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Parenting

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Original poster

Weekends and Grandparents time - how do you do it?

20 replies

mixedmamameansbusiness · 30/03/2011 12:58

I am beginning to feel that my DC spend most of the weekend with GPs - mostly because I feel under massive pressure to ensure everyone sees them and I cant lie at times it is nice to hae me time. However, it has become Sat with my parents (sometimes with me sometimes without) and Sun at the ILs from about 9.30 - 7.30. Sunday happens because we dont have the best relationship and I prefer to allow them their time with DC without me getting stressed but as DH works Sundays he drops them off and picks them up on the way home hence the long day.

I can see it is too much (I am home all week but DS1 is at school). I was wondering how everyone else splits this time if GPs live reasonably locally. I am back a uni in Sept and both sets are great at looking after when I need to study etc so I really appreciate it but just want to make it less constant.

Do you think it i unreasonable to say that we see one set of GPs per week, therefore they see the kids every other week?

I know it probably doesnt have to be so set in stone and rigid but I am a planner and probably slightly anal on organising my time.

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Zoidberg · 30/03/2011 14:17

Not unreasonable at all, I would go for alternate weeks (at most if it were me ). We have a very diff situation to yours but I think spending all weekend with GPs is way too much, wouldn't it be nice for you to do stuff as a family of 4 once a week?

CMOTdibbler · 30/03/2011 14:20

We see either set of gps no more often than every 6 weeks, and then only for a few hours. No way would I spend all weekend with them as we'd have no family time.

moogalicious · 30/03/2011 14:22

We see them every few weeks, when we have time. Or they might pop into ours for an hour. Otherwise we wouldn't get any time as a family!

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PorkChopSter · 30/03/2011 14:27

You need some family time, your family, no grandparents. How old are your children? How do they fit in birthday parties/swimming/clubs?

Original poster

mixedmamameansbusiness · 30/03/2011 14:33

Thanks everyone.

They are 5 and 3 (and 11 day but this doesnt effect DS3 jus yet).

DH works at the weekend so that srt of contributes as well so actual all 4(5) of stuff happens mostly in the hols.

I hve spoken to my parents and they are hapy to go with whatever works for us but DH family have a kind "God given right" attitude to bng GPs.

If they have parties then I just change the arrangements and they miss that week, I dont let it interfere with their social life although tbh that is onl just starting for DS1 really.

I might just start implementing it and see how we go. I have just always assumed everyone "had" to make weekly visits if you see what I mean but I see I am in the minority and that it wouldnt be odd to limit it a little more.

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trixie123 · 30/03/2011 19:24

I would perhaps try to avoid any arrangement becoming the absolute norm and expected - it makes it very difficult if you suddenly want to do something different on a day that is "theirs". It may go against your tendencies but more flexibility may be the thing - it also avoids too many easy comparisons about how much time each set of GP get.

Ragwort · 30/03/2011 19:26

I love Mumsnet - half the threads are complaining that their grandparents don't see enough of their grandchildren and half that they see too much .

Can't offer any constructive comments as my parents live much too far away for 'regular' visits and in-laws are dead. Good luck whatever you do .

Original poster

mixedmamameansbusiness · 30/03/2011 20:00

Hahah Ragwort. They are all brilliant really. I have always felt a little pushed into it all so just want to redress the balance a little now.

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pudding25 · 30/03/2011 21:41

Could they come over in the afternoon after school for a few hours if they live close by? That way, you wouldn't need to see them every weekend.

Hulababy · 30/03/2011 21:44

Our parents both live about an hour's drive away. We see each set approx once a month. Normally this is as a family, not just DD. Both sets also will also babysit DD, normally having her overnight on a Friday or Saturday - each one maybe onceevery two months. We often tie this in with a family visit the next day.

muslimah28 · 30/03/2011 21:51

cant u do both in one day? Then they see kids weekly but u have a day to yrselves too?

I go in the week to my mums and stay over, and come back via a trip to ILs. So my mum sees alot more of ds than the ILs but fortunately they havent complained yet...

monkoray · 30/03/2011 21:57

i think you would be perfectly justified in saying you need one weekend without grand parents at all, then one weekend with one set and the following one with other set. That way each couple of GPs gets to see the DGCs every three weeks. I would set it down as a routine because that will reassure the GPs that they will definitely see the DGPs and when they will see them.
It will be a shock to their system at first if they are used to seeing them every week (don't know how you have done that for so long). You will need to do lots of reassuring that its nothing they have done, its just that you feel you need more quality time with the children. But you definitely have the right to reclaim some of your kids time. They had their turn raising you and your DH.

kbaby · 31/03/2011 22:16

I live close by to both gp. We've always done Saturday overnight at my parents and then I join them for Sundays dinner with brother and sIl. My mil picks them up from school one day a week and does them tea etc.

This seems to work quite well for us as I get to have dinner with the family or if we have parties etc we just leave early and they look forward to their special tea once a week with mil

AngelDog · 31/03/2011 23:38

Ours are both about an hours' drive away. We see them about once a month for between roughly 2 and 5 hours at once.

I agree with trixie - our experience shows that once you have a pattern, it's seen as set in stone and impossible to change. If you keep everyone on their toes by being more varied, it's easier for everyone to be flexible.

Whelk · 01/04/2011 09:59

I agree that it's way too much. It must be quite unsettling for the dcs.

They are your children and if you don't make the decision to change it then that is how it will carry on.

I think you should work out what you and the dcs want and then go from there.

It sounds harsh but the grandparents have had their own children, and this is your time to spend as a family. The grandparents will still see their grandchildren quite a bit so you are not being unreasonable.

When I realised that it was up to me, I managed to change the amount of expectation from grandparents and we are much happier as a family because of it. We still see the grandparents every few weeks, but we have so much more fun as a family of 4 with days out, swimming, dancing classes, trips to the seaside, seeing friends.

Original poster

mixedmamameansbusiness · 01/04/2011 12:15

It stemmed from DS1 when ILs were very overpowering and I was sort of stumped by how to deal with it all and just let it happen then felt compelled to make sure my parents had the same time, it was really hard to get out of this after a while.

Thanks for all the advice I am going to start cutting it back a littlestarting this weekend. My parents are coming to me and DS1 has a party so they will help me out by looking after DS2 and then Sunday is Mothers Day which means I will keep the boys at home so they will see ILs next weekend. I will see how this arrangement goes.

I saw my paternal GPS every weekend and stayed there every weekend so I found it a little difficult to see where "normal" might be for us.

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Original poster

mixedmamameansbusiness · 01/04/2011 12:16

Whelk - I dont think the boys are unsettled though, they seem to enjoy it, although it is DS1 starting to say he doesnt see us enough now he is at school that has got me thinking about it. I may be a SAHM now but the majority of the day he isnt here.

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2rebecca · 01/04/2011 22:43

Both sets of grandparents lived some distance away and my grandparents were always a 3hour trip from us as kids so I find the way some people live in their parents lap as adults odd.
Seeing either set of parents every 4-8 weeks or so is plenty for me. Have always had sporting hobbies and only got 13 weeks mat leave each pregnancy so weekends are precious and no desire to spend them all visiting and being visited.
Some people enjoy that sort of thing though.
I suspect if my parents lived nearer I'd have seen them more when kids small, but not every week. I like my space.

cherrychoo · 01/04/2011 22:47

hmm easy, none of the grandparents are interested in ds, so we get to keep him all day every day of the year, year in year out with no outside interference what so ever.

poor ds

cherrychoo · 01/04/2011 22:47

btw, both sets live 10 minutes away from us.

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