I feel like the most rubbish mother ever...

[Flowerface]

16 month old DD has always been really difficult. She screamed for hours and HOURS as a tiny baby, and is still hyper-reactive and difficult. Any stress tips her over the edge into hysterics so dramatic that I once wondered whether she was having a seizure and needed to go to A&E. She can also be utterly charming, of course.

Today, DH came home from 2 days away with work. DD was very pleased and said "dada! Dada!" very excitedly. But as I was trying to run her bath, she became totally hysterical, clinging to me and screaming and SCREAMING "dada! dada!" He hadn't tried to touch her or anything... I tried to carry on with making the bed, etc but she screamed unrelentingly and clutched my legs. She wouldn't let me move or anything. I finally lost my temper and shouted at her horridly and grabbed her arm. Once I had shut the bathroom door (with DH on the other side of it) she calmed down but carried on saying " dada. dada" in a robotic way throughout the bath.

Is this normal tired (but not overtired - bedtime and her earlier snooze happened at their normal times) child behaviour? Might there be something the matter with her? And how HOW can I stop myself from reacting badly? I hate HATE myself for losing my temper and am always consumed with shame afterwards. Does anyone have any advice for how to stay calm and react constructively? What should I have done? Please help, I feel this is a cycle where her behaviour is weird and really hysterical and I always seem to respond unhelpfully...

understand that it's not your fault.
then you wont feel that you have to 'fix' her.
everybody, child or adult gets frustrated and upset, however lovely their lives may be, life is not perfect, and it is okay to get cross sometimes, whether you are 16 months or 60.

it's absolutely normal, you are doing nothing wrong, let her vent her feelings, without feeling that you have to do anything about them.

if it's really getting to you, just walk away.

all easier said than done, i know

I definitely second the "walk away" approach, every mother and toddler get frustrated with each other occasionally (or 5 times a day) and when it happens I either send her into another room or go to another room myself, by not giving her attention when she acts up your letting her know her behaviour is not acceptable, and it also allows you both to calm down. I always try to do hugs or something positive when she has calmed down and you go back to her. It's not a fix all and it takes time and persistence but it does help.

much sympathy. My ds was like this (and as a 4 year old now he is still pretty hard work!) - just endlessly unhappy and grumpy about everything and for about a year from about that age onwards he would NOT let his dad do anything for him and would cry when he came home from work - it was all very heartbreaking at the time and we really didn't know what to do but it did get better and now they have a brilliant relationship.
If at all possible get a little break from your little one, just a couple of hours out for a walk/go to a coffee shop.. even an hour here or there saved (and still saves!) my sanity. Have faith in yourself though and hang on in there

But do you think there is something actually wrong, or are some children just like this?! Or is this just my urge to solve the problem. I definitely think I do feel responsible for everything, and that I ought to be able to control her better. But I also get really frustrated that all my other mother friends can drive to somewhere half an hour away, or walk into town with their children in the pushchair - without a second thought! For me that would involve signing up for half an hours crying...

some children are just like this.
it's also difficult to distinguish what is developmental and age related and what is personality.

i'd say your dd is probably quite a strong charecter and is probably frustrated at being 16 months old and not able to control her own environment. it will get better when she starts talking.

please do not fall into the old trap of comparing yourself and your dd to other mothers and their dc. that's the way madness lies. however tempting it is do NOT do it. concentrate on yourself and the kind of mother you would like to be. you can be her.

my DD is like this too,i have just seen this book being recommended on here,i have ordered it!
obviously i cant personally say its great,but,it might help!

it really isnt your fault.promise.

You're not rubbish, the fact that you're on here worrying about it shows you're not.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, everyone loses their temper now and then.

Perhaps you could try time out? My DD is nearly 17 months and she seems to response quite well to this. (She's still bloody biting me (and only me!) all the time though so maybe not!)

