My DH isn't really a twat, but he's doing a very good impression of one!

[Bumperlicioso]

Arrgghhh! Just need to vent. Like I say, DH isn't a twat at all, he is a very good, loving, egalitarian parent and husband. However he is behaving like a twat. Before I went on maternity leave he looked after DD1 for 60% of the time so he's not incapable or unsympathetic. He does his fair share of housework. However he seems to have a complete inability to do more then one thing at once, namely parenting and anything else!

Case in point today: DD2 is 6 months and still doesn't sleep through the night. The last two nights she has woken at 1.30 and 6.30. Today I was knackered and fed up so I texted DH at 7.30 (who is currently sleeping on the sofa - this means we all get some sleep) 'please come and take the baby'. He has to leave for work at 8.30 but I really needed to get back to sleep seeing as I have both the kids till 7.30 tonight on my own.

He came up and said 'I'll take her for 15 minutes then I need to have a shower'. I gave him a WTF look having previously stated I was up at 1.30 and 6.30. He said 'what do you want me to do?', I replied 'Erm, look after her till you leave for work', 'but I have to have a shower and get ready', 'Yes and when you go to work I have to do the same thing while looking after both the kids'. He then said 'I don't know what you want me to do', I want you to manage the fricking kids and getting ready, just like I usually do, so I can go back to sleep for half a fricking hour and we can all have a better day. I know you have to go to work, but you work in a library FFS, you are not a brain surgeon and you at least get to have a cup of tea and a fricking poo in peace instead of a running commentary like I have ('well done mummy. Can I see your poo? Make sure you wash your hands'). I didn't say this last bit out loud, but I said it with my eyes.

Another gem from him which I get regularly 'Don't worry about doing anything today'. Now he is trying to be really nice and he never expects to come back to a tidy house etc. however I don't think he realises exactly what would happen if I actually did nothing. I have to feed the kids 2 or 3 meals on my own, load the washing up in the dishwater (this is a recent purchase and has basically saved our marriage!) so I have room to cook, put the dishwasher on so we have clean plates, and empty the dishwasher so we have somewhere to put the dirty stuff again. The kids both need dressing, nappy changing, bum wiping, DD2 needs breastfeeding, washing needs putting on and out so we have clean clothes. Kids need entertaining, comforting etc. But it's ok, I don't need to do anything else on top of that.

He does get up with DD1 every day, and two days a week get her ready and takes her off to nursery so that if the baby happens to still be asleep I can sleep too. But when I get up with both of the kids I give them breakfast, while emptying the dishwasher, clean up as soon as they've finished. Have a shower with DD2 in the bathroom while hoping DD1 isn't hanging herself from the light shade or updating the wallpaper with felt tips. He can only do one thing at a time - he is a serial processor while I am by necessity a parallel processor!

And last night's helpful statement 'Don't worry about tea for me tomorrow night' (he doesn't get home till 7.30 on Fridays) 'I'll just have some cereal or something'. Me: 'You do know I still have to feed the rest of us', him: 'yes, but I'm just saying you don't have to worry about leaving anything for me'. Oh thanks, that's really helpful. Twat!

I'm really sorry, Bumper, but it doesn't sound to me like your DH is a twat.

He sounds thoughtful and pretty considerate to me. He is trying to be supportive to you but it doesn't sound like you are making it easy for him!

It doesn't have to be all 'your way' - I know this isn't AIBU, but I think you are being unreasonable.

He's not being a twat at all, he is trying to make your life easier by saying dont worry about tea for him tonight.

Look your tired and that makes everything seem like the hardest thing in the world. Baby will sleep soon and eveerthing will get easier.

Tbh he sounds bloody lovely.
I dont want to sound harsh but what did you think was going to happen with 2 children? Does DD1 go to nursery everyday? What do you think other mothers do everyday?

oh and the issue this morning the poor bugger slept on the sofa and then you wouldnt even let him have a shower and get dressed for work?!
Tbh i think your the twat at the moment.

This was meant to be an amusing thread really. I was just ranting at my DH's inability to do anything else while looking after the children. I don't really think he is a twat. I think he is lovely. I just want him to be able to do more than one thing at once!

Oh and the 'poor bugger' chooses to sleep on the sofa so that he doesn't get woken up by DD2, he can sleep in bed whenever he likes as long as he doesn't snore

'I dont want to sound harsh but what did you think was going to happen with 2 children? Does DD1 go to nursery everyday? What do you think other mothers do everyday?' Well, for a start I thought I might be getting a bit more sleep 6 months in. DD1 goes to nursery twice a week. And as for 'what do you think other mothers do every day?' well surely I could ask DH the same question!

