My daughter hates school

[3GirlsMum]

I desperately need some help as I am at the end of my tether. My nearly 9 year old daughter hates going into school. Every morning we seem to follow the same old routine, she starts having a tummy ache then once we have arrived at school it increases and she starts to feel sick. This has been going on since December last year and has got progressively worse. Its got to the point now where she is point blank refusing to go in through the school doors and has to be dragged in either by me or one of her teachers. Its downright embarrasing and very upsettting for me.

Of an evening she is very sorry for her actions and I get little cards from her telling me she is sorry and how much she loves me. At one stage she would quite happily got into class providing I came to the school door with her, now she isnt even prepared to do that. The embarrasment of this happening in front her class doesnt make her stop either.

We have previously seen primary mental health and the school nurse to find out if my daughter had underlying anxiety problems and I was told she is a very bright, intelligent little girl who they feel will get over this. I have again been in touch with the school nurse and shes going to have a word with my daughter at school next week to see if she can help at all.

I have tried being sympathetic, that didnt work, tried ignoring it, that didnt work, tried being hard and removing priviliges and that didnt work either. Has anyone else been through this at all? We are definite that she has no problems once she is actually in school its just the initial getting her in there thats the problem as she says she misses me and her baby sister.

Im really worried that dd2 will pick up on this as well and that it will start causing problems with her. Luckily to date it hasnt but I can see that as all the attention is going on older dd at the moment in the mornings that dd2 will start to feel left out.

Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks x

Has she given any reasons for not liking school? And is it just the school that says there are no problems? Just wondering if there's something going on like bullying...

She tells me she doesnt like to go to school because she misses me. Ive sat and spoken to her to find out if there are any problems, she said she didnt like sitting in the middle of the hall in assembly so she has been offered three alternative sitting spaces near doors or on the outside. Ive asked her if she is being bullied and other than little fallings out with friends there is nothing and she tells me she isnt bullied. The school have told me that once she has settled down she is fine and she is doing very well with her work. x

hi 3girlsmum i had a school phobia as well and used to pretend to have all sorts of illnesses,i'll even stayed awake all night pretending to have a bad cough someone said to me that if i slept with potato skins under my armpits i'd have a fever in the morning so i did,it didn't work tho,there was nothing wrong, i think it was anxiety i didn't want to be away from my mum,i thought something horrible will happen to her,it lasted till i finished school but that's because i didn't get any help everyone just asumed i hated school,good luck i hope you get to the bottom of it

That must have been awful for you whymummy. Ive tried to talk with my daughter today to find out what the problem is. She still maintains that its the actual going to school that bothers her but that she is fine for the rest of the day. At the moment I am trying to be a bit firmer with her over this as we tried the soft approach, and the sympathetic approach, and those didnt work so we have a ban on Eastenders at the moment!

I really hope you get this sorted soon. I know how upsetting it is for you. Sorry I'm no good at the advice stuff, thinking about you anyway. x

3girlsmum do you think it would make a diference if someone else took her to school?

Thanks Ang x. Whymummy thats something we have tried...my dh did just that the other dad and had to drag her into the car with him as she refused to get in. Once at school he still had to take her right into school and be stern with her because she played him up. You would have thought she would realise he wasnt happy as normal he is the soft one with her!

Can you focus on an after school treat? If she misses you, maybe a girly treat just for the 2 of you? (difficult if this then causes jealousy for DD2 I guess)

Has she seen a film or tv programme where something happened to a mum while the daughter was away from her? Is she at an age where she is starting to realise that you won't be around forever? (I don't know what age that starts - dd is only 3). What do her friends say to her about the palaver in the morning? If they are sympathetic perhaps you could enlist their help to accompany you both to school? If it is practical, could you arrange with the school for her to call you during a break period for reassurance? Don't know how helpful any of this is - just plucking ideas from the air, really, but both you and your daughter have my sympathies.

How about rewarding her if she goes into school without the big fuss? Not sure of the reward, but maybe worth a try.

i was thinking more like a friend's mum to take her to school?you know how children behave differently when they're with others,also has there been a death in the family or a friend's family,that's how my fear started a friend at school died followed by a friend's dad wich is what made me so anxious

Have you asked her why she is acting like this? Is she being bullied? I think the only answer is to talk to her about it and acknowledge her feelings.

3 girlsmum ... sorry you are having a bad time.
My DS is much younger than your DD (he is nearly 4) but he does a similar thing to me when I take him to kindy. He hangs on to my leg and won't let me go and says he misses me too much ... (his teachers say that he loves Kindy and when I pick him up he has had a lovely time)
The only thing that I have found that works is bribery ... if he says bye bye nicely without making a fuss then he gets a treat when he gets home ... for example he can go on the computer, or we can make popcorn or he can have a homemade milkshake or we can play golf in the garden (not big expensive treats as you can see).
It might not work with your DD as she is 9 and far to grown up for bribes like milkshakes but maybe if you set up a target ... something to aim for on a Saturday ... so if she goes to school with minimum fuss in the week she can do something special on Saturday (the pictures with you, or a shopping trip ... or whatever ticks her boxes!)
When I read your post initially I also thought "Mmmmm, sounds like bullying to me" but if you have asked her and she says it is nothing like that then there is very little more you can do about that ... except keep a close eye on her and ask her teachers to watch for any bullying.
Could it be her teachers? But then since it started in December (presumably she now has a different teacher since then) it can't be a personality clash with her teacher ... that can happen more often than you know ...
Don't know what else to suggest really ... except that I am fast coming to the conclusion that with my DS it is one of those things that he knows gets to me and so he is very good at manipulating me in that way ... might be the same with your DD but wouldn't want to suggest that she is just doing it for effect to upset you!!
Hope this helps a bit and hope you get some joy soon!!
Love Ghosty xx

Thanks for all your replies..they are really appreciated.

