Please help me not to be so down on my 3 year old ds

[eastendmummy]

I have 2 ds' - DS1 is 3 and DS2 is 1. I feel like I spend my day shouting at DS1 for everything he does and it's making me feel horrible, affecting my confidence as a parent and probably not helping the boys much either.

A bit of background, DS1 has severe speech delay, and probably has verbal dyspraxia although we have yet to get a formal diagnosis. He has very few clear words and after being at home full time with him for over 3 years, I am going mad with naming everything, doing colours and basically trying to read his mind so that I know what he wants. He's a happy, but very very cheeky boy who's favourite activities mainly centre around trying to squash or hit his baby brother. He's also very good at doing the total opposite of anything that is asked of him e.g. will not hold hands although we ask him to, says 'no' to any question, or request and just cries and cries if we want him to do something that he doesn't want to do.

I am just finding it so, so hard and by 10am most days I'm totally frazzled. I try to be calm with him but it's so hard as he isn't able to answer me or tell me how he feels. The added complication is that we've just moved to Asia, so we're all settling into a new way of life and things are different. His behaviour has been difficult for a long time though so don't think it's due to the move.

Perhaps I have really high standards, and I know I'm quite strict with him, but that's because I worry so much about him and can't give him too much freedom because he can't communicate with anyone other than me and DH. He cries A LOT when things go wrong and I find it has a really negative affect on me and makes me really cross.

On the flip side, he's really affectionate, loving and cheeky and I adore him.

Sorry, this is a ramble, but I suppose my question is, what can I do to help myself stay in control and stay positive in my approach to him. I can't carry on like this and I'm feeling so unhappy towards him that it's breaking my heart.

Do you notice when he's doing positive things? If not, then that's where you can help change things. Every time you see him playing nicely, being lovely to his brother, doing something you've asked him to, praise him up to the eyeballs about what a good boy he is. Pick your battles for when he's misbehaving, and then remove him from situations and give little attention until time out is over. 3 year olds ARE difficult, even ones without any difficulties, but keep the mantra "this too shall pass" in your head. That got me through years, and am using it on the nearly teenage triplets I have!

Definitely praise him a lot for positive stuff and it works - makes us both feel good, but it's been so little recently that the shouting has overtaken it. I just need a new way to interact with him that allows for his language issues. It's not always 100% obvious if he understands or not because it's as though he is determined that the answer to every question is no!

I am reassured by your comment that it is a phase and that most 3 year olds are hard work. I'd been so focussed on the terrible 2's that the 3's have been a shock! Hats off to your for raising triplets - wow!

I don't know how to say this without sounding mean. Please know that it is said in the spirit of constructive advice rather than an attack. You say that you know you're quite strict with him - what does that mean? Three is very little for you to be strict.

Would you say - in your heart of hearts - that you have always been quick to anger with DS1 and found it difficult to be patient with him even before his developmental problems became evident?

It is common in the early days to struggle to adjust to motherhood and find it isolating and boring, especially if your partner works long hours so you are essentially doing by yourself a lot of the time. And then of course if there was a long period before the diagnosis when you knew something was wrong but couldn't discover what, that is enormously stressful and frustrating. And now of course there is the on-going issue with the speech delay etc.

You're only human. When you're pregnant you imagine having a 'perfect' baby and that you will be a 'perfect' parent. It is a shock when the reality turns out to be very different to this, and it can become a vicious circle - the more you resent it not being fabulous and easy, the more you snap and shout and sulk.

It is possible that you're so frustrated by the gap between how you want motherhood to be and the reality of how it actually is plus his problems communicating, that you're taking it out on him.

Can I ask, do you have an easier relationship with DS2? This can happen for various reasons, for example: you were an experienced mother so probably found it easier to adjust to his arrival, he is NT so is less 'problematic', perhaps you had an easier birth?

What I'm saying is that if you have been more relaxed and easy with DS2, it is likely that DS1 has picked up on this. Sibling rivalry and the shock of displacement is always difficult for PFBs, but I can see that this may be hugely exacerbated in DS1's case. Basically, he thinks that you like his brother more. And there may perhaps be something in this. It is normal to be sometimes angry and frustrated with a maddening three year old, particularly if they have additional needs and particularly if you compare them with an angelic younger sibling who coos and looks cute in a babygrow and is meeting all the normal milestones .

