How oh how do you deal with whingeing in a toddler? Please share your secrets!

[benelf]

DD1 is a lovely little girl.

She'll be 3 in August, she's been able to speak fluently for aaaaaages, there is absolutely no issue in terms of language barrier.

She's a great little girl, very loving, full of energy. She doesn't hit or bite, she's kind to other children, good with her little sister. I realise I'm lucky with her in a lot of areas.

BUT, she really, really WHINES! We're coming out of the tantrum stage but she just whines and whines and whines at me all day if she doesn't get her own way. I used to spend a lot of enery cajoling out of it but I'm afraid her sister has me so sleep deprived recently I've started snapping at her.

Has anyone got any tips on the best way to deal with this? It'll go something like this

"get me milk in my green tommee tippee bottle mummy"

"you need to say please and I'm just feeding your sister so I can't get it right now"

"get me my miiiiiiiilk. pleeeeeeeeeeeeease"

"yes, let me just finish this"

"get me milk now!!!!!!! Milk in my green tommee tippee bottle!!!!"

etc etc

Oh we are right in the middle of whines with 2.5 DS. it's so annoying when they're completely capable of asking nicely.

I'm afraid to say that I'm taking a hard line and responding with a reminder that he won't get what he wants til he asks nicely. But we're also using a star chart for when he says "please may I...?".

If the whining gets too much I walk away because otherwise I'll just get wound up and that's not going to help anyone. Additionally he sometimes flaps his arms in frustration which is actually hilarious but he's a bit of a class clown at nursery so I have to walk away if I'm going to laugh as I don't want to encourage it.

Don't know if this helps? I think consistency and being calm are key but we're not out if this phase completely yet so others may have tried and tested advice.

"Sorry darling. I can't understand you when you talk in a whiny voice. Ask me again in a nice voice"

I say the same as Fantastic. 'Ask me in a normal voice'

Thanks both.

Fantasticday, I do tell her to ask me properly. I think the problem is she has no concept of waiting - she wants stuff now! So if she then asks nicely and it doesn't hapen right away she goes bonkers again.

Hmmmm..never quite crystallised that thought actually. I need to work on ways to make her wait for things...

Ear Defenders. They sell 'em in B&Q and they reduce the whinge noise level to one that is less grating on the eardrums .

The only thing that I have ever found that works most of the time is to say ONCE "I will listen to you when you can speak to me in a normal voice" and then completely and utterly ignore (or at least give the impression of ignoring, inside you will be screaming and ready to throw things - I am, anyway!) all the whinging.

Don't engage on any level whatsoever. Don't repeat what you've said, don't give much in the way of eye contact or acknowledgement that she is still going on.

Just blithely carry on doing what you're doing, chat to the baby/cat/dog/radio DJ and don't let her see in the slightest that it's getting to you.

The second she stops whinging and uses a normal voice be really OTT in praising her nice voice and do whatever it is she's asking.

It is hard but as soon as she realises that she will get zero attention by whinging at you then it will reduce. However, it does need to be ZERO attention because if she learns that she only has to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on then you will eventually snap then you're fighting a losing battle.

She's doing it a lot at the moment because she knows it gets lots of attention from you, either cajoling or snapping - attention is attention to a 3yo regardless of whether it's positive or negative - so if you remove the attention then she has no motivation to do it but plenty of motivation to talk nicely.

Ooh, olihan, that's great advice, thank you.

I think you're spot on actually. I'm vv strict on TV, and DD isn't. She doesn't whine for TV with me, because she knows she'll only be allowed it when I've decided, and not when she cracks me by whingeing. DH, on the other hand, is a different story because he gives in very quickly.

Children learn how to spot the weak link in a parental team. DH and I are exactly the sane as you described. Sometimes I get tired at bring the bad guy but I think it's a result of me bring home more than DH.

Definitely Doodle. When you're the one dealing with them day in, day out you have to be much stricter or you're stuffed .

had the same thing with DS
I imitated the voice he was using so he could hear it, and then said, no whingeing voice please. We had a bit of a laugh about it
It's comical now if he starts to whinge, and I say "no whingey voice please" he realises immediately and changes the tone of his voice!

I also try not to tolerate whiny voice and say speak in a nice voice, I can't understand you, say it with a smile etc.

Can you encourage patience by reminding her that it is part of being a good sister? Distraction also, I can't get your bottle right now but shall we read or do some sticking etc till I'm free etc.

also on a separate note, tho may not work for all, a few months ago I was telling DD not to do something and DH stepped in and said mummy says no etc. I later thanked him for backing me up, that lots of dads are rubbish and let kids get away with too much, and that it's important that DD doesn't get mixed messages. Ever since he has been really good about discipline with DD, sticking to his guns, encouraging good manners etc. It's great!

My ds is the same, it's so annoying! I try to ask him if he wants anything before I feed his sister. He likes to ask for things when I am feeding though. I also do the ask properly thing. Am grumpy a lot too!