And he gets up with DD1 every day but thinks she has 'got up early' if she is up before 8am! It's 7.30 at the earliest so hardly a hardship after a full nights sleep!

Oh and I just thought the 'don't worry about me for tea tonight' thing was no particularly helpful as I still have to cook a meal for the three of us while looking after the kids, I just put less in for him! Not much help at all really!

You sound awful - "you work in a library FFS, you are not a brain surgeon ", does it really matter where he works?
He sounds like he is being thoughtful-you might be tired but I don't think you have to take it out on him.
I work and still get myself and the children ready, even if I have not had a good nights rest. Dh does need a long time to get ready, that's just him and I cut him some slack, he does do alot of other things with them.
I always find the ones who have the most are the ones that whinge the most.

Didn't sound like you found it amusing from your post-just mean really.

He sounds lovely, tbh.
It's tough with two small kids, but seriously, he seems to be doing his share. Let the poor guy get dressed and ready for work in peace, fgs. You'll have more time to do it- you don't need to look presentable for 8.30 am, right? You can take more time to have a shower etc than him.
Btw, my DP wakes up with DD and makes her porridge everyday before going to work plus unloads the dishwasher, changes cats' litter etc-but then he works for himself in his office, he doesn't need to be there at 8 am every morning-if he had to, I wouldn't bother him to do all that stuff.
Mind you, I personally find being SAHM soul destroying so I get where you're coming from, but your DP really sounds nice.

ffs, give the op a break, we all have our bad days and need a rant sometimes.

Sounds a lot like my DH and my reaction to him sometimes!

I actually think you have a point in that i don't think they understand what's involved in raising children EVERY SINGLE DAY, but i don't think it's their fault really because we just get on with it and probably don't really tell them. I recently said to my husband: "Do you honestly think that the reason DS (5 months) is happy, healthy and always smiling when you come home is purely a co-incidence or sheer luck? It's because i've put in the ground work, make sure i'm feeding him properly, putting him down for naps regularly and interacting with him so he's developing normally. He self settles because i taught him to it etc etc."

I was pointing out to him that when he says "take it easy today" it's not just that simple. I get to 'take it easy' for around 20 mins and only if DS is having a good napping day. I get to do it in between doing 3 loads of washing (which won't wait because DS is out of grobags/ sleep suits), food shopping (which won't wait because there is nothing to put in DH's sandwiches and we're out of nappies) and preparing tonight's dinner. I get to do all of this in between fitting in feeds, nappy changes, interaction and settling for naps. Oh and there's all the other things to do which he doesn't see either - such as staying in touch with work, expressing milk, filling in forms and arranging childcare for my return, researching various options etc.

I love my DH and i truly am blessed - he too is no stranger to housework (though multi-tasking is not his strong point), doing the cooking and being very loving and affectionate to me. We've just had a rough few months as a couple because i sometimes get the impression he thinks i haven't done enough during the day and he sometimes runs out of patience with DS at night. He's extremely appeciative, i know he is, but when i'm sleep deprived i just don't see it. And when he's sleep deprived he's genuinely a selfish arse!

Kids eh? Who'd have 'em??

"I always find the ones who have the most are the ones that whinge the most."

How true.

I'm on my own with DS aged 16 weeks, except for once a fortnight when his dad comes over after work, spends the night (in a separate room from the baby, he doesn't want to do any night wakings). I hand him the baby at 7am, he feeds and changes, then gives him back to me while he gets ready for work. I am so grateful for that half an hours' peace! Be thankful for what you have, I say.

I have one of these. Lovely, tries hard, but has no idea half of the time.

This morning, for example. I woke up 10 minutes before mindee was due after doing the night shift with DD - neither alarm had gone off. DH gets DD out of the cot and lets her wander about upstairs, then gets back into bed. I am rushing round like the proverbial fly, when he asks if I'll take DD downstairs when I go down.

No, I won't.

Why, there are fewer hazards downstairs

Well, you should have thought about that before you got DD out of the cot and then went back to bed. I am not supervising and dressing a 1 year old, trying to get myself ready AND sorting the house out ready for work in 10 minutes (eg curtains open, breakfast out, toys ready) whilst you lie in bed dozing for another 10 minutes.

He didn't look happy. When he did come down with DD just at the time mindee was due, she was half dressed (can I change her, he couldn't find the wipes and she smells ) as was he. If he was getting himself ready I wouldn't mind, but he wanted another 20 minutes in bed.

