Struggling to cope with 2 little ones

[choceyes]

I have a 2.5yr DS and a 7 month old DD. And I feel like I can't cope with it all.

I can't put DD down even for a moment without DS hitting her and grabbing her toys from her. Even when DS is not there DD doesnt like being put down anyway. So I end up carrying her a lot.

DS attends nursery 2 days a week, so that is a relief but i still have to take him to nursery those days and pick him up one day. the day i do drop off and pick up i have hang around town cos it's too much to go back home and come back into town. TBH it's the getting ready in the morning to take them both out i find the hardest and i have to do that mon-fri.

We have no regular family help.

Also I really miss my pre DC life and cos we have no childcare we can't go out at night ever. I know there are babysitters available but DD needs me still as I breastfeed and she doesn't take a bottle. DS also wakes up at night and sometimes is hysterical, only I can calm him down, so unsure leaving him with a babysitter.

DH is very helpful and great with the kids and housework.But he is also always moaning about the lack of a social life however and the relentlessness of looking after the DCs.
DD wasn't planned and it was a shock after trying for 2yrs to conceive DS and we had used protection too. We absolutely LOVE DD to bits but having 2 is soooo much harder than 1.

When i started ML I had visions of all 3 of us (DS, DD and me), enjoying the days together, me spending lots of time with DS etc etc. but the reality is that I never spend any quality time with DS and DD is quite demanding and when DD is there DS acts really silly and I end up shouting at him most days and it makes me feel guilty for the rest of the day.
Now I'm looking forward to going back to work (initially due to go back Sep but now decided July as DH is a teacher and able to look after them on hols, and I need a break!).

i feel such a failure as a mother really. Especially towards DS as i'm such a shouty mother and also I sometimes push him away when he's being rough with DD or he's hitting her head while she's trying to feed. and then he ends up crying and I have 2 crying babies on hand.

Anybody else struggling like I am?? I just feel like I'm not cut out to be a mother. And not everybody is I guess.

Everyone struggles Choceyes. I'm sure you're doing great, even if it doesn't feel like it. It must be very hard when you have a baby who needs near constant physical attention and a toddler who needs more mental engagement. But you're all still alive. You're making it through. The kids are growing and developing. That is real achievement. You have a little bit longer to go with this stage but it will pass, they'll get older, the little one will eventually not need bfing. The older one will start to relish showing his sister a few things (and bossing her around no doubt ). You need to hang in a little longer.

I struggled with some of the baby stage, I loved them to pieces but I didn't enjoy the actual mothering. Now they're older and it's easier in some ways and harder in others, but I don't feel as at a loss as I did then. I think I just like older kids more (though I'm willing to reconsider at the teenage stage ).

Don't be too hard on your self. Young babies are exhausting and it can feel relentless. Where you can try to find ways to avoid or minimize the stuff that's less fun or causes too much stress. Is there anyway your DH can help a bit more with the getting ready on nursery mornings? Or is there a nursery you could try that's closer to home? Do you have a little spare cash that could pay for a mother's help a few hours a week to give you a little bit of breathing space? Maybe let you spend a bit more time enjoying your older child?

I wouldn't go back in July if you don't need to. Enjoy the summer having two parents looking after two children - it will feel like bliss. You can take turns to lie in, go to the park etc etc. You sound like you need a break and that is a great opportunity for one.

Lots and lots of women find the first year really hard, and it does get better. Just take it one day at a time. Make sure you are eating properly. And don't do anything that isn't absolutely essential (do minimal housework, no ironing etc etc). TV is really really helpful during this stage! Try DD on a cup (Tommy Tipee or similar) and do easy food that both of them can eat, so that you can tail off on the bf. Going out sounds like it will be harder work than staying in at the moment, but you could have friends round for a take-away, or just get a dvd etc, or just have a boring life for a bit in the knowledge that things will change.

I also wondered whether there was a nursery closer to home that DS could go to? Or if could you pay someone else to pick him up on the second day? Hanging around town for a whole day sounds horrid. Better to cut back to a morning of nursery and just spend the morning there.

Thanks for your replies!

I don't mind going back to work in July as i work in academia and there's hardly any work to do then, so basically it's just chilling and doing the odd bit of thing. If i was at home with DH and the kids, I'll get roped into childcare, whatever good intentions DH has of looking after both of them and I'd be struggling to get some me time, so I'd rather go to work and be paid for it! it'll only be 3 days a week and I am taking most of August off on holiday anyway so it's only a couple of weeks extra work.

