understand her, but will always try. I agree that that saying 'you're making it difficult for me to love you' is potentially harmful - saying 'I get a bit stressed when xyz' is puts the onus on you being responsible for your feelings and focuses on a behaviour ie something that can be changed not a personality train, which can't.

Maybe you don't need a 'way in'? I dunno. Maybe if she can see you trying to understand and work her out from a distance with no 'I wish you were different/I wish you were more like dd1' undertones, she'd come to you?

I do think it's positive that you've identified what you feel and hopefully you and your dh can find some positive ways forward.

In the womb, she 'woke up' and got really interested, when she heard her dads voice after the day without him around. It was the way it was.

Everyone says DD1 is just like me, and DD2 is just like him. I feel like she is more HIS daughter than mine...is this a 'thing' that happens when you've more than one child?? I've really tried. Maybe I want her to need me more than she does? She's got more determination than anyone I know! and certainly more than me - she has worn me down, and I resent that. She has been 10 times more tantrum-y and disruptive than her sister was, her behaviour came as quite a shock. So hard. Also, she idolizes her sister, and always wants her instead of me. I just want to be her mummy, but she'd prefer her sister to brush her hair, clean her teeth, hold her hand. I know I should be glad she loves her sister, but it's not fair on DD1 really, she's just 10, and doesn't need a 5 year old wanting her to do all these things. If it wasn't for my wonderful 10 year old, I would really think that I am a terrible mother, for not understanding my child, and not even liking her sometimes. I NEED to mother her, but she doesn't want me to do it! I guess she's not a baby any more. Should I try harder or back off? Still feeling guily.

Thanks for your calm and objective views by the way. This is hard to talk about, so it's a bit jumbled, sorry.

We have similar DD1 looks and thinks like me and we like the same food, (veg)etc
DD2 looks like dad, prefers him and likes same food (meat) - she calls herself daddys baby and calls her big sis mummys baby which we all go along with coz to be honest it's true.I think maybe that is how it's going to be but I just haev to keep going with dd2 until one day we find some common ground.Hard innit?

Hello! Sorry to hear the troubles you are going through. Just wanted to say that the thing where the in-utero baby responds to daddy is really common in fact. The growing baby can hear the lower pitched frequency of male voices better than female, so they do tend to get a big reaction of lots of jiggling around.

Is your 5yo DD always happier in isolation? Does she interact well with anyone other than her father and sister?

My mum clearly felt like this about me. She really 'got' my sister but she and I are so different. It was horrible.

I think we got into a self-perpetuating cycle where she thought I was difficult, responded as such, then I felt more rejected, and then behaved badly, and on went the cycle. I wish we had had some help in dealing with it while i was younger. I count my lucky stars that I now feel truly loved, accepted for who I am by my dh and dds.

It sounds to me as though she feels rejected by you. And you really know that saying she makes it hard for you to love her is wrong.

You are the adult though and it is down to you to change it. I think you should get some professional help in addressing it and try to find ways to overcome it and to change the assumptions and patterns of behaviour.

This may be entirely off the wall but from the way you describe your DD2 she sounds quite 'boyish' in outlook - independence, building things etc.
It sounds like the things you enjoy doing with DD1 involve girly stuff like hair brushing. But maybe if you thought about your DD2 less like a daughter and more like a son you might find ways to connect that you hadn't thought of before.
Have you tried kicking a football with her, or getting really messy, or teaching her to ride a bike. Does your DP rough house with her? Maybe thats what she's craving.

I hope you find a way in. Please don't give up, children thrive with 2 parents so don't just leave her to be with dad.

I have a daughter I don't "get". We both acknowledge this and she knows that I love her, even if I don't understand her. She's a girly girl who really cares what others think of how she looks/acts etc, whilst I'm the opposite. She gets loads of cuddles from her far more tactile father, and we both look forward to when she's older and have an easier relationship. We are on our way there now she's 12 and we chat about stuff she needs to know.

One thing, always state it's behaviour you don't like, not the actual child. That's a biggie for self esteem.

My mum felt like this about me. We never clicked, and I was always a 'daddy's girl'. I also wonder since having a baby if she had a difficult birth with me, because I feel now that we never really bonded. She said she had to completely change her parenting techniques when I came along, because I wouldn't listen, didn't care if she smacked me etc. I know these things because she talks to my sisters about me, not because she ever talked to me about it. It was simply a difference in personalities, no one's fault.

I don't really know what to suggest, except to second the advice to talk to someone about this, so you feel OK about it. There might come a time when she turns to you more - I know when I got a bit older and had boy troubles etc I always knew I could call my mum, and she is the only person I would trust with my own baby. If you find a way of dealing with your frustration/anger you won't say things you regret to her, which was where things really went wrong between me and my mum. It's still early days for you though.

To Rosebud, I wrote down 'focus on the traits/ personality / behaviour / talents that you do like. Don't wish she was different' on a large piece of paper and put it somewhere where I (not her! ) can see it alot. It has really helped, and I feel actually positive about our relationship. When you put it like this, she has many many wonderful qualities. I have been really pulled up short. Amazing what shifting the focus from the negative to the positive can do. Unfortunately, I'm not a very football / wrestling person. I know for a fact that her dad has been working too much, and I think she really needs what he could teach her. He works 10 hours a day, and I do the childcare...I am just left feeling inadequate for not being like daddy. I wonder whether he would do more with her if she was a boy. Wow, at least now I can appreciate what she needs and what she is like, and want to help her achieve it. I hope she can look past my inadequacies too. It's the least I can do, to at least do 'mummy' well. I can't do 'daddy' as well!

Thanks everyone, you really helped. But I am sad I felt like that. It's good to express these things, right?

Monkoray-

So independence is a male trait and the OP should do 'male' things with her?

Wow!

On the subject of her asking her sister to do stuff I would just say oh no let mummy do it. Sometimes my ds asks for different people to do things for attention from them. I think they almost like it when you insist and keep them in your routine - like bedtime stuff.

Don't get too offended by that as ds goes through phases of being step daddy's boy or mummys boy

Sometimes just expressing the negative feelings can help get them out of the way and not turn them into bigger issues. I know you say you have been feeling this since shes been in the womb but can you not pretend its just a phase and that you will be able to get over it. Try to just sit together and let her take the lead a bit then just look really interested !! She will love it and at the very least she won't feel pushed away from you

One thing popped into my head reading this, and it might be your way 'in' if she is so much like her father than there is something there for you to love and admire and connect with (as you love admire and connect with him) Focus on the positive of her traits and admire those things about her which make her an individual (but more like Dad).
Take heart.
Even tho she's different there is lots of time to find what things are similar about you and her. Maybe cooking? Some sport? Painting? Certain movies? And even if you never find that which you really understand, enjoy the difference and use it to enter into (friendly) debate and speculation with her.
You can both use each other to open the other's eyes to new possibilities/choices/loves which maybe you'd not have tried before.

Could you find one thing that she enjoys and just make yourself take an interest in it? I have started going to football matches with ds (10) though I've always been bored rigid by sports- I have come to realise that we need to have some way to connect, and this is one area where I can just about fake it until I make it.