How do I get my husband not to yell at dd?

[milkysmum]

DD has just turned 2. DH is generally a very caring hands on dad but recently he seems to lose his cool and yell at dd which makes me very upset. An example is dd saying 'want' and pointing to the fridge. She has a good use of language but for some reason when you ask 'what do you want' she just repeats back over and over again 'want'. If my dh is in the kitchen with her he loses his cool really quickly and yells at her to say what she wants (which of course goes nowhere and just results in everyone getting upset). He thinks that shouting makes her see he is the boss so to speak. when I challenge the yelling it seems to add fuel to it and I get yelled at aswell for being 'too soft'. I do have a fairley laid back attitude and certainly to not agree with yelling and screaming at small children How can we make our differing parenting styles work in our home.

Everytime he yells, remove her from the room and ignore him for 3 hours. He'll soon learn not to do it.

Not so sure this would work- he'd probably be glad of the peace and quiet!!!

He's going to put her off trying out her language skills if he yells at her. he could offer her things from the fridge and say 'do you want a yogurt?' or whatever, until she says yes, then repeat something about it 'here's your yogurt' etc. just reinforcing the idea of specifying and encouraging her vocab.

She's very young to be expected to get everything right.

As for wanting to be the boss of a two year old - that's no great accomplishment - he's bigger stronger and louder than she is. He won't earn her respect by shouting, he'll earn it by being patient and kind and explaining things to her, - which I'm sure he's quite capable of doing, and I appreciate that toddlers can be frustrating at times

sounds like your dh needs educating in the ways of toddlers,maybe leave some books around that are written from fathers perspective,you learn what you live,maybe your dh was brought up being shouted at???

Your DH sounds like a control freak. The repeating thing is just part of her development and understanding. He doesn't sound very hands on or caring IMO.

it sounds like your DH is tired and can have a short fuse, thats completely normal and lots of parents end up shouting even at little kids. But if its upsetting you, you need to tackle it with him, but maybe not at the time when it happens as thats when he will be very raw.
Why not raise it one evening in bed after your dd has gone to sleep and its been a good day - like a day when he hasn't shouted. Try saying to him that you know he is a really good dad but it really upsets you when he raises his voice. Try and discuss what it is that is the trigger for him shouting and whether there could be other ways he could deal with his frustration that wouldn't result in shouting that upsets you and probably your DD.
If the issue is particularly about the fridge maybe you could discuss together - calmly when dd is in bed - how you could both work on solutions to get dd to use her language. By talking it through as a team it will sound less judgemental and he may come up with solutions himself. I'm sure he doesn't feel good about himself when he's shouting.
If he thinks you are too soft maybe you could also ask him for some ideas as to where you could "improve' your parenting. Come up with solutions together and then support each other in implementing them.

Have you thought about posting this in the Dadsnet section and trying to get a male perspective on this?

Hi there

This sounds like something I went through with my DH. He thought that shouting would get results but couldnt understand why DS never did as he was told. It ended in a big bust up with him saying he never does anything he tells him to do and he does when I ask him. I told him to look at the way I spoke to him (firm but calm) and does that not prove to him that by talking I am getting results and by shouting he is not. It finally sunk in with him that my way was better and he now no longer shouts like he used to and does the firm talking way. Perhaps you could point out to your DH that the shouting is obviously not working so why do it - no one wins.

Thanks for all your comments. He IS very hands on and caring but yes get's frustrated especially when tired like monkray noted. I think leaving some books from a fathers perspective around is a good idea and will give that a go as well as trying to ask for some tips on how to 'improve' my own skills may seem far less like I am just ctritisising his.

Hiya - went thru similar phase here. Just spoke to DH after the fact and calmly. Told him how he is usually the more grounded one etc and he would never talk to anyone else the way he speaks to the children. Like Staineshunt he also saw that I got better results esp with DS2 who just digs his heels in if confronted. We are all human and will at times raise our voices or react in a way that is not normal for us. I think if there is a particular issue like the fridge thing then as the 'adult in the situation' (which we often have to be reminded of!) he has to see that the way he is dealing with it is not working and he has to be the one to change it.

Put DH on the naughty step. One minute for every year of his life.

You could try leaving a copy of How to Talk so kidz will listen... around. Great book that may give him a different approach to try.