Nursery is in Manchester city centre, so it's not so horrid spending the day there, but it is tiring. I'd rather stay at home some days but sometimes I occupy myself with shopping, so it's not too bad really (spending far too much money on clothes for DCs!).

it's the sheer relentlessness of it and not being able to switch off that gets me. Thanks for saying that it'll get easier, I really hope so.

Suchprospects - I also don't enjoying the mothering really, even though I love them to bits. I'm aslo looking forward to them being more grown up and more independant...I think I will enjoy them more so. I'm one of those people that don't really enjoy tiny babies. They are not very interesing!

Lots of mothers do say that, choc. And your job sounds fab - think i would go back too! Still wouldn't spend a whole day in the city centre though. Just go out with your dd, spend as much time as you want there, and then get your DS and head home. Silly to make yourself kill time if you don't need to.

I think it is sooo hard dealing with the sibling rivalry etc. I would get a few books on parenting to help you through - though if you are an academic you have probably done that already. My current favourites, fwiw, are Negotiation Generation (v good on boundaries), Playful Parenting (always gets quoted on mn), and there is one called Siblings without Rivalry, which I found helpful. A lot of them state the obvious but are still useful/reassuring. Kate Figes (I think) wrote Life After Birth, which is an interesting collection of women's experiences of motherhood. And there is also a book called something like Three Shoes, One Sock and No Hairbrush. It is written by a journalist who really struggled during the first year.

I just wanted to say that I found that stage hard. Dds are not so close together but the hardest bit was when dd1 was 3y and dd2 was 6 months. dd2 was waking through the night and also refused a bottle, at the same time dd1 droped her nap. I was tired, grumpy and stugling to do much. getting ready to go out seemed to tack so long.
But it did get better. I went back to work part time, earlier than planned, dd2 started to sleep more and dd1 finally got the hang of potty training after a year of trying.
Now dd1 is 4.5 and dd2 is about to turn 2 and it is so much better. I still get tired and fed up some times but I can also really enjoy being with my children.
Some things that helped me get through where getting as much adult comany as I could in the day. Be it toddler groups or just a freinds house. dd1 is also much happier/ lessdemanding when she has other children to play with.
We also spent a lot of time at a local soft play center as dd1 could go and play with out me for a bit. I could feed dd2 and if she fell asleep even get an undesturbed cup of tea. Oh and lots of Cbeebies

I really feel for you, it's a really hard stage. I found going from 1 to 2 incredibly hard. I barely remember the first year really, I just muddled through it. I remember thinking at one point that I wasn't meeting EITHER of my children's needs.

When you say you have no regular family help....are your parents around to maybe babysit for a couple of hours on the odd evening? I know it's hard when you're b/f but is it possible for you and dh to go out for a quick bite/drink between her feeds? It might make a difference and you can have a proper break with dh.

It really, really does get easier. My oldest dd is now nearly 10 (I've got 3 dds) and although I must admit I did quite like the baby stage, I'm enjoying them more and more as they get older. Not everyone likes the baby stage, don't be hard on yourself. Also, it's hard because your 2 are at v different stages. In a year or two they'll be eating the same things, going to bed at more or less the same time and it gets much easier.

Hi Choceyes - hope you are feeling better today. I have a similar age gap between mine and a lot of what you said struck a cord! I spent 2 days this weekend feeling ill, exhausted and weepy with an overwhelming feeling of "I honestly don't think I can do another day of this". I retreated to bed, got my DH to look after them both (except to bring the baby to me for a feed!) and just wallowed in my own misery - I felt a lot better after that!

On the whole, I like to think I am an organised and calm mum to them both, but bugger me, sometimes the sheer relentlessness really does get to you, doesn't it? When not on maternity leave I have a demanding job, but nothing compares to bringing up small children for making me shout and cry!!

Hi Choc,
Just wanted to say you are not on your own in feeling like this and you are certainly not a bad mum! There was just 12 months between my 2 and I found it sooo hard and I did even get a bit of help from my mum. My 2 are now 4 and 5 and I love spending time with them! When I look back I don't feel that I got any joy out of their baby years at all - I simply got through it - just!!!

I would say just try and do whatever you can to make things easier for yourself. The things that are the hardest to do are the ones which will really start to turn things around and it will take a lot of perseverance but will be easier in the long run. (Try to get baby to take a bottle so you can have a break with feeding and concentrate on trying to get her to sleep through and she'll have to get used to being put down - you must be exhausted!) I know this is easier said than done! Try and get a sitter every now to get some quality time with your DH. If baby doesn't sleep well - go out for an afternoon drink together instead of in the evening?

Going back to work will probably do you good too. Stick with it - it will get easier - promise! Good luck!