Ive tried bribery (a hamster which she really wants) but it makes no difference whatsoever as does suggesting McDonalds or something nice after school if she goes in nicely. She refuses to walk with anyone else to school and even when my husband takes her its very difficult for him to get her in the car and she refuses to walk.

Aloha I have had that many chats with her to try to find out what the problem is. She isnt being bullied, she loves her new teacher, none of the other staff are nasty to her, she just misses me.

Ghosty I really hope your situation improves soon, its very upsetting and stressful to see your child go through this isnt it.

Thanks again x

HAs anything awful or unsettling happened in the family while your daughtwer was is school? I remember a school refuser that I dealt with when HEad of Year. She was hysterical every day and would run out of the school gates at the first opportunity. Mum was quite weak and showed her own distress to the girl which only made things worse. It tuned ou that the girls father had died when she was in school and since then had, understandibly, developed a fear that her mum would do the same. We conquered her phobia once mum agredd to be alot firmer and leave her daughter at the school gate every morning rather than accompanying her to the classroom. Then I would meet the girl and escort her to class where her classmates had been instructed to rally around and make her feel very wanted and safe. They did this beautifully and the girl became a star pupil who loved school.

Forgot to add, the process took a couple of weeks only, once we were all in agreement on the best course of action. Good luck.

Hi Bunny

No there is nothing of any insignificance that I can think of. My daughter has always been a good talker with me and we have sat down and tried to reason why this is happening. Even she is at a loss to understand why and just reiterates that she misses me and her little sister.

Ok ... this is a tough one.
Can she be allowed to phone home in the school day to say hello and to see how you are? Maybe it might work if she was (for a while, not permanently) allowed to come home for lunch or something.
I can see you are in a right pickle 3GirlsMum ... dare I suggest now that maybe she is being a bit naughty and has worked out the perfect way to have Mum wound round her finger? Really, I don't want you to think that I am mean ... but could it be that? Especially as you have looked into every conceivable reason ...

Ghosty I have been wondering exactly the same thing myself. To be honest I cant see the school allowing her to phone during the day as other children would then expect to as well. I have suggested coming home lunchtimes to her as we only live 5 mins from the school but told her that can only be started once the mornings get better, I couldnt face going through it twice a day!

My eldest is normally my "good child". She is very well behaved, well mannered and the sensible one as opposed to dd2 who can be a cheeky little minx at times. DD1 absolutely adores dd3 (are you keeping up here..lol) and I think part of the problem is that she really misses her during the day as well...they have a special bond together and are very close.

DD1 is now starting to be a cheeky wotsit at home as well and this has started since the problems at school. The school nurse has made an appointment with the clinic doctor for us as she thinks it may be hormonal, however as my daughter is not yet 9 this seems very young to me, and she had only just turned 8 when it first started.

The initial signs of anxiety, I should have said, started when she went to have her ears pierced, the shop was hot, she got anxious and decided not to have it done. Things then went downhill from there. Saying that though she has still decided she wants to get her ears done at some point! The problem is I cant see how that has caused anxiety at school and she isnt at all troubled when you talk about what happened to her that day.

Please keep any suggestions coming as all are appreciated. x

Poor you this sounds hard work and distressing for both of you.I also have 3 the same sex and similar age gap,I wonder could it just be a case of subconscious jealousy,she has always had a good relationship with you as you say but now that the little one is more vocal and the middle one is becomming more grown up this is threatening her place in the family.Perhaps she can see that the family dynamics are changing (my ds had some anxiety about this when he was about 8.5yrs) but isn't quite sure of her new role, I think that before this age they see things in a very simple way and at this age they first start to worry about the wider implications of these changes.She probably just has a feeling of unease and doesn't herself understand what is worrying her and like all of us when you feel worried about something you cling to what you know,perhaps she is a little afraid that when she is at school and you are at home with the baby that is weakening your bond to her,of course this is not the case but children do get funny things into their heads and she has only been around 8 years!
We had a siimlar anxious period with ds, as I said,it did not manifest itself with school but we solved it by making sure he had more one to one time with us ,we have little outings such as a trip to the cinema to see something that the others are too young for or dh took him to get the money for our summer holiday and they went for a coffee togther,dh also takes him out for a bike ride every weekend.

I wouldn't link treats to going into school,it seems very unlikely that she is consciously being naughty.I also put little notes sometimes into his pocket or a book that he would find at playtime etc just to re emphasize that even though he was at school I was still thinking about him.

Good luck,I do hope she is feeling better soon.

you say she is bright and intelligent, is she being stretched enough? does she find it boring?

If you've tried everything to make her less anxious and to make her want to do better, and it isn't working, maybe the thing to do is to assume that it's just anxiety that she doesn't know how to deal with, and to teach her techniques for mastering anxiety. Just knowing that sometimes you're afraid of things that aren't really dangerous, and that's OK, but you need to learn to go ahead and do them anyway, may be enough to help.

Maybe she really wants to calm down, she just doesn't know how -- rewards won't help then! I don't know how you teach anxiety control techniques to young kids, but even just knowing that it's possible might help her. When I was little, I think people just told me not to be scared, which really wasn't useful.

@3GirlsMum I would love to know what happened in the end, my son is 9 and going through the exact same thing. I’ve just started speaking to a child therapist but no idea how to help or if this will end. He is behaving the same when going to his dads at the weekend too (we have been separated since DS was 3 so he’s used to going at weekends).

@BoyMum84 your best bet is to start a thread of your own asking for suggestions as this is from 2003. People are likely to just read the first post and not notice that you would also like advice.

Thanks @SoupDragon although wasn’t really looking for advice, just wanted to prompt the OP to see how it turned out as her DD must be much older now and thought the insight could be useful.