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Original poster

So hurt by MIL's comments

16 replies

callmemummy · 13/04/2011 09:47

Im 2 months pregnant with baby No.2 & we took our DS to see his granny (my MIL) who lives abroad. When my DH told her, instead of misty eyed smiles of congratulations, she said "oh dear........oh dear"!!!!! We were both shocked and DH said "that's not quite the reaction we were hoping for" She said "well, I remember the consternation with feeding last time". Yes, my DS was not the chubbiest baby, but there was nothing wrong with him and all the health carers said there was nothing for me to worry about when I asked them.
Im so flippin' angry upset and hurt. It makes me feel like a bad mother and has really taken the gloss off what should be a happy time.

Anyone else had any experiences like this?

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redstripeyelephant · 13/04/2011 10:12

what a cow!! Ignore her, some people are just incredibly rude and don't think before they speak.

We had a similar issue with DD2 - slow weight gain, quite small, but HV etc all said she was perfectly healthy and it was only my inlaws who would always make comments about how small she was and how we should give her a bottle. Now she has caught up in weight and they think she is too fat! We can't win!

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Simic · 13/04/2011 10:20

I have had an experience which was similar (parents see some random detail, completely misunderstand it and then somehow interpret everything you do in terms of their misunderstanding of what was going on in your life at that particular moment).
Please don't feel like a bad mother or let it influence the way you see what has happened. Your MIL has just completely got the wrong end of the stick - her problem. She is now blowing her wrong interpretation completely out of proportion - her problem. I do still feel hurt by what happened to me along these lines. It makes me sad about how my father was not really listening to me and how our communication was not good enough to put right his crazy impression of what was going on in my life. But that has everything to do with my communication with my father and nothing whatsoever to do with my relationship with my children - or my parenting or experience of motherhood.

Simic · 13/04/2011 10:28

What I forgot to say was: even if she was right and you did have massive problems with feeding with DC1 - motherhood would still be wonderful and having another DC would be the most fantastic thing to happen! She does really sound awful!

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SlightlyB0nkers · 13/04/2011 11:40

Ignore her. She's not worth it and great that she lives abroad so you're not subjected to her remarks more often.

Congrats on your pregnancy. Hope your DH is okay with the comments too.

I took my dc to visit my family too and the lack of interest was terrible. It was the longest week of my life and I couldn't wait to get back on the plane. There's no accounting for family.

FGM · 13/04/2011 11:53

I had issues w my MIL too. But I rationalise it as her being from a different generational culture- who believed that a nip of brandy in the bottle or a crushed up rusk in milk was a great idea for a newborn. After all- they'd discovered plastic and why'd you want to breast-feed when you could use a lovely shiny placcy bottle?
I also think that my MIL had a HUGE CHIP ON HER SHOULDER about BF and birth. She felt she had no choice- it was assumed that the baby would be bottle fed. She had less choice in birth etc

In short hold your head high and don't allow some ridiculous outmoded beliefs cloud your innate understanding of what you know is right for you and your babies.

monkoray · 13/04/2011 12:23

Mothers and MILs can be total loons and you just have to let it wash over you.
When I told my mum I was pregnant with ds she said "well its early days, anything could happen - oh look a question of sport is on tv". We'd travelled 2 and a half hours to see her to share our exciting news!
When I got over being furious I realised that she had a late miscarriage in her last pregnancy and never really got over it. I think in her own very strange way she was trying to protect me from being to excited. I'm sure your MIL had similar good intentions, they just came out in a very warped way.
Enjoy your pregnancy

therealmrsbeckham · 13/04/2011 12:23

Congratulations on your pregnancy

What a horrible thing to say - ignore her, she sounds like a mood hoover. Don't let her negativity influence your feelings about your pregnancy.

