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Parenting

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Original poster

Perrenial favourite - age gaps! 2 years vs 3 years?

21 replies

redvelvetmooncupcake · 10/04/2011 10:21

Any opinions/experiences gratefully received.

Hoping to TTC #2 this year for a summer 2012 baby, which would hopefully put DD at round about 22-28 months old.

My reasons for thinking this is a good gap -

DD hopefully young enough to not really remember a time before new baby

As they grow up, close in age means easier to find toys/activities they can share

Hard work initially with nappies etc, but "gets it over with"

We are still in baby/toddler mindset/have all the stuff

I will be under 35 so various risk factors (twins! assorted SN) kept lower

Leaves more time in case of secondary infertility.

Having observed friends' families I think either small gaps (up to 2.5 yrs) or big gaps (6yrs plus) seem to be nicest, but think we are too old for a deliberate big gap (no probs with conception for baby #1 but well aware of secondary infertility).

Am also of the opinion that it's the way the two personalities work together rather than the age difference that determines how well DC get on.

I think DP would prefer a 3 year gap, but that would DEFINITELY put me over 35.

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RufousBartleby · 10/04/2011 10:34

I've been wondering about this too. I've done a bit of reading around on this and it seems like in terms of the mothers health a gap of more around 3 years is better and also there is supposedly less jealousy as the older child feels more secure in themselves and independent of the mother...of course this is all theory and I'm sure the personality of the older child makes a massive difference.

You seem to have very valid reasons for having a smaller gap.

Interested to hear what others think, as in all honesty I would probably like a smaller gap myself, but my DH is also in favour of 3 years +

Original poster

redvelvetmooncupcake · 10/04/2011 10:49

I know four people who had their second child last year. One had a 15 month gap and has had no issues with jealousy, one had a 20 month gap and again, no issues, and one had a 3 year gap - ohhhhhh so much jealousy! The older child has grown to love the baby but she still gets very jealous of him. The other had a 14 year gap and her teenager helps out with night feeds!

If I hadn't had a C section I would have liked a tiny gap, 15-20 months, though I have only just had a period so not sure if I could have even if I'd wanted to. DP on the other hand...

OP posts:

Lovethesea · 10/04/2011 12:24

We have 19 months and have found it great. DD adjusted really well to having a new brother and now he is 10 months he already weighs more so they are evenly matched for some games already!

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mumtoaandj · 10/04/2011 12:39

a 3 year gap-ds1 is still very jealous of ds2 and ds2 is now 18 months old. i think it depends on the elder child rather than the age gap!

seeker · 10/04/2011 12:43

Either so close they are practically twins or at least 4 years. IMHO.

accessorizequeen · 10/04/2011 14:36

If you think you can cope with 2 under 2 then go for it, for all the reasons you've listed. Shorter age gap a lot more stressful on the parents because you have 2 babies for a while. And you've a shorter gap between pregnancies so more pressure on your body. Mothers can really struggle with the small age gap between first and second, it's much harder work because at 2 the older child can't do much for themselves but in 6-12 months will be a lot more independent plus you'll get nursery funding at 3. I would look at how much support you get from your dh and other family as well. It's a tough year for most people ime if you have a 2 year gap, you need all the help you can get!

I had 3yrs exactly between ds1 & ds2, then 21 months between ds2 and the dts. Since dts turned two, they are closer & closer to ds2 because of similar interests and abilities. And it's easier to entertain them, have a day out, do meals and snacks etc because of this. A load more jealousy with the 3 yr gap mainly I think because you've got a more vocal, aware child at 3 than under 2!

I don't think being under 35 seems like such a huge thing to avoid unless you have health issues identified already, I wouldn't let it rule things. You've still got plenty of time and the risk factors don't go up a huge amount until you hit late 30s or so I was told!

pippop1 · 10/04/2011 16:46

Make it an autumn-winter baby if you can. It will have it easier at school.

Original poster

redvelvetmooncupcake · 10/04/2011 17:09

Thanks everyone - I've missed the boat for any gap smaller than 20 months now so it will all hinge on DP!

A lot of risk factors do increase quite dramatically at 35 and I'd rather be under, also as I mentioned before, in the case of secondary infertility, the sooner we start the better.

