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What type of child do I have?

26 replies

PlopPlopPing · 05/04/2011 16:14

I have been planning on getting a parenting book along the lines of "Raising your sensitive/intense/spirited/intuitive child". That sort of book. Problem is I'm not sure which one my child is and don't want to get the wrong book.

I know this sounds crap as she's 4 so I should know by now but I just can't make her out! I so want us to have a good relationship and I think a book on the correct type of child would help. So I'm hoping that if I describe her here someone who knows about these things might be able to tell me. I've spent years trying to understand what is going on in her head but I have no previous parenting experience plus it's a bit like dealing with a very small mad person!

So, she has always (from a baby) been a crier, a really loud wailing cry even now. I never used to understand when she was a baby (and just thought I was a terrible mum) why my voice never southed her when she was really upset. I think she goes from fine to devastated in an instant and once she's there it's hard to get her back and communicate with her. So I guess she is very emotional. As a baby she hated being changed, so much so that she would cry enough to make my ears bleed (ok I'm exagerating). From birth really she has objected to everything from having her nappy changed to not getting her food immediately. She also used to be so particular about which beaker she had/which way we walked down the road (that was very extreme it seemed to me) etc but that's calmed down a bit.

She is very intense in that she will draw for ages but will often go from one creative activity to the next leaving cellotape/string/tissue paper/glue etc in a trail behind her, she just loves is and does it constantly.

She loves learning and loves it when you tell her new stuff, you can see her absorbing every bit of information.

She's very, very, very, very impatient. Sometimes I think she feels that she is centre of the world but I suppose this is probaby common at that age.

She argues about everything. She asks a lot of questions and then tells you are wrong and can argue forever but usually has very good points!

If she hurts herself she cries A LOT! Sometimes it's hard to know what to do or how bad it is as she cries so much about the tinniest graze. Think she must have a low pain threshold or maybe she's a dramaqueen.

Socially she has lots of friends and it popular. She loves other children. Occassionally she gets shy if she is in a new place with new people but then comes round eventually. Other times she goes straight up to new children and chats away. Maybe it is when she feels secure or something.

I'm making her sound very delicate but in a lot of ways she is very tough. She sticks up for herself and I would say she is assertive (at least she is with us).

I'll add anything else that pops to mind.

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DrSeuss · 05/04/2011 16:20

I think you just described most four year olds I know, including my DS! I don't want to appear rude, but is it possible that she's actually fairly average, by which I mean average in a good way as in having no particular problems that need addressing? If so, I'd just let her be!

purepurple · 05/04/2011 16:30

You really can't pigeon hole children like that. If they are books that advise how to raise your "sensitive/intense/spirited/intuitive child" then they are all wrong and a waste of money.
Your DD sounds normal to me. Just keep doing what you are doing. All children are different.
Where have you seen these books? Avoid that place in future.

PlopPlopPing · 05/04/2011 16:32

Amazon

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bigTillyMint · 05/04/2011 16:35

I got a book called Raising your Spirited Child and cried with relief reading it, as it described DS perfectly.

Your description sounds like she could be spirited, but only you will be able to tell.

Could you try borrowing some books from the library?

JaxTellersOldLady · 05/04/2011 16:39

There are books which I have, Raising Girls and the other one is Raising Boys.

I really 'got' the raising boys one, but girls are so different.

Must dig the girls one out again and re read as I didnt find it very helpful first time round.

thisisyesterday · 05/04/2011 16:41

i like "raising your spirited child" too

PlopPlopPing · 05/04/2011 16:41

bigTillyMint Does she sound like your dc then?

It's just that every reaction seems so over the top and so demanding. It's only since having another child that I have been sure that they aren't all like that (as my first I had nothing to compare to), but I suspected. My second child I think is more average in that they have tantrums and things but is less extreme in his reactions and I can communicate so much easier with him. It's like dc2 actually listens and hears me. I really want to handle my oldest better.

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13lucky · 05/04/2011 20:16

Plop - my dd sounds exactly like yours! And my younger ds sounds exactly like your younger ds! I shall be watching with interest...!

girliefriend · 05/04/2011 20:21

You have just described my dd exactly!!! Freaked me out a little bit actually as I thought she was the only one!!!

I describe her as very sensitive, Im not sure she is any more spirited than any other child. Agree that you can't group all kids together I think from those kind of books you just take what makes sense to you iyswim?!

PlopPlopPing · 05/04/2011 22:21

DrSeuss I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with her but I want to understand her more and be able to react in better ways. Hopefully then things won't escalate as they often do as she gets very frustrated and I get angry and I hate getting angry with her! It's just so hard when she get hysterical over so little!

purepurple I am happy "doing what I am doing" to a certain extent but some days I feel like I really need help and that I'm fucking it up. It's so important to get this right!

bigTillyMint & thisisyesterday So what is a "Spirited child exactly?" I've never really understood what that term meant.

JaxTellersOldLady I have seen those books around but the titles sounded so vague.

13lucky That's weird!

girliefriend Did yours cry everytime they had to be changed as a baby? I've never seen a child other then my own react so strongly about it!

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sharbie · 05/04/2011 22:26

i've never read a book like these - but dd asd v much like this she cried the place down all the time esp when she had filled her nappy - it had to be changed that instant.
she totally changed as soon as she started school and is now one of the most lovely quietest teenagers you could ever meet.
just took me tearing my hair out for first 4 yrs. Wink

sharbie · 05/04/2011 22:26

not asd that shd be was

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/04/2011 22:32

PlopPlopPing, my DS screamed and protested so much about getting his nappy changed that when possible, I would get someone to help. I would be down the business end and the other would be giving upside down kisses and doing soothing. It didn't really work, but I suppose I felt better having someone there.

