Explaining disabilities to my 4yo

[JimJammum]

I have an intelligent and curious 4yo ds. I would like some guidance on how to discuss and explain those with disabilities to him without bombarding him with info, and how to answer the inevitable "why" questions asked loudly in the supermarket queue.

PS Before I get shot down in flames - no offence meant by this post. I just want to know what to say without offending anyone and so he doesn't either.

ideally i would say something about everyone being born different but ds (almost 4) asked me something the other day, can´t remember what, but i was a bit flummoxed and ending up rambling on and tailing off and being thankful he´d obviously already thought of something else.

"Sometimes people have had a nasty accident and damaged their arms/legs/eyes/whatever, and sometimes people are born with something not working as well as ours do" should cover most things. I don't think most people with a disability will be annoyed or offended to hear you explain it to such a young child.

When I had to try to explain dd's disabilities to then 4 yo ds I said."dd's brain is not working properly like most childrens and yours,your brain normally sends messages to other parts of the body telling them what to do,but dd's can't and that is why she finds it difficult to walk and talk"

At around the same time we were on a bus and a chap who had had his arm amputated was sat on the bus.Cue ds saying VERY loudly "Mummy LOOK that man has only got one arm!!".After wishing the ground would swallow me up I explained that the man had probably had a nasty accident and the doctors had had to cut his arm off because they couldn't mend it.Luckily chap in question was lovely and had an excellent sense of humour and proceeded to show ds his amputation site and explain stuff to him!

I think people worry far too much about what their children may say.
I think most right minded people understand that a children asks questions from a position of innocence.
I never mind children asking questions about my boy. It is the knuckle headed stuff that adults come out with that is annoying.

This interview with the ceebeebies presenter who has one arm has some interesting comments that might give you soe ideas.

sorry, now link enabled

I would just answer questions as they come up - which they will. Tell the truth but make it as simple and short as you can. My kids have never ever commented on the Cbeebies presenter. An overseas friend lost a leg and I told them about that, and they notice people in wheelchairs etc. I really don't think that you need to pre-empt it.

I agree with speakercorner.My kids as well have never commented on the Cbeebies presenter or any disabeled person,as you said keep it simple and explain it as it is.
kids are innocent,they can judge from what they hear and sence from adult around them.My view is, it is a good idea to have presenter with differences as well,so kids grow up seeing it a normal thing rather than a problem.

Thanks for your posts. Just didn't want to be a "knuckle-headed" adult! He hasn't noticed Ceri on CBeebies, but we were in a car park and discussing why we couldn't park in disabled spaces which led onto "why do you have to be in a wheelchair". I was just mindful of the "born with/happened to" distinction and how best to explain without seeming ignorant, and sensible should he repeat the explanation at school or wherever.

Do you know I really struggle with is sentiment:

"My view is, it is a good idea to have presenter with differences as well,so kids grow up seeing it a normal thing rather than a problem."

It isn't normal.

Don't misunderstand me, I don't think that persons with disabilities of any sort should be prevented from making the most of their opportunities like persons without disabilities do, but I think it is unhelpful to tell children that these 'differences' are normal.

Disability is a fact of life. There is no sugar-coating. All people with a disability have some sort of limitation that their body/brain causes them, and they need to take steps to overcome that limitation. Some people will be able to do that with little or no adaptations, others will need extensive adaptations. Some people will be able to overcome their disabilities and access life as fully as those without disabilities, and others will, despite every effort to overcome their disability, still face extensive limitations on their ability to access the opportunities their non-disabled peers do.

My daughter has a brain malformation. Do I want her friends to grow up thinking that her condition is 'normal'? No. I want them to grow up understanding that DD1's brain is a little bit poorly, and that means that sometimes she doesn't understand the rules as they do, and sometimes they need to accept her additional needs. Other times she is simply being as naughty as they are!

I think there is a real danger in presenting disabilities as 'differences'. There are some conditions which confer benefits as well as limitations, such as some areas of the ASC spectrum, where some people with ASC have hugely superior analytical skills, etc., so obviously, like anyone else, those skills should be recognised. But I feel that when we present disability as 'normal', how do we address the fact that in general, people's main wish for their growing baby is that it is 'healthy' or 'normal'?

DD1 is a wonderful little girl. But her brain malformation limits her in so many ways - to try and present it otherwise for Political Correctness would be simply madness, and untrue. We need to accept her disability, and love her despite it - not pretend it isn't there.