When I think I've had a crap day I sometimes try and reflect and remember at least 1 or 2 good things that happened- things that me or the DDs did well. Eg today I managed bathtime on my own without tears from either of them, I secretly watched DD1 pretending to fall over over and over again just to make DD2 laugh - great big belly laughs too! Helps me forget about things like the massive pile of washing I forgot to do or the fact that DD1 peed all over the bathroom floor and DD2 crawled right through it

DD1 is 2.5. DD2 is 6 months. I'm right there with you! Don't want to wish my life away but I am holding out for 6 months time when less relentless. Just considering finding some part time work before going back to my real job in October. I love my children But I am a bit tired (and bored...)

Thanks so much for the replies!

I'm glad to know that it's not just me.

I'm finding DS who is 2.5yrs very hard going really. He is constantly harressing his sister and tries to climb on me at evey given opputunity, mostly when I'm trying to feed DD. Mealtimes are a battle. He is constantly throwing food and cutlery around and sprinking water everywhere. I did BLW with him and I'm not used to telling him how much to eat, but without me cajoling him he doesn't hav e the patience to sit and eat beyond a couple of spoonfuls. I'm always shouting at him and it makes me feel so bad, and I know I'm doing wrong, but the frustration always gets the better of me.

Like Dancergirl I feel like I don't give either of them any quality time, and I really don't enjoy looking after them. Every sunday evening I feel a sense of dread as I know that I have to look after them myself for most of the week.

To make things harder, 3 of my closest and TBH my only friends around here have all moved away from the area in the last year, so I feel pretty much isolated and alone. I do go to toddler groups etc, but it's hard to have a conversation with someone when there are 2 littlies demanding your attention.

Hi, how you getting on? I read this when you first posted but didn't have time to reply as have 2 little ones myself!

It's so hard isn't it but it does get easier. I think what helped me was learning to chose my battles. I think my expectations of how my children should behave was too high so I was constantly getting upset about things they did. Eventually I realised that thats just what they do! (sprinking water etc). I found that it helped me to realise this and to focus just on the things that were more urgent (no fingers in sockets and things like that!)

Sorry if this is no help. At least you will get a break when you go back to work in the summer. I don't have that option but I am still here struggling and things are still getting better. Just had a really good week so hoping things are on the up.

I'm in the same place as you atm. I posted on here a few weeks back because i was desperate and miserable. it gets better and better though. I found just knowing that other mothers struggle too a comfort. Someone on here described going from 1-2 children, like going from role playing mommy to extreme white knuckle parenting - for me this description summed it up perfectly.
i find it hard to cope being unable to give dc1 a much attention as i used to, and unable to give dc2 a much attention as i gave dc1. It can feel that i'm not giving either child enough.
Anyway my point is you are not alone and IMO in the long run i feel that having a sibling to share your childhood with far outweighs the 12months or so that your parents werent quite at their best when juggling 2 young children(I hope).

I just saw this and thought I'd share a bit. I have 2 with only 15months apart. Have been through and am still going through what you are. I'm lucky in that i have a nanny/homehelp but they still stick to me. When I felt desperate, I read a book called 'unconditional parenting' which sort of explained things from a child's point of view and tried a few techniques. I even mentioned one of them before on one of the forums here but don't think people really bought it. Anyway, that was close to a year now and I can confirm that it did help and is helping. My older child (now 2y 8m) keeps going through different phases of wanting attention including regression in potty training just to get attention (I do a lot of nappy free time). Also multiple tantrums etc- all that one would expect incl hitting her sister (now 16m). Through it all, besides losing it every so often like most of us do, I generally hold and hug at the most stressful point. So instead of punishing/yelling at dd1 when she, say, hits dd2, I actually hold her and hug her and explain that its aw-ee for dd2 and instead she should stroke her, then hold her hand and stroke the other child's head or rub away the 'aw-ee' bit and hug them both. I find that it also calms me down. The child that attacks usually does so because of frustration etc and by letting them know that they still count and in fact teaching them to love and kiss and care for the other child really helps. I used to breastfeed and sit my other child next to me and read to her so that both are getting my attention. Not many people buy this but it felt natural to me and now, 16 months later, I can say that it has worked brilliantly for me- my 2 still fight a lot but they also actively kiss and hug each other all the time. And I don't feel quite so evil for losing it with them once in a while. Hope this helps.

I could've wrote this. All of it. I see its a very old post 7 years. So I'm hoping you see this and tell me it got a whole lot better cos I'm at the end of my tether so to know its not forever would be amazing

I’m so glad you’ve recently commented on this Lele! I’m also really struggling at the moment. I would love to hear if it did get easier for original poster as it’s all too much at the mo!