Is what I'm feeling normal or am I doing something wrong?

[ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky]

My ds is 8 months old. Recently, I got very upset and told my dh that up until about 2 months ago, I don't remember playing with or interacting with my ds when he was newborn up until he was about 6 months. I know I must have, but I think because it all seems to have gone so fast and because I struggled with him as a newborn I only seem to remember how much he cried. Now that he can crawl and play with things it seems easier to play with him and enjoy him.

Whenever I have mentioned to my dh how I have felt and how difficult I have found being at home all day with ds, he always says something like "Well I'll swap anyday, you can go back to work and I'll stay at home", I can't seem to explain why I don't want to go back to work but sometimes I need feel like I need someone else to take ds.

DH is upstairs doing ds's bath and bed routine now because I broke down (again) while ds was refusing to eat his dinner because it was dh and not me feeding him and I know in a while ds will refuse to let dh give him his bedtime bottle, he won't let dh do any night feeds and he won't go to sleep if dh puts him to bed. I have to do it all because ds wants me, not dh. I feel incredibly guilty for not wanting to always have to be the one that has to do everything for him because I feel like I should be grateful I have the time to do all this for him now, when in a couple of months my mat leave ends and I know I will be savouring every moment I can get with him. I know that I should enjoy the time I have now, but at the same time I want to be on my own just a little bit.

DS seems to be suffering from separation anxiety at the moment and I literally can't sit on the sofa while ds plays on the floor without him screaming the place down so when ds cries, I try to calm him because otherwise he will just cry all day and night and I feel like I'm going crazy enough as it is. DH says it's my fault he cries all the time because ds knows if he cries I will give him attention. So dh leave him to cry if for instance he won't eat his dinner, ds then looks at me and sobs his heart out because I should be fixing it, so more often than not I go to ds and calm him, then dh is annoyed at me. DH then says that I spend too much time listening to that lot on mumsnet about what I should or shouldn't be doing instead of just getting on with it myself.

I have recently been very temperamental and crying all over the place or getting annoyed at dh at the slightest thing. So obviously he is getting annoyed with me but I don't have anyone else to rant at which is why I've written this. I don't even know if there is anything anyone can say to help me but at least I've written it down.

I'm sorry I don't really have much constructive to say but didn't want you to go unanswered.

It's really hard work looking after a little one, particularly as it is just you that he seems to want. On the plus side, it is good that your DH wants to be involved, but really sad for you that he doesn't want to respond to your baby's crying. And he is just a baby.

What are your childcare arrangements for when you go back to work? If it's a nursery or a childminder, could you possibly do one session a week with the baby there. They will be experienced in helping the baby to settle. This might give you a bit of time out, and would also get your baby used to the idea in a very gentle way before you return to work.

You do sound like you need some rest and a bit of time out, so I hope you can find a way to get this.

Well I think it is fairly normal, but then my boys were very clingy and only ever wanted me to do anything for them. Fast forward nearly 11 and 9 yrs on and they are completely different. My eldest is so self suffcient and doesn't often ask me for any help, and ds2 who used to cry if dh held him loves snuggling upto dh watching dad's army on tv or playing computer games with him. I find it hard to remember what they were like as babies unless I look at photos, just remember how tiring and clingy they were.

Good luck, it will all be fine in the end. :)

Sounds to me like you're exhausted and in need of a break to re-charge your batteries - and who wouldn't after 8 months of doing the hardest job in the world? Could DH take DS for a morning at the weekend to give you some me-time? My DH recently started doing this and it's been a life saver - I get a long lie/uninterrupted shower and he gets some quality time with DS. They have a lovely time (I even feel quite jealous some days!). With regard to the crying, IMO DS will cry more if you don't respond to him - it's his only way of communicating that something is wrong - but maybe DS needs to get more used to DH settling him? (If DH was reading over my shoulder he would be snorting and suggesting I take my own advice...)

I have an 8 month old too, so know what's like ....sometimes you are just knackered and that's ok it doesn't make you a bad Mum.

I don't let my DS cry it out either and that's ok, I suppose I've got my DH going the other way and now he panics when DS is crying.. but I know that some people do let their baby grizzle for a bit- each baby and Mum are different. People parent based on what they know and that is what your DH is doing.

May I suggest a book called "What Mothers do Especially When No One is looking", it might put a bit of perspective on it.

Or just getting out of the house and going for a walk by yourself for half an hour.

I recognise those feelings! To be honest I still get like it and mine are 2 and 5! I think it's incredibly hard being the one who does everything all day everyday and it's hard for other people who don't do it to understand how you feel. I never ever got a moment to myself (no family to help) in those first months and years and still rarely do. I wouldn't change it though as I want to be the one to bring them up and it sounds like you feel the same.

Our ds is 9 months and is still such a little baby, I don't let him cry if I can. If you can't handle hearing him cry I would say you are right to calm him down. Because you are the one who has to listen to it all day! And also because you have to trust your instincts and do what you feel is right - is that what your dh is trying to say?

It sounds like you need to have a talk with your dh. I'd hate if mine made me feel like I had it so easy being at home with ds. Its really hard work! And it isn't going to be a nice atmosphere at home if you aren't agreeing on how to handle it, say when ds doesn't eat (have you read Gill Rapley's Baby Led Weaning book? It really made me want to have stress free mealtimes)

It does sound like you are finding it tough at the moment, maybe think about having a word with your gp or hv?

Thank you everyone for all your replies, I'm looking at that book on Amazon right now malachysmum

I think dh and I get frustrated with each other because he finds it all so easy and ds always seems more relaxed when they're alone, I feel like it's me that makes ds upset and dh thinks I make it harder for myself than it is. Albrecht I do think thats what he means - I'm always trying to find ways to help ds sleep better or calmer at nappy changes etc but I'm just trying to find out what works best for ds.

schmee it will be my mum and MIL looking after ds when I'm back at work and I'm sure they would be happy to look after him for a little bit each week but tbh I don't want to leave ds if I don't have to, especially as he gets so upset when I'm not there at the moment. This is why I'm finding it so difficult at the moment - I know I need a break but I don't want one at the same time! I think I may just be making it harder for myself!