Oh Bumper your post made me cry with laughter!! I actually had to read it out to DH who actually looked puzzled as to why your DH's statement's were so hysterical....currently pregnant with DD2 and looking after our 18month old I am routinely left in the morning with a cheery 'Take it easy today babe!' or my favourite a patronising pat on the shoulder when I've been up dealing with DD1 at stupid o'clock and a 'well done'. Love it!!!! :o

my XDH really was a twat and made no attempt at any impression of not being one. Try 2 children, all house work, all school/nursery runs, sleep deprivation and working out of the home, cooking all the meals all of the time, and no-one to care enough to say 'take it easy today'

Be very grateful for what you have

OP you should be grateful, I live in a cardboard box.
Just thought I would get that in now.

Don't worry OP, DH often tells me that he can't take DD downstairs with him while he gets ready for work (downstairs bathroom) because he is getting ready for work. Hmmm. She is 8 mo old and sits in her bouncy chair "gaaa"ing at him. As she would do to me, when I get in the shower. But given she still wakes a few times a night and I do all the night wakings an extra 30 mins is invaluable!

But, I am very jealous of your daughter's sleep!

Bumper - I'm with you on this.

My DH is lovely, a brilliant Dad and a wonderful loving husband. But he also can only do one thing at once.

We have DS1 2.8, and DS2 12 days old. He took them both downstairs this morning so that I could have another hour in bed - great. What wasn't so great was that when I went down both boys needed clean nappies, no-one had had any breakfast and the living room was literally a bombsite.
In his defence DS2 won't sleep anywhere except on one of us, and won't be put down for more than about 5-10 mins without yelling his head off. But I did feel that a couple of nappy changes and a round or two of toast shouldn't have been beyond him

Having said that, this evening he cooked, tidied, hoovered and kept them both amused for 20 mins while I had a shower - so he can do it when he wants to!

Dh also used to be able to only do one thing at a time; I remember my mum - over to help with first baby- collapsing in hysterics after he shouted at me "I can only do one thing at a time, you know!". A year as a part-time SAHD caused a wonderful reshuffling of his male mindset; he is now fully capable of looking after two children, cooking supper and organising a hospital appointment on the phone at the same time.

And I don't see why "you should have thought of that before" applies more to the female than to the male half of any couple that decides to procreate. Surely anyone who chooses to become a dad should first meditate on the fact that uninterrupted shower times are likely to become a thing of the past?

I wish all I had to do to be described as "lovely" was to pat my dh on the shoulder as I left for work and say "take it easy".

Actually, due a big role reversal in a couple of weeks. Might try it.

On the other hand, no. He'll take me up on it.

Grit teeth. This too shall pass.

No idea why I'm trying to reassure you, when I'm in a very similar boat and very much lacking in paddles!

DD's almost 4, DS has just turned 6 months. He won't eat food, finds it impossible to get to sleep without a boob in his mouth, and wakes 2-3 times a night. But it'll get better, right? I'm sure it'll get better.

As you say, I was thinking during the week, the really nice thing about having a job would be just having a shit when you need one...

lol at tawdry-I think you should try it

but seriously, I do sometimes get the impression that women have very low expectations of men- if they are not actively nasty, they are by default lovely

are we as generous when judging ourselves? or other women?

God no - we're often complete beatches when describing other women. V judgy.

The way my mother used to go dewy-eyed at dh when he remembered his childrens' names, or referred to them as "my son"

The donkey work I did, on the other hand...well, that was my job, wasn't it?

It's taken years and some very rocky times for dh to step up to the plate. Why was that necessary?

"I was just ranting at my DH's inability to do anything else while looking after the children."

you have my sympathy. Everyday I hand DS to DH husband when he gets in rom work and he says 'I need to go to the loo'

what does he think I do all day!?

DF - it gets better once your DC can crawl/walk. I send DS1 after DH when he retreats to the bathroom for his post-work loo trip. I don't get to be alone in there so why should he?

I feel your pain too OP, totally understand your DH is a good guy but has an underlying 'twat' tendency. My DH is the same, we alternate lie ins on a weekend but while for me that means being ready for the day at 9am instead of 7am for him its closer to 11am (if we have no plans for the day), and on my lie in days I come down stairs at 9am to a ferral toddler still in his PJ's, toys for miles, half eaten cereal still sitting on the table, DH's breakfast things still sitting on the bench and DH dozing on the couch in his dressing gown, let alone last nights dishes cleared away or any washing put on!!!

Ooooh and DH always locks the door when he has a poop or shower, really gets me riled - for years I wasnt able to do either of those in peace!!