Finding it hard to give DS(7) independence

[NickNacks]

I know now is the perfect age to start giving my son some freedom and reponsibility but i am finding it very hard. He is very well behaved and never gives me any reason to believe he would do anything silly.

Recently we have given him some new chores and one of them is to take the dustbins out to the road, down the back communual alley to a side street. I can't see him once he leaves the garden so i run up to the bathroom to watch him then back down once he's finished. He doesn't know i do this but i can't bear to have him in public without an adult.

At the moment we walk to school and have just started walking with another boy in his class. This other boy is allowed to leave the path we walk on to go down a back route and re-join the path later down the road. Out of sight for approx 3-4 mins. Friend asked DS to join him this morning and i said No but friends mum joined in saying 'oh go on let him- they are together, they'll be fine'. I felt silly saying no after that so i said yes but had a complete panic attack (inside) until he came back into view.

How do you all deal with giving your children independence? Am i the only one who is findng this so hard???!!!

The friend's mum is completely wrong to push you. She just wants to validate her own decision. If you don't think it is right, talk to your ds and tell him that you said yes and regretted it, and he is not allowed to do that. Be firm the next day.

My DD likes to go behind a little house in our park. She is out of sight, a lot of druggies use the park (therefore there is a worry about needles etc) and it is next to a road, so other people could potentially be talking to her etc. I have told her she is not allowed to go there anymore; her friends are so it is awkward. But I am going to stick to my guns because I really don't think that it is a good place for her to be.

We allowed DSS to go to our local shop (quiet roads) at 10. Seven seems way too young to me, but shall be interested in what others say.

We have a similar thing at our local park - a different route, out of sight about 3 minutes. I allow DS1 and DS2 to go together, or with kids we know. The only condition is that they should stick together and not deviate from agreed plan. Happy compromise? I do stop breathing when I don't see them though.

It's so hard, isn't it?

I did exactly what you said actually Upto , set a few ground rules before he disappeared.

I also agree with you speakercorner that i was a little put out by being co-erced into letting him- especially in front of all the children- I think it made me look weak and usually if i say no, it means no.

I think it's the whole thing of trusting DS but I don't trust strangers.

I think I'll just have to cope with the panic and try not to let it show to him until it begins to feel more natural which I'm sure it will one day when he's 30 .

I find it hard and was quite protective till about 10 when i let them walk to local parks/shops with friends and to school on their own (10 min walk). I still walk with my 8 year olds. Don't let people push you into what you don't feel right with. I felt judged by those who let their kids run wild and those who wouldn't let their kids do anything but as long as i am happy then it is fine. My almost 15 year old is very independant so i think I did OK (so far anyway!).

One thing I noticed with my mother (who I think suffered from an anxiety disorder) was that she told us such a long list of things we needed to worry about that we didn't believe in any of them. (I have to say that some of them were quite barking.) I think you need to be quite specific and realistic when giving children the infomation they need to become more independent.

Thank you all - very good advice which i have taken on board. I've decided to let him do this but only when with his friend who is actually a very sensible boy too.

I do suffer with anxiety and panic attacks but I know that's my issue and i do work hard not to project it onto my children. I'm hoping it gets easier with DC2 and 3! Incidently, DS's friend is 2nd of 3 and so mum is probably a lot more chilled just from experience.

Good idea about the chats and senerios. I probably do the opposite to your mum GrendelsMum , in that i hide bad things from my DC's because i don't want to scare them and keep them 'innocent' I suppose.

cat64, just curious - do you think you are also more relaxed because you have 3?

I am such a worrier and even though my kids are 3.10 and 16 months, I just sit in fear of the day all this independence stuff has to happen.

I sometimes think maybe I should have a third before im too old as somehow i seem to think I will feel more relaxed.
Not sure why bacause as I read this back I sound mad .

Safety in numbers? The thought that if something happened to one, id have an only?

Im fully aware that if anything happened to either, or no matter how many I had the devistation would be equally as bad.

Just wondered if this made you more relaxed somehow?

It does Thanks! Yes im much more relaxed with DD with most things but strangley don't like leaving her with grandparents as much !

Only because my mum used to take DS (just mainly for 3/4 hours at a time) from a very small baby right up until DD was born when he was 2.5 then she disappeared !

So the year I had a very under active thyroid, a toddler and a baby with reflux my mum who lives round the corner somehow just decided, well, she breastfeeds, it's cold I will wait> I did breast feed DS but this is what she said .

Now she is starting to take them a bit and DD is really upset about being left which is hard for me too. I won't leave her in a gym creche even though I did with DS from 9 months. I can't bare the big sad eyes look when I walk away, DS never did this.

Otherwise, Im too relaxed with her sometimes, I keep forgetting she is not DS's age.

This morning they were both out in the garden and I got caught up doing stuff for ages, then I suddenly thought, oh, she is only 16 months, she could be standing on a concrete step munching a bee I better go and check them!