My DD is a spring baby and ideally I would like another. I am not convinced that it makes that much difference (have a few friends who work in Foundation/KS1 and they say it doesn't after the first year or so) and the thought of dealing with a newborn in the depths of winter is something I would prefer to avoid! As a midwinter birthday myself I had loads of birthday treats cancelled because of the weather, and me and DP are too near Xmas for our liking :) )

OP posts:

colditz · 10/04/2011 17:17

Regarding the 35 year old risk factor, it's a sliding scale. You won't be a hideously high risk the day after your 35th birthday if you weren't a hideously high risk 2 weeks earlier. A year makes little difference.

I have a 3 year gap with mine, Dp has a 2 year gap with his, both work well. I'm not keen on large age gaps, the elder ones seem be either lonely or have to more 'helpy' with their siblings.

colditz · 10/04/2011 17:18

Spring babies are nice.

RobynLou · 10/04/2011 17:22

I've got 3.5years between my 2, no jealousy, DD1 in preschool in the mornings so I get some respite, DD1 independent/walking everywhere/out of nappies/can get herself a drink/snack if needed...

totally depends on the children though, it's all pot luck imo!!!

RobynLou · 10/04/2011 17:24

I had DD1 on my 26th bday though, so did'nt have the 35+ issue

ladyintheradiator · 10/04/2011 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

redvelvetmooncupcake · 10/04/2011 17:31

Cheers! colditz I know it's not the end of the world to be 35+ when you conceive (friend is pg with DC2 at 41 and have looked after a first time mum of 45!) but it does seem a good reason to crack on. Spring babies are lovely :) it's not as hard being up all through the night when it gets light at 5am is it?

RobynLou if I'd started at 26 I would have wanted to be on at least number 3 by now :)

I work 3 days so would hope to keep DD in nursery for those if financially possible, and obviously I'd want to keep her place. I think I could cope! We'll see, it's all just a very vague possibility just now. Cross your fingers for me!

OP posts:

crw1234 · 10/04/2011 19:36

My view is under 2 year - hard work but they forget they were any only quickly and when they get older mostly do play together
over 3 years - more independant, starting preschool etc etc -generally ok
in between - really depends on the child - but its peak terriable twos it can be quite rough - sorry
my 2 are 4 years apart - planned for 3 years but didn't work out that way... but its been great

CrispyTheCrisp · 10/04/2011 19:42

21 months apart here and lovely that they are so close and play together better and better every day . They are 4.5 and 2.8 and we have definitely moved out of the really tough stage and it is mostly really good fun

Can you suggest to DP that you start trying now as you think you might not get pregnant as quickly this time.....which also may be true

RumourOfAHurricane · 10/04/2011 19:47

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sharbie · 10/04/2011 19:49

3 yrs best

the thought of 2 yrs was just too tough to contemplate

nearlytherenow · 10/04/2011 19:59

I don't know much about age gaps yet, as am almost 2 weeks off DC2's arrival. BUT I would advise you, if you really want a second child, just to go for it - you have mentioned secondary infertility as a possible issue. I had no problems whatsover conceiving DS - was pregant first month we tried, and had a very uncomplicated pregnancy. DC2 has been a different matter altogether, and took us 16 months including 3 miscarriages to conceive. We started trying for DC2 when DS was 8 months old so still won't have a huge age gap, but I'm really glad we started when we did as if we'd been aiming for 2.5 years, we'd probably have ended up with more like a 4 year gap (obviously fine too, but wouldn't have fitted in so well with our career and family plans).

Original poster

redvelvetmooncupcake · 10/04/2011 22:18

I KNOW my eggs will not "explode" but have worked with many couples suffering from secondary infertility and know that the chances of a good outcome from FT decrease with maternal age. There is also a history of early menopause in my family so it is a real factor to be considered.

Thanks to all, will put it to DP that we don't try but don't avoid for now! Good luck with your new baby nearlytherenow, sorry to hear you've had such a rough time. Wishing you lots of happiness.

OP posts:

Katisha · 10/04/2011 22:23

From my own experience of having children pretty late (39 and 41), it has worked fine having them 26 months apart. OK it was tiring in the early years but once they started to play together it all got a lot more relaxing!
DS1 is now 11 and doesn't seem to find his 9 yr old brother too childish to bother with.

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