As the Welsh philosopher Thomas Jones said "It's not unusual".

Don't fret, you sound like you're doing a great job and your DD sounds fine.

bosch · 05/04/2011 22:36

I maintain that all/most first borns are a bit like you describe. And number two is always more reasonable.

There has to be a nature/nurture reason for this, I'm convinced. I normally blame myself for being a rubbish mum first time around, though occasionally decide it's nature and outside of my control. But in the meantime, I could have cried when I read your 16:41 comments.

All I can say is that it does get easier. Ds1 is 9 now. I'm hoping its going to carry on getting easier. At least now I can tease him a bit and make him laugh about his character - v quick to cry at injustice, really hard to get him to concentrate, never willing to accept advice or help, incredibly bright and often very funny. Lovely and infuriating at the same time.

Most days I usually tell him if he doesn't start behaving better I'm going to chop off his head, that normally helps me and makes him laugh even if it doesn't necessarily improve his behaviour.

wook · 05/04/2011 22:42

bosch mine are the other way round, my dd is younger than ds and just like yours OP, though younger. I put it down to her starsign!! Blush She's a mighty wonder, but has always been very intense and demanding. Strangely, she can be very sweet, loving and affectionate as well as being frankly a bit scary at times.

sharbie · 05/04/2011 22:51

mine round other way too

BunnyWunny · 05/04/2011 22:53

She sounds normal, just a different personality to your other child. 'Spirited' is used by parents to make excuses for naughty or difficult children. My friend has a child who is horrible- she just say's he 's very gifted and too clever for other children to understand (as he grabs them by the throat and bites their faces). Give me average any day.

FoxtrotMikiLima · 05/04/2011 22:54

You have described my ds exactly too! I thought I was the only one! All my friends' little ones seem so much more chilled out than my ds and have been feeling like I'm doing something wrong, which i know is silly. On the other hand, despite his 'spiritedness', he seems more engaging and
Knowing than some of the other dc. Swings and roundabouts.

girliefriend · 05/04/2011 22:57

Yes she cried all the time a lot as a baby, but def when changing nappy, undressing for bathtime, coming out of the bath, easisly over tired/ over stimulated, loud noises (I sneezed once when I was a bit too close to her and she burst into tears!!!). I found that routine routine routine helped then and still helps now (she is now a delightful, funny, clever and much more reasonable 5yo!!)

It has got a lot eaiser as she has got older, she still cries eaisly and sobs if she hurts herself but thats just my girl!

PlopPlopPing · 06/04/2011 09:37

DioneTheDiabolist I used to get someone to help as well, but nothing would distract her from the terribleness of having her nappy done! It went on for at least 18 months I think. In the end I found that she was fine if I did it while she watched telly (once she was interested in it) and it was such a relief not to have a huge freak out every time! I used to dread it, it was horrible. Even in the hospital people woud come to see the screaming newborn and look at me like I was rubbish because I couldn't calm her. They would say "what are you doing to her!"

bosch I tell mine her head will fall off!

BunnyWunny So relieved mine doesn't bite faces! She actually pretty well behaved really (anyone would be compared to that).

FoxtrotMikiLima My friends have a real mixture of personalities in their children, but several have those children that are really easy going and passive. Not that I want a passive child! But one mum is always saying (well I tell her I'm having a bad week) that well she just explains to her dc and they just accept it. Just accept it?! Mine never accepts anything. I tell myself it's because she has an enquiring mind Smile

girliefriend Mine hated bathtime too and would go mental when she was little. And then getting out would set her off again. We ended up thinking of little routines to help with these things. Like we would get her out of the bath and play peek-a-boo in the mirror. Sometimes she still went nuts and othertimes it helped a bit. Can be exhausting though thinking of things like this to do all the time.

I think I also feel guilty as I was really ill during the pregnancy and afterwards for a long time and feel this had a massive affect (mental illness), and I went through a trauma (which is what triggered the mental illness) that was so hard to get over. I feel that the way I was had an effect of unbalancing her emotionally.

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girliefriend · 06/04/2011 09:47

Thats interesting that you had a stressful pregnancy as I was going to ask you that! I also was ill during the pregnancy and had an horrendous labour, birth and when she was finally was born dd was then ill and in scbu for nearly a wk! I maintain that it has had a direct impact on her ability to handle stress and think there is evidence to back it up, why love matters is a good book to read.

Lilke I said it does get eaiser but I think you have to bear in mind that they are sensitive souls and feel emotions very strongly! When I see how laid back some of my friends kids are I 'm amazed!!! I wouldn't change her though Wink

And there is no point feeling guilty over something you had no control over Smile

I find now communication is the key, she still sometimes struggles with transitions but as long as I clearly explain whats happening, whats going to happen and what the plan is later she is fine!

PlopPlopPing · 06/04/2011 10:05

girliefriend I have added the book to my Amazon wish list! In what sort of way were you ill? I was bereaved in such a horrible way and it traumatised me. I developed a severe anxiety disorder as a result and every single day during my pregnancy and the first couple of years after were absolute hell being in my own head!

I know I shoudn't feel guilty as I don't see how else I could have handled things but I think the fact is still there that it damaged my child and that makes me sad. Could have been a lot worse of course! She actually became distressed inside me and it physically affected her development and had to be born early because of it. Then when she was born she had problems eating so stayed very small (still is).

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septemberchild · 06/04/2011 10:13

The Highly Sensitive Child is a really good book, i think you might find that helpful as my dd sounds a lot like yours and it definitely helped me to understand her more.

PlopPlopPing · 06/04/2011 10:32

septemberchild A few people have recommended this book so I think I'll give it a go, thanks!

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nethunsreject · 06/04/2011 10:35

She sounds normal to me too.