Sitting at work feeling like a very bad mum ...

[FrozenNorthPole]

Can anyone tell me how they'd deal with this situation, as my current method is clearly not working?

... because I shouted at DD1 on the way to nursery today and know I made her upset, and that will be her memory of me for the whole day. I'm a research psychologist and KNOW that I'm handling this all wrong, but can't see the wood for the trees. I'm the only parent at home at the moment (DH away with army) and am making an absolute hash of it.

DD1 has always been quite sensitive and spent most of her first year of life crying. She had awful reflux for which she received ranitidine and domperidone and infant gaviscon. She is still taking the former two and the doctor confirms that her reflux is now well controlled. When she's not in hysterical tears she's a happy, alert, friendly and affectionate little girl who loves books, cuddles and games.

However, DD1's disconcerting habit of bursting into hysterical tears at the slightest issue is really wearing me down. It's been going on for about a year now and started when DD2 (now 14 months) arrived. Generally, DD1 has taken to her quite well, and they play and giggle together minus the odd disagreement over toys. But when DD2 begins to cry, DD1 commences wailing. Tears pour down her cheeks, her nose streams and she sobs / yells for around ten minutes, well after DD2's crying has stopped. Complete strangers stop in the street to look at her with pity - she has a very loud cry. I assumed this behaviour would simply fade away as she got used to DD2 being around. It hasn't.

She does not just cry in response to DD2 - it can be anything (and often everything). Being 2, she has no idea that I cannot read her mind and thus she often will not tell me what I can do to make things better. Recent examples (from this morning) include: the top button of her cardigan coming undone, DD2 brushing her foot against DD1's foot in passing and me putting the wrong kind of nappy (did not have a bear on it!) on her.

It's wearing me down and my attempts at helping her move away from the behaviour are clearly not working. I have tried the following (each one over about 2-3 weeks consistently):

• talking to her calmly about her feelings e.g. "mummy knows you're frustrated and upset ... can you tell me why?"
• helping her have time-out (not as a punishment, but more "sit there, calm down, then we'll have a cuddle".
• distracting / diverting e.g. "oooh, look at that dog. What a lovely dog! What colour is the dog?" (has about a 25% success rate if I initiate it early enough)
• offering comfort (big cuddle and reassurance)
• very occasionally bellowing "please stop crying!" when I reach the end of my tether, as I did this morning, particularly when she manages to start DD1 off crying too.
• ignoring (I feel heartless when I do this though, and she just keeps going).

I often see her trying to calm herself down, as I ask her to do, by taking big breaths or taking a drink. However, when I then speak to her / anything else happens, her self-control slips and she wails again.

I don't want in any way to punish her for this, as I know it's entirely the wrong thing to do, but it's so unremitting that it's wearing me down. It's particularly likely to arise when I'm trying to get them both out of the house in the morning, which is horrible because it's some of the only time I get with them - other than collecting from nursery and bedtime - all day. I don't want my DDs' memory of their time with mummy in the morning to be that mummy got cross and shouty. I then end up feeling sad all day (as I am today) for not dealing with it more positively.

Sorry this is such a ramble ... any advice would be so, so very appreciated.

I am sooo not an expert at this as only have DD (11 months) and DSD 8 (part ime) but does she have any special along time with you?

It just stuck me that her over the top crying begins when DD2 starts to cry. It almost sounds like she is trying to one up her sister to get the attention, or stop her sister getting it.
She might be using that same strategy when other non DD2 related things go wrong becuase it is so effective otherwise.

it must be so hard looking after the two of them on your own but do you think you could structure a bit on one on one time with her at some point and see if that makes a difference?

hope it helps, and that it gets better for you.

Are there things you could talk to her about, or act out in play, before they happen? Like her sister crying? I agree that it could well be a jealousy thing. But just wondering if you go through the situation with a doll or something to try and help her understand why her sister cries, and what mummy does to help her sister? Same with any other regular occurances that she finds it hard to deal with.

Could you give her more choices when it comes to things like nappies? Or forewarn her that you don't have any with a bear on today, but that we can get some next time. Or help her pick out a nappy (even if they are all the same) she would like to wear.

I know a lot of it can't be prepared for, like the button on her cardigan. But DD (20mo) is very similar on this front, flying off the handle at something very minor. I just try and stay as calm as I can (which is bloody hard when it's the 17th time this morning, I know!) and say "Oh, your button is undone! Let's do it up. All done. Oh, look at that car!" and try and move on as quickly as possible.

