what do I tell my 3 yr old about death?

[julietbat]

We are having to have our elderly cat put to sleep on Weds and we will have to tell our 3yo dd something when she asks where he is. I have no problem with telling kids the truth but obviously it needs to be age appropriate and, as articulate and thoughtful as she is, I really don't think she'd 'get' the whole idea of death. So, does anyone have any experience of what would be an appropriate thing to say to her?

Also, along the same lines (although far more tragic), my dbil died suddenly very recently. I'm not sure dd will even be aware of this necessarily because he and my dsis live the other side of the country and we don't see them that often. However, in her eyes they do come as a package so she may well ask the next time she sees dsis and I certainly don't want it to be an awkward moment for my poor dsis so I'd really like to have something I can say if needs be. Any suggestions?

Thanks everyone.

Simple and honest.

People, animals die. Usually because they're old or poorly.

It is a strange concept for them at first. We were just upfront, never offered more info than dd asked for. It amazed me that out of it she developed her own ideas about philosophy and the afterlife and possibilities.

Be prepared, they will then ask 'will you/I die?' Yes but not for many, many, many years is the answer. And then talk about all the things you do in your life. All the roles (from child to great grandparent). Make it part of a progression.

Was it Twig that had the sock thing? That you can show a child your hand in a sock, pretend it's a sock creature, chase them etc. Then take off the sock and leave it still on the table. Explain that's your body and it dies. But your soul, your thoughts, your feelings remain (wiggle your hand and tickle) and though you can't see that bit of you, it's the bit that lives on. Summat like that. Tried it with my 3yo. Said I was patronising and could we bury the sock as she didn't want dead socks on the dinner table. Oh well.

Thanks LineOn I really like the suggestion about the sock creature. Will definitely give that a go. But how do I explain what 'die' means? The other day she told me what 'dead' meant. She said it was when something hurt very very much. So, bless her, she's nearly there but hasn't quite got it! (Btw, she only turned 3 a few weeks ago).

Goodbye Mog might be a book that could help you. It's a very matter of fact story about a cat dying which just explains that Mog was very old and very tired.

Ds & I have been talking about death quite a bit at the moment (he's been very interested in grandparents who died before he was born). In our case I can honestly say to him that they were very, very old and tired and their bodies just wore out because they all died of natural causes in an advanced state of old age.

We're Christian so we've also talked about heaven. That's a trickier conversation though..

I'm not entirely sure if I would say anything if she has no concept of death. It can be frightening I think if it's so brand new that they have no idea of it whatsoever. But then the cat is going to be missed and she'll need an answer.

Get some books. Goodbye Mog will deal with the specifics of it being a cat. Badger's Parting Gifts, No Matter What both good too. Take it from there maybe?

I told my DD (when she was 2 yrs 3 months) that the body eventually stops working and can't be fixed - a bit like when one of her toys got broken. This is called dying. Although we can't see or touch our loved ones after they have died, we can remember all the wonderful things about them, look at photos and do the things that were important to them. Then they can live on in our memories.

She seemed to understand. Asks a lot why things have to die, to which I answer that we have to make space for new things to be born and grow.

Thanks for the book suggestion Suzi and the fact that it's about a cat will really help. The old age thing will also work very well with our obviously aged cat but won't help if she asks about dbil who was in his early 30s.

Talking about grandparents and great grandparents really helps. I think they start to feel part of the fabric of something. They see the circle of life and how it goes on and on and on.

[hippy]

We have talked about how bodies eventually wear out and stop working

ImNotThere that's a great analogy, thanks. And the part about photos is really important particularly for my dsis who is so sad that our dd won't properly remember him because she's so young.

You need to buy/borrow a brilliant story book about a cat dying called, "Goodbye Mog" by Judith Kerr.

Ooops so excited to tell you name of book - didn't read earlier post!! Sorry!

julietbat I'm very sorry about your dbil. Your poor, poor sister. Perhaps you could make a memory box with photos and things to represent what he liked? I am trying to reinforce memories of special events with DD1 so that even if they are not 'genuine' memories, she will feel that they are. It's difficult to know what young children are able to retain. I have what seems to me a very vivid memory of my great grandmother from when I was 18 months.

I agree with ImNotThere. I've got vivid memories of my maternal grandfather who died when I was 4, probably because he was talked about with such affection throughout my childhood.

My uncle died when I was 10 and I have almost no memories of him at all, possibly because everyone was too upset and he wasn't spoken about at all .

It's good to talk about the people we've loved and lost. It really does keep them alive somehow, even for people who didn't really know them iyswim?

Thanks everyone. There are some really good ideas to think about. 'Goodbye Mog' sounds like a must. And we already have 'No Matter What' so I can use that one too. Think I'm going to have to play the conversation a little by ear. See how she deals with it and what she understands and take it from there.

ImNotThere - thank you for your post. My sister is an amazing woman, so brave and trying so hard to be positive, but she is suffering horribly at the moment. It is the funeral on Thurs but I still cannot believe he's gone. It's a tragic situation. Your idea about a memory box is a lovely idea and I know my dsis will be so comforted to know that we will be actively trying to keep his memory alive for our children. Thank you for that.

Go to 'Winston's Wish' website - it is a charity which helps bereaved children and there is lots of useful stuff on it!

Thanks candleshoe will do that now.

Hi Julietbat. I'm sure others will have told your sister about WAY (Widowed and Young), but they are worth a look.

I found the Merry Widow website helpful too.

I'm so, so sorry.

I had to tell DS that my brother's dog had been put to sleep recently. I explained that she was old, and poorly and her body wasn't working very well so they took her to the vet (at which point, DS said "and he made her all better!" ) and the vet gave her medicine but it didn't work and she died. TBH, I didn't say that the vet had, effectively, killed the dog. I think that's a bit much for a 3 year old to grasp! I didn't want him to think that that might happen to people too.

I'm not sure how much he understood but he's been talking a lot about flowers that have died (the daffodils are all turning brown) and that's been a good opportunity to talk more about things dying, but new things growing etc.

Another good book about cats dying is "Alfie and the Birthday Surprise" but beware...they end up replacing it with a kitten!

I'm sorry about your DBIL.