Please somebody help me to see where I am going wrong. Life is crumbling....

[MumSecret]

Before having ds2 18 months ago, our life was pretty comfortable. Dh works full time, I work 2 days a week, we have on older ds who is now 7, we had a reasonable standard of living.

Ds2 has never slept through the night yet, and after 18months of hell we are now really struggling to cope.

We have very very little family support. The only person who helps us is MIL. She has ds2 on the 2 days that I work. This allows us to keep going financially, but we have absolutely no other options for childcare outside of that.

Neither me nor dh has had any night or day off since ds2 was born. He is so demanding that it is practically impossible to look after the 2 kids alone unless you just park ds1 in front of a screen.

Ds2 also seems very bad at picking up every cough and cold going and has had about 6 loads of antibiotics so far in his little life. This means any ideas of getting any sleep in the night are out the window.

I feel so sorry for ds1, that his life has been so destroyed. His mum & dad have gone from being so happy and attentive to him to now barely having time to make him any tea after school.

We expected this for the 1st few months with a newborn, but now it has just gone on too long.

Ds2 is ill again at the moment. I have caught the cold off him AGAIN, and things were so bad trying to get everybody ready this morning (after ANOTHER night of no sleep) that dh was talking about calling social services and saying that we just can't cope

Just as a temporary solution (and speaking as on older sibling too) could you get your MIL to take ds2 for a day or so, and do something special with ds1?

You sound so knackered. Tiredness really makes everything so much worse (and illness on top).

What about getting someone in to help with the sleep issues? A sleep consultant?

Tiredness is so awful to deal with long term. Poor you. My DS is a better sleeper but we have no family nearby so I know how it feels when you see other people who can have kids staying over with GPs overnight, can drop them off for tea etc.
Is there any chance your MIL could take DS2 for an extra day a week, or even half a day? This would be basically to allow you sleep time. I found that even one decent block of extra sleep really helped me.
Could you trade babysitting with friends at all? Is there anyone you know who would do it in return for something else you can offer them (ie not money)?
Is there any room to cut down your living costs (I know this is hard and everyone is squeezed right now) to pay for a little extra help?

It sounds really hard. I think from your message what would make a difference if you could get a tiny bit of time truly for yourself every week and a set time every week to have quality time with DS1 as you feel so guilty about what is going on. To get quality time yourself, would it be possible for DH to look after the children one evening so you can go out either do an adult learning course in something you enjoy or the gym or so. Ideally something which requires you to focus and doing something you can look back on the rest of the week. The risk of just meeting up with friends is that it ends up in a complaining session and it may not feel you better in the end. Can either DH or you take DS1 out for half a day to something he enjoys every week (play ground, park, football, whatever it may be and then have a drink or maybe pizza together, either all of you or just DS1 with the parent). Alternatively, one of you may take DS2 out half a day in the weekend so that the other can have quality time with DS1 at home with no distractions. Would you have any spare room and any chance to take in what is now called a 'demi-pair' basically they are students who live with you like an au pair, but you don't pay them pocket money and in exchange for accommodation and food they help an agreed number of hours per week with the children. Of course will only work if you are relatively close to an university. Hopefully with the weather getting better it may also get a bit easier, less colds and more chance to go out and about, e.g nice picknick, walks etc.

Can't you and your Dh take turns in looking after your children, so one day you spend more time with your eldest and get a good nights sleep, and vice versa?

Very hard situation. :(

To alleviate the guilt over your older DS, I wonder if maybe you could split the childcare a little with your DH so that he looks after the youngest while you do something lovely with your eldest, and vice versa, now and again? And do you have any friends who could take DS2 for a couple of hours while you have a kip?

God, everything is ten times worse when you are knackered. I am, all the time, and I only have one your DS2's age.

Big hugs to you.

Hi
Thanks all.
Just a little understanding can go a long way.

We are gradually accepting that we have to split the parenting to get by (especially on weekends).

I just can't imagine what state our marriage will be in by the time ds2 goes to school. We barely have time to even hold a conversation on a regular basis and are becoming like strangers.

MumSecret Sympathies! I have 2 DSs too - DS1 is 3.1 and DS2 is 17 months old and it was hell for the first year. I had no idea if I was coming or going and was constantly in tears. DS2 suffered badly from reflux - threw up pretty much everyday since he was little and seemed to catch everything and was constantly ill. He coughed every night - some nights, it was all night coughing and other nights, it was 'episodes'. I went through every sickness and illness in the book, thinking there must be a reason he is coughing every night. We have thought of reflux, CF, asthma, brochilitis etc etc. He was on Omeprazole, then Ranitidine. It was only since the weather started getting better that he has completely stopped coughing at night and we have started to sleep better and it makes a huge difference even if you have had just one night of decent sleep. We still have no clue why he coughed every night and was so ill for such a long time. But I do feel your pain. But almost overnight, with the night coughing, DS2 also stopped being ill all the time and eating better and suddenly my life is a lot easier. And I'm finally enjoying my days with the boys.

Can your MIL have the boys overnight? It's not going to kill her to have one night of bad sleeping but it will do wonders for your DH and your ability to carry on. Whereabouts are you? So you have Surestart near you? Can you call them for help?

You poor thing. I very much recommend the Healthy Sleep, happy baby book. ou'll recognize your babe as a high-maintenance baby. Skip right to the emergency treatment plan, it worked for me...good luck!

MumSecret can you talk to your GP about DS2's health? The repeated colds/sleep issues/him being so demanding.

Do you think it is allergy related or immune system?

Do you use vitamin drops?

Have you thought about a humidifier or vapouriser if he gets chesty?

What are your sleeping arrangements. Can you take it turns to be on duty/have earplugs in?

You could post in Children's Health section and the Sleep section.

Does MIL cope with DS2 on her 2 days?

Get yourself on the waiting list for pre-school so that the term after he turns 3 he gets his 15 hours.

Can you get tax credits towards child care so that MIL's time can be for you to rest/be with DH and or DS1?

Have you considered crainial osteopathy for DS2 if he has always been difficult. What was the birth like/his feeding etc?

How is DS1's behaviour etc?

I don't think you're doing anything wrong - you've had 18m of broken sleep and a poorly DS2!

Hi there, just reading everyone else's posts and thinking wow, everyone has great advice. Big hugs to you and your young family, children are surprisingly resilient so as long as you have cuddles together (maybe while DS2 is having a rusk etc.) and maybe have five minutes of tickling or joking around, take a deep breath and smile. If you're relaxed (I tell myself this everytime my blood pressure rises) then they will feed off that.
Why don't you talk to your MIL? Maybe if you tweak LOs routine, there may be a simpler reason why he's not sleeping through?
Last thing: 5 nights of battles will win the war, 3 nights of battles before conceding defeat won't win any wars! Good luck xxx