I think they all go OTT a lot of the time. But I can see you're really trying all that you can to help her, which is lovely. A lot of mamas would come on here ranting about how unreasonable and mean and horrid she's being.

Another thought if she does lose it and you can't get her to calm down, is giving her something to hit/punch/kick to let her feelings out...? It might be she doesn't want to calm down if she has all these angry feelings floating about, they might need to go somewhere?

Oh, you poor thing. I think most of the strategies you're trying seem sensible (apart from the shouty one obviously but that's why you posted...!) I think though you're maybe expecting a wee bit too much from her in looking for her to explain her behaviour/feelings - I struggle with that sometimes and I'm FAR older than your DD! This book might help? www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1301920308&sr=8-1
A bit Americanised IMO, but the ideas seem sound to me. Don't be too hard on yourself though - parenting is hard work, especially single handed (albeit temporarily). Give her a big cuddle when you pick her up and indulge in your vice of choice once the kids are in bed tonight! x

I think kids are very "immediate" when they are 2. They don't really have the capacity to think about things particularly coherently. They are upset. They cry. They are worried. They cry. They are cross. They cry. It's not really cognitive at this stage. For that reason, I think you are going to be unlikely to change the situation dramatically until she is just a bit older and is more in control of her feelings.

In the meantime, I think just giving her the message again, and again, and again "I can see you're sad. Tell me in words what's the matter". Eventually she'll get the message. But it might be when she is 3 or 4 or even later.

If it's obviously an attention thing, then I'd ignore. If mornings / getting out the house are an issue, then I'd think about a slightly different routine e.g. no playing till you're dressed / shoes on. If she's worried or cross, I'd give her lots of hugs. IMO, when kids get into a complete tizz they sometimes need help getting out of it. They haven't learned how to do it themselves and they need someone how to show them what to do.

I think the How to Talk book is absolutely fantastic, but methods not really appropriate for a 2 year old. It's too cognitive and language based.

Good luck. And repeat after me "it's only a phase. It's only a phase. It's only a phase.........."

I recognise very clearly what you're describing! I had two boys when my daughter arrived and she was a real shock to my system as she managed her feelings very different. She cried a lot - when she was frustrated, unhappy, hurting ... she would weep and wail forever and no amount of talking, cajoling or bribery would stop her - until she was ready to stop.

I eventually worked out that, annoying as it was, it was actually very therapeutic for her. She has a speech delay and it was simply her way of communicating her feelings and of getting it all out of her system.

She's 5 now and tbh still does enjoy a good cry, sometimes over the smallest things, but now she will take herself off, have a good weep and then regroup and return to the fray feeling much better!

Have to say that I still have a good cry now and again when I'm feeling a little fragile.

You being a research psychologist may be more of a hindrance than a help for you!

Bless you the bursting into tears because the sky is blue thing is normal and yes it drives you absolutley spare - I have been known to lecture pointlessly shout and / or cry myself. And I really do not consider myself a shouty mum or lacking in patience.

I promise you that as long as her needs (food, shelter, sleep, cuddles, hygiene, toys / fun and love and cuddles) and she knows that basically you are her mum, you love her and you will protect her - as soon as you have dropped her at nursery and she is with her friends and some play dough, all is forgotten and she will be fine. Any psychological research notwithstanding

Don't give yourself such a hard time, you are doing great.

Have you read The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron?

Just wanted to say a belated thank you for all the ideas and encouragement. With their help, this morning's departure for nursery was not tear free but WAS shout free. DD1 and I had some special cuddling time this evening and I realised that I often end up constantly holding DD2 in the evenings as she's still a very keen breastfeeder. So I'm determined to try and carve out special time for us two when I can - probably won't be able to do anything particularly special til DH's deployment is finished but at least we can fit more cuddling in. I'm going to look up the two books suggested as well - I keep reading about the 'How to talk ...' one on here and I've seen recommendations for 'The Highly Sensitive Child' too.
Once again, thank you for the reassurance

I can relate to this! I actually posted herre earlier today ("What type of child do i have?") as I have been wanting to find a book to help me deal with her and understand her more. She has always been very emotional and will burst out crying extremely loudly over next to nothing. It's bloody hard!

I agree - it doesn't make life easy does it? I tell myself that her sensitivity and empathy will stand her in good stead in later life, as will her imagination and intelligence (and willpower). It's a challenge now but if I can nurture her and help her feel secure as much as possible I believe that this is something that will abate with time (easy for me to write when she's upstairs and snoring, less easy for me to reiterate to myself when she's mid scream )

Me to! I'm always thinking that it is great that she is so assertive!