I really think that you should read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk. It is a very practical guide to managing your relationship with your children and turning it from a negative to a positive one.

Wishing you all the very best.

Maybe it would help both you and DS1 if you were to find a nursery for a few mornings a week? It would give you some quality time with DS2 and a little rest and you could then maybe plan to do some nice activities with DS1 on the other mornings (like making Mr Maker things, spaghetti pictures is a nice thing to make at that age, you only need spaghetti, paper and PVA glue or building a castle with blocks or duplo, etc.). What might also help is to make an activity list, basically group different activities and types of play, list them all and then pick something from the list, or let DS1 pick something to play for 30 mins or longer if he wants. It would give more structure which may make it easier for you to cope.

It sounds like you might benefit from having a bit of a break from your DS1 during the week so that when you do spend time together you appreciate the time together and aren't just frustrated with each other.
You say that you can't give DS1 too much freedom because he can't communicate with anyone except you and DH, but babies can't communicate and you can still leave them with a childminder or a nanny or take them to a nursery. I used to work with 6 - 16 year olds who couldn't talk and we still managed to work out what they wanted (i didn't have any special training, just some common sense and guess work). It may take longer for someone else to get what your DS1 wants but they won't be unable to care for him.
So with that in mind is there a nursery near you, some countries have international schools and might have a nursery attached that DS1 could attend for maybe a day a week or a couple of mornings. The benefit of an international nursery is that many of the kids could have different languages from the nursery staff so they will probably all be finding alternative ways of communicating. You could help DS1 by sending him with a picture book that has pictures of all the things he might ask for or want to do (eg. drink, toilet, play outside).
Alternatively could you hire a nanny for a few hours a couple of mornings a week to take DS1 out, again just to allow you to have time apart from each other so you can appreciate your time together more. A nanny could also swap children and take DS2 sometimes so you could spend some quality time with DS1. Having someone else involved in DS1s care might also help give you an alternative perspective on his behaviour and some support.

Give yourself (and him) a break... A few hours at Nursery/CM each week where you can both recharge your batteries... All of you will benefit from this, including the baby...

Thank you all for the really constructive and helpful repsonses. Virginiabruce - your post hit the nail on the head and actually brought tears to my eyes. You are right - there is anger, disappointment and frustration bubbling away but it's not at him it's at his problems. I sometimes find that a hard distinction to make though.

When I say I'm strict it's about things like hitting his db, throwing toys and running off - they are things that I take seriously and I would find it difficult to just let him do without telling him no, giving a warning, then proceeding to time out if thr behaviour continues. I'm consistent but think i do shout too much which I'm really trying to change. Yesterday was a much better day as I just tried to let a lot more go and it helped.

It's all about recognising your weaknesses as a parent and trying to fix them isn't it? With the advice on here and other boards I'm not going to let it continue in the same vein as before.

We're going to get some childcare sorted so I have some time one to one with each of them which I know will make a big difference.

Thanks again

I have 2 boys the same age as yours and I have recently moved country. My DS1 doesn't have learning difficulties but he has behaved in almost exactly the same way you described. Quite rough with his brother and lots of shouting from everyone. It reassures me that it is just was a phase.

We have now been settled in our new place for about 2 months (we were in transit for about 2 months, living out of suitcases and in hotels, etc.). Now, DS1 goes to nursery 3 days a week, until 2.30pm. It has been a huge relief for all of us. He loves playing with other children although he doesn't always say he wants to go he has a great time when he is there. Initially he was awful when he came home, he wanted my complete attention. Play dates after nursery were not acceptable, he would be a horror.

Over the last couple of weeks everything suddenly became easier, he has begun eating again in the evenings, he is sleeping better and generally he just seems a lot happier.

I guess this message is meant to reassure you that it does get easier. It takes a while for them (and you) to settle and you add into that they are only 3 (which is sometimes easy to forget).

You could try a star chart - not really aimed at him. But the real aim is for you to find at least 10 things everyday to praise him and stick a star on. It dos help if you are stuck in a cycle of negativity.

However DO NOT beat yourself up, we all have bad days, weeks, months; and kids cope and grow up to be surprisingly well balanced.

Good luck!