What, if anything, to tell a ten year old about sexual abuse.

[whitecloud]

I have recently been reading Esther Rantzen's very moving autobiography, and was particularly struck by the story of Childline. A common experience of families suffering from sexual abuse was that the abuser was a trusted friend. I hate to spoil my dd's innocence but am aware that she is starting secondary school next year and will come into contact with friends and families that I don't personally know. We all think and hope it would never happen to us, but I wonder if I should talk to her about the subject generally in the next few months, and if so, what to say.

Has anyone had any experience or ideas in this area ?

hello whitecloud - I am presuming that you have had previous conversations with your dd about this before, in terms of which parts of her body are private etc? can you build on that? has she had any sex education - I think she is due to get it this year, so you could use that as a spring board.

Kidscape also do some in school stuff
try this website

I would say that the most important thing by far is that you have an atmosphere at home which would encourage her to tell you anything which is concerning her. That she doesn't equate sex with shame, that she wouldn't feel embarrassed talking to you about something that was happening to her, that she has the right vocabulary to explain things to you. These are fairly subtle things, and tbh it is not about having one off conversations with her but about the ongoing relationship you have.
To keep herself safe she needs to have the self confidence to say no to anything she feels uncomfortable with.

i would tell her about her spidey sense - i reckon all girls have one - i dont know about boys. but you just get a sense that somethings not right - i know many a time i went home from a friends house when i was a kids becuase somethig wasn't right - you cant put your finger on it.

i had this talk with my 12 year old daughter - she know exactly what i meant - she said she got the same feeling at a frriends house.

also they must know that its no bother for you to get up at 3am to go pick them up if somethings gone wrong at a friends house - or even if they are feeling a bit uncomfy.

i remember leering and leching older men when i was a young teenager - looking back there were lots. peoples step dads and older brothers and dads and dads mates - the hidden sexual inuendo with the leery grin - that i honestly didn't know what they meant - but i knew it was a sexual reference and i knew it felt wrong.

this is the stuff you have to tell your kids.

my daughter has started going to town with her friends occasionally. she knows that she can ring me at any time - even at work - there is nothing that will stop me from driving from where ever i am to pull her out of a situation shes uncomfortable with.

your daughter needs to know that

good post custy

I have never really sat down and talked to them about it, but they glean info off the tv etc and we have talked about it in general.

sorry one more thing
I would def talk to her about it, but only when you are sure you can do it without getting embarrassed. Custardo's "way-in" sounds a really good idea to me

custardo - I know exactly what you mean. I got that feeling about my uncle when I was a teenager and, after one uncomfortable episode, made sure I was never alone in the room with him.

I didn't know about sex, but I did know it 'wasn't right'.

Think custardo's approach is spot-on, whitecloud.

I've had that feeling with a friends dad, just creepy really.

And then one time I stayed at her house (was about 12) and when he came into check on us I wasn't asleep. He looked at her and her sister (who were) and then came to check on me. I pretended to be asleep and he knelt down and started stroking my face. He didn't stop until I pretended to turn over in my sleep.

It was nothing really but I was incredibly freaked out.

Yip. Definitely agree with the spidey sense. Got it when I was about 10 or maybe younger with a family friend. Just made sure I wasn't alone with him again. Nothing happened, it was just something odd about him when I was alone once.