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Son's Friend Driving Me Mad

12 replies

rowingboat · 07/04/2011 23:00

Hi all,
not sure what I am looking for here, but wondering if this is normal.
My son has a friend whose behaviour is quite challenging in comparison to the other boys my son plays with.
I find it difficult to articulate where the problem lies, but I think it has something to do with his lack of understanding of appropriate in his behaviour when dealing with adults. He uses the same names for adults as he does for his friends, such as stinky bum or farty breath. It's quite grating and even after having this explained and possible alternatives suggested, he continues unabated.
He ignores adults when asked a question such as, 'would you like a drink of milk'. I know this is quite common at 6, but this extends beyond anything I have seen in other boys his age.
He is quite physical and has shown me his genitals on a number of occasions. He has also grabbed and smacked my bottom, even after I have explained that I do not like this and it isn't something adults think is OK.
He makes statements like 'my daddy has more money than you' or 'my mummy is clever and you aren't'.
Quite often when I speak to him he tells me to 'be quiet'.
My own son looks quite shocked at this friend's behaviour and has told me he would never say the things this friend does and that he knows these are things which adults would find annoying.
When they play together the friend is very high maintenance, demanding to win constantly until my son agrees, to keep the peace.
His parents are both very considerate, kind and gentle people who have told me separately that they think their son may have Aspergers or something similar.
I think if I knew there were something underlying his difficult behaviour it would make it easier to handle, but I find him quite hard to be around, just not sure how to respond to his behaviour.
Phew, and breathe.

OP posts:
rowingboat · 07/04/2011 23:01

Sorry, I didn't mention that he is six, almost seven.

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MCos · 07/04/2011 23:47

but your son likes him, regardless?

rowingboat · 08/04/2011 07:48

Yes, he can be very funny and he adores my son. However, my son comes does complain about the 'always winning' thing. 6 year olds seem very forgiving/forgetful. Smile

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rowingboat · 08/04/2011 07:51

Oh and some of the other boys love him because he has a kind of 'bad boy' cachet. Hmm

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colditz · 08/04/2011 07:57

Six year olds are difficult, and six year olds with asperger's are even more so.

be very clear about the rules at your house. get his attention (not necessarily eye contact, I suggest a hand on the shoulder) and say "YOu are not allowed to call me names that are not MY name. If you call me names that are not MY name, you will go straight home" - and STICK to it. About the game-winning thing - Ds1 still has trouble with this and is 8.

I will remove any game that is making anyone angry or sad. Tell him "If a game is making you or Ds angry or sad because it isn't happening the way you want, I will take the game away for the rest of your visit." - STICK to it.

And if he gets too too much, call his mother and ask her to take him home because he's not settling.

MaryBS · 08/04/2011 08:00

If he has Aspergers, are his parents doing anything about it? Because behaviour like this can and should be addressed. If his parents are not correcting his behaviour at home, then he will not see anything wrong in what he is doing. Both DS and I have Aspergers and I am down on him like a ton of bricks if he is inappropriate. I am in constant contact with the school re: DS so that we reinforce the same message. Behaviour has to be taught and the teaching has to be consistent.

rowingboat · 09/04/2011 10:05

Thank you for the information.
Colditz I was thinking I might have to be a lot firmer and more 'school-teachery' with him, he does respond quite well to very direct orders and doesn't seem to 'get' that he is upsetting me or making me feel uncomfortable.
Mary he has a nine year old brother who is autistic and he has been assessed, but quite a long time ago, he was found not to be autistic. I don't know much about it, but I would presume they would be looking for aspergers at the same time.
I don't think his parents are very happy with the outcome and, as I said, still feel there is something.
I don't think they do anything particular to address the fact that he may have some form of aspergers, partially because they have another three children, one of whom is autistic.
I think they should be doing something to help him build his skills in empathising and social rules (I realise, not very easy to learn - I still bumble around annoying people and I'm over 40).

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colditz · 09/04/2011 21:13

If he is 6 now, and he was found not to have aspergers 'quite a long time ago', he needs reassessing. many aspergic children are not diagnosed until 9 or 10

rowingboat · 09/04/2011 22:34

Thanks Colditz, not entirely sure I know how to tackle telling the parents that, without also revealing that I was whinging about their son online. Blush
I might, kind of, bring the conversation around to the topic and see if they want to chat about it. However, whether or not they feel they want to have him assessed I will certainly try the very firm line you have suggested. It might help my son deal with some of the behaviour he finds difficult to cope with.

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MaryBS · 10/04/2011 09:12

(and I wasn't diagnosed until 40!)

Agree he needs reassessing. Perhaps you could say you have a friend with a child with Aspergers and has similar behaviour to their son?

rowingboat · 10/04/2011 14:18

Hi Mary, that's a long time to go without a diagnosis, was it helpful for you in terms of the support available (if there is any)?
I'm thinking along the line you suggest, but haven't come up with anything which wouldn't sound blatantly obvious or completely rubbish.

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MaryBS · 10/04/2011 16:44

Not in terms of support available, but in terms of my own peace of mind and self esteem, it was tremendously helpful!

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