lost my temper. smacked dd. i need help, please

[crapness]

dd (4) has always been extremely hard work.she is stubborn, demanding, and throws the most godawful tantrums which can go on for hours. She has been particularly difficult in the last few weeks. Any time I have to say no to her, the screaming begins, and she goes on and on. It is like torture.

This morning she started again, over getting dressed for nursery. She was writhing away from me, screaming, shouting, refusing to put her clothes on.I was genuinely trying my absolute best to ignore her behaviour, just kept talking normally to her, not raising my voice, not showing I was annoyed.

She eventually got her jeans on but refused her top. I kept getting on with other things, all the while to the sound of her tantrum. We were running very late (my fault) and we had to get going.

I just suddenly lost it. Completely. I smacked her, and grabbed her,and forcibly dressed her.She was hysterical. I was hysterical. Her tantrum over getting ready turned into crying because I'd hit her. She was scared of me. I can't get her face out of my mind.

I got her into nursery and talked to her really calmly before she went in. I apologised for smacking her but said I couldn't put up with her behaviour any more. I tried saying she was too big a girl to throw tantrums like that all the time. I told her how much I loved her, she was my only girl and so special (I have 2 ds's,she is the middle child) but her screaming and shouting made me feel so sad and cross.

She just looked so sad. I want to go and get her.

I need help. I cannot let myself lose my temper like that ever again, but I am terrified that I will. She pushes me and pushes me and I suddenly snapped this morning. I didn't even realise I was going to snap until it was over. I was in a pure rage.

sorry for the long post. I just need to get it out. Any advice would be really appreciated. Have name changed as I am so ashamed. How can I turn this around?

I am sure you are looking for advice to get over this, but I just wanted to say, you are not alone and I too have had the odd moment like this. Your dd will still love you, and you will get past this.

I am going to get absolutely flamed for saying this, but maybe you got the message across to her today? We all loose control at some point, and whilst its not ideal, its human nature.

If you apologised for smaking her, but at the same time reinforced that she can not behave in this manner, I am sure she will forgive and forget.

The only advice I can offer is to walk away from her and go and sit outside for 5 mins, or alternativly take her to nursery in her PJs if she does not get ready next time........I threatened to do that to dd on a number of occaisions and she soon got ready!

Not sure I have offered much help, but try not to beat yourself up, and remember you are only human x

Other than the smack you sound like you handled it fine
No real advice as I am often in the same boat although my DS has got better as he;s got older - 12/18 months ago I was in this position.
I assume she can dress herself? Have you tried saying "Here are your clothes, I will be back in 5 minutes and if you're not dressed then I will dress you"?
Works sometimes on DS

We're nit having the same level of problems with DS who's 2.5 but similar style. We're trying a combo of naughty chair (with only one warning) and. Star chart when he cooperates on certain tasks.

When I threaten the naughty chair in my "serious" voice it works but it's been hard work getting there and I am so tired if having to constantly threaten.

That's why we're trying to use the star chart to encourage co-operation without threats.

But I know DS is a fair bit younger than your daughter and he's been a bit thrown by me having an operation and him having to go to nursery more so can't vouch for whether would work for you and your daugter. Others who've been thru it with a four year old might be able to help more.

I wish I had just smacked my DS (nrly 4) yesterday, would have been better than the torent of abuse I gave him verbally.

Thats the way I seem to loose my temper, ranting on and on and saying things like, your 'nasty' to your sister, your being a 'horrible' boy. I sound like my parents .

Have never smaked them but sometimes think it's what you say that can be worse .

thanks for replying.

The thing is, she's always been like this. I feel like no matter what I do, she's never happy. I wonder if it's something to do with being the middle child. She adores her big brother but her wee one drives her nuts! I try to give her treats, to reward her good behaviour - I've been telling her all week that I'm taking her out on her own on Saturday for a special day, just the girls, which she seemed really happy about...

My dh is in the forces and lives away during the week so that's tough on everyone too.

Sorry to hear what happened with your daughter. It sounds like this left you and her feeling unhappy and sad.

I am sure you are not the first parent and will not be the last to lose your temper with your child. I have lost my temper in this way with both of my kids. I know I found it very frightening and so did they.

Perhaps when she comes back from nursery talk to her about what happened. Ask her how she felt about it, try not to lead her but see what she says and ask why she thinks you were so cross. Apologise to her and explain what you were feeling and WHY. It is ok for children to see people lose their temper and it is helpful for her to understand why that would be so. But also explain that you feel bad about doing this too. This is what I did with my kids when I have lost it with them. You may be suprised by how aware she is.

It may be worth considering ways of you dealing with your DD as it sounds like you have had long standing issues with her behaviour. It may sound silly but have you thought about focusing more about what she does do well. Giving her little tasks that she can achieve and you can reward her for. It may be that developmentally things are changing for her too, as you say that she has been awkward for the last few weeks.

You cannot change what happened this morning so don't beat yourself up about it. But change how you deal with it when you see her and try to build in strategies for dealing with this situation again in future.

sorry xposted!