My own mother refused to speak to me for about 3 months after I told her I was pregnant with DC3 because having 3 children is apparently greedy and self indulgent! She didn't even tell any of our extended family because of the shame and embarassment I was causing her - You can't choose your family

gourd · 13/04/2011 13:06

I agree with monkoray that MILs and even Mum's can say things that really hurt but often it's due to their own experiences. My Mum still infuriates me with seemingly rude or strange comments. Before I had my baby (when I was single for 5 years) she would go on an on about how old I was getting (hinting that I'd better have a baby soon or it would be too late) and this drove me absolutely nuts. The one thing I wanted in my life more than anything was a baby, and I wanted this for 10 years before it happened, but I didn't want to be a single parent and had no control over being single and baby-less, so her pointing out my single, approaching 30, baby-less-ness every time we met just made me upset and angry!

firsttimer78 · 13/04/2011 14:33

Ooooh, I'm afraid I can totally sympathise! In the course of a less than 5 minute phone conversation with my MIL the other night I got 'I hope you're not going to over-feed him and make him fat' at the news he'd eaten something new and 'I think you're over-psychologising this' when I responded that his height/weight charts are WELL within normal limits. Don't know why I was surprised when, on being told I was going to order my wedding dress, she responded with (and these are her EXACT words) 'is that something you'll have to diet into or will you just get it altered?' I TRY to tell myself she is an evil old bag but it does dent my confidence.

Congratulations on your pg OP!

emjanedel · 13/04/2011 15:43

My mother in law is a monster and all the other names i would like to call her. This is isn't really relevant here but its a MIL anicdote. I don't get on with DP's family at all. But after a discussion with DP have agreed to say only positive things about them. Sat was our DD's 1st birthday party and MIL came and completely ignored me (don't know what i have done this time but hey). Anyway after she had gone i said to DP "i take it your mum isn't speaking to me" to which he replied what happend to only saying positive things. I then said "I take it your mum isn't speaking to me. My dad was in the same room and it really made us both smile xxxxx

quickchat · 13/04/2011 20:31

I had this crap from my MiL, Fil, mother and gran.

Im hazzarding a guess that she didn't breast feed or not for that long?

My DS had reflux, was early (only 3 weeks), small and slow to gain. The feeding was extremley hard and thay all acted like I was starving him, stressing and embarresing them with my strange custom of feeding a baby with your boob!!

My DD was born early too (3 weeks again), so also had reflux but this time she comfort fed to get over the pain and went from 6lb into a little fat round balloon within weeks .

There I was, feeding a baby with my boobs again - freak. This time I was overfeeding/force feeding the poor baby.

I kept being asked by my mum why I was putting myself and my babies through this?? It got to me the first time and I gave up at 5 months. With DD I fed her for a year and ignored all of them. When things did settle down this time they became more relaxed about it and used to it and the comments all stopped when they seen I was not bothered or listening.

I just put it down to the fact it was alien to them. EVERYONE thinks the way to bring up a baby is the way THEY did it!

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 13/04/2011 20:33

Pay her no heed nasty old bat! Don't let it spoil anything for you.... that would be silly x

quickchat · 13/04/2011 20:33

I should say, yes when I told them all I was PG again they all asked with a frown on their face "are you going to breastfeed this time"?

pointythings · 13/04/2011 21:42

Don't let it get to you, unless she's horrible in other ways chances are she didn't mean to be nasty.

My DM (bless her) more or less told me not to set my heart on BF as she had not been able to and I would probably not be able to either - I just told her neutrally that I was going to try and see (meaning 'I'm going to do it if it kills me') and left it at that. I knew she'd had bugger-all help back in the lat 60s with me and basically never had a chance of making it work so didn't take it personally.
When it all worked out fine and she saw how easy it was for me (OK you're allowed to hate me, I was the Friesian cow of BF) she was really pleased.

Original poster

callmemummy · 14/04/2011 21:37

Thanks for all you lovely messages of support - Really made me giggle. Some of you have had much nastier comments too. You're right, I need to ignore it and not let it bother me.

Hurray! Im going to have a lovely baby. :-)
xxx

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GrendelsMum · 14/04/2011 21:50

I'm just going to repeat what Pointythings said - DSis had exactly same experience, with DM first upsetting her, and then (which I didn't tell DSis) phoning me up and sobbing about how awful things had been for her and how she couldn't bear her daughter to go through the same.

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