Also if she is mid-tantrum I just try to lie her down (she ironing-boards) and leave the room, she usually follows when she has finished her strop - her curiosity gets the better of her.

I really don't think there is anything wrong, it just sounds like she can't tell you what she wants because she doesn't have the language to express it yet. Maybe she was trying to tell him/you that she wanted a cuddle from him because she missed him, and for him to help with the bath. Or maybe she was just being a minx. You're not a rubbish parent, you're just not telepathic. I had lots of these frustration tantrums with DS from when he was 14 months. It has got a lot easier now he can talk. Just keep chanting, "and this too, will pass@.

Thankyou for this thread. Having just had a huge screaming/crying & unpleasant bath & bedtime with my two, I also take a bit of comfort from the posts here. We have a 4 yo who is mainly gorgeous, and a 17mo who has taken to standing in her bath shouting & crying (since we had the cheek to actually wash her hair) and doesn't want to splash or play with bubbles like she has been, which sets off 4yo who wants me to read her a story, but I can't because there's not enough room for all of us in the bathroom, then she gets under everyone's feet and starts crying because the LO is crying and she's not getting attention..........Then bfing LO after getting her calm and she is gnawing my boobs off but there's nothing else I can do to get her to go to sleep, and I know she will wake up again around 1am shouting/screaming/crying and will be gnawing boobs off again just to calm her down and get her back to sleep again...
They've always both been very demanding and shouty. I can see that a lot of it might be due to over-tiredness and the dreaded teething, but sometimes I really get to the end of my tether and have to shout or slam a door to release some frustration with the whole unmanageable, un-enjoyable, pile of crap that is being a parent. My shortness of temper is mainly due to being bloody exhausted all the time, and I really question whether I am just a rubbish mother and am not handling situations in the right way. Most of the time I am lots of fun, honest.

dd was like this too - screaming for hours, always grumpy and touchy. It drained quite a lot of the pleasure out of her early years for me, I'm sad to say - couldn't bath her without a tantrum or drive anywhere without ear splitting screams. Even the 10 min walk to pick ds up from school was a battle. She's now 5 and quite a lot better, but we go through phases when she reverts to being completely unmanageable. dh and i have long conversations periodically about why she's so difficult, what we're doing wrong and what strategy we can try to help. Just last week we decided that tiredness was making her worse so we'd get her up half an hour later for school. I can remember her having a full blown tantrum at 6 months, and being amazed - ds, then 4, had only had two very mild tantrums in his entire life. It improved a bit when she learned to talk and walk and we could help her manage frustration a bit more, but she is still angry and deliberately 'oppositional' in a way our older child just isn't. I think some kids just are like this - luck of the draw. You're not doing anything wrong.

thanks for the book link- I have ordered it. I have a very 'spirited' 2.5 year old and most days think i'm a crap parent as he has so many meltdowns and just screams a lot in general. DS1 is so mild mannered and well behaved that its a total shock to have DS2 to deal with. School runs are a nightmare and i'm sure the other mums look at me with pity

mealtimes are also a nightmare as he's so fussy and its only very occasionally that he sleeps through too. His tactic seems to be so loud and he really does wear me down. I've often felt close to losing it with him in a way that i've never experienced with Ds1 and this scares me so I now have to walk away.

On the plus side hes very amusing and affectionate with a real sense of fun. He does things that DS1 would never even dream of!!! This has the flipside of being very draining as I feel like i'm under siege most days. My blood pressure must be thru the roof!!

Your doing a great job- theres nothing more trying than being screamed at (so it seems) all day

Keep going- it must get better!!!

Thanks everyone, it is really heartening to hear all this, though of course, I am sorry you are having battles too! It's just hard because you can't help thinking that the 'contented' and relaxed children have a nicer life and better parents, but then that's rubbish I suppose. I guess it helps if you have 2 DC - then you can see that it isn't your fault!

It's just so full on, all the time I feel I am warding off tantrums (sometimes successfully...) and it's really stressful.