Oh you poor thing, you must be feeling awful. If it was me, I would take some time after nursery to speak with her about it again in a calm manner then have a cuddle and move on. I think the girls day on Saturday sounds great - is this something you can do on a regular basis? Might help if you can regularly have positive time together? If this is the first time though, maybe don't plan anything too adventurous? Hope your day improves, x

You poor thing, I know exactly how you feel, I lost it with DS last week and smacked him! I never smack and I was so shocked and angry with myself. The reason I don't smack is because a, its wrong and b, even though the kids have done wrong, it is me who ends up apologising to them, and feeling awful.

Your dd will have forgotten all about it when she gets home from nursery. The mornings are hard, I know they are in my house. Breakfasts, lumchboxes, everyone dressed, bookbags etc etc etc. I loose my cool easily as I am stressed. Just take a deep breath and get a packet of stickers...works a treat in my house....when I can find them in the mornings lol!

What you did wasn't that bad, so don't make too big a deal over it. If she's literally tantruming for hours then that's not tolerable. If it were me, at the risk of sounding harsh then I'd probably rather have her be afraid of me sometimes than continue in that situation. She must be creating a horrible environment for your other children as well as yourself. Of course losing control is never right, but nor is it the end of the world in this instance.

yes, she does create a horrible environment. My boys are generally happy, the oldest is really pretty well behaved and my 2 year old is a cheery wee thing - but I've noticed him imitating her behaviour recently....

I'm going to see what kind of mood she's in when I collect her and decide then whether to bring it up with her again. She may well come and apologise; she can be good at that. I dont' want to remind her of this morning's horror if she's over it already, but if she is still sad I'll talk to her about it and what we can do to make things better.

I'm going to start with a sticker chart too, just for her.

Thanks for all your responses. I know you're trying to make me feel less guilty for my actions, but honestly I was so out of control and that's so wrong. She won't learn anything good from my bad behaviour.

DH agrees with you, namechange - that she should be a little afraid of me sometimes if that's the alternative to horrendous tantrumming. I don't necessarily want that, but I do want her to realise that she isn't in charge.

I had this with my DD1, now 9 (and still bloody hard work!) when she was in Reception. One morning she was being difficult, rude and horrid about every single thing. I ended up shaking her hard by the shoulders and screaming in her face, then we were both crying. Complete meltdown. :( It will pass, she will forget, tomorrow is another day. Have a hug from me.

If I ever feel myself losing it with DS1, especially with the ongoing tantrumming/whining I give him a warning 'Please stop shouting DS or I will put you in your room' and I actually tell him that the shouting is giving me a headache. This is the only thing that works for me and DS if I am not feeling the most patient.

Tantrumming is naughty behaviour (over a certain age) IMO and I think it's OK to treat it as such.

Have you tried time out or the naughty step? Not only does it teach the child that the behaviour is undesireable but it also gives you a much needed time out too.

You know that smacking is wrong and ineffective and you feel bad enough already so try and forget about it but devise a strategy for the future so that you have a good coping mechanism. Time out can be really useful in these situations.

Crapness - sadly been there done that

At least you recognise it was wrong and to be honest I'd draw a line under it and try to move on - you can't undo it so 'if onlys' are a waste of time and you have enough to do with three kids!

Just think of all the times you've been exceptionally patient (with all of them) - unfortunately not many MNetters post about those days!

You're only human and I don't think it's done her any harm for her to realise that she'd pushed too far. You've both learned from this, so stop eating yourself up with guilt. You're not the only parent who's ever done this. xxx

Just echo what everyone else has said. I also have a difficult 4 year old and I've lost it with her on more than one occasion. Also, v v occasionally with my older 2 dds when they were much younger.

You haven't harmed her, she knows she overstepped the line and that Mummy is only human! You sound like a lovely, caring mummy and I'm sure she knows she is much loved.

Sometimes children can be bloody hard work and it would take a saint not to lose your temper sometimes.

Hi all

well, I picked her up and she is being a sweetheart. I checked with her teachers who said she was fine all day and she was so delighted to see me that my heart skipped a beat when I saw her huge smile. She's like a different child from this morning.

I mentioned it briefly - just said again that she was far too old to have tantrums - only babies have tantrums, not big girls who are starting school soon...she agreed...we'll see how long that lasts...! She said 'I didn't like it when you smacked me' and I replied that I didnt like smacking her either, but her behaviour had made me so cross that I had lost my temper and I was sorry. She's completely fine now so no lasting damage done, I hope.

It's bloody hard, this parenting lark. Thanks for all your messages of support. It's good to know I'm not alone.

I'm so pleased you're feeling better about things, i felt awful for you reading your original post. My mum snapped and smacked me once when i was little and she's ashamed to this day that she lost it with me. I never once questioned her love for me though and to me she's still the best mum in the world. When things are crap it's her i look to for a big hug and i know she'll always be there for me. You're only human and my guess is you'll never do it again so treat it as a lesson learned all aroud. Sorry i don't have any practical advice, but good luck.

crapness I have been there. I think most parents have if they will admit it.