going through hell with my 20 month old

[whowhatwhere]

DS, 20 months, was an easy baby - he had a great temperament, he was usually placid and sweet.

He has been relatively slow with his crawling and walking so it's only been in the past couple of months that he has felt confident moving on his feet without props or at speed or at length. I always knew that when he was properly walking he would be a handful and quite...'spirited' because he has been restless and interested in everything since he was very young.

Anyway, he's not just 'spirited', he's having major temper tantrums already! He's my PFB so was expecting this around 2 or so but not so suddenly and full-on. He screams and cries and stamps his feet if he isn't allowed something or is being made to do something he doesn't want to do (e.g, getting changed!). He goes limp in your arms to slide out of them and just lies on the floor crying. He lashes out with his arms and hits you or throws things. He just basically behaves like a monster if he doesn't get his own way.

I find myself either not reacting through sheer exhaustion/lack of patience and being more or less silent (except for a half-hearted "Come on X...") but firmly carrying on with changing him or whatever, or - I hate to admit - I have raised my voice at him more than once. Not in a positive, firm manner, but not shouting either. This makes me feel like I've lost control and disproportionately guilty but after a long day at work, sometimes i just can't hack it. How am I supposed to react to temper tantrums like that? I can't reason with him. If I pander to his mood and coax him or let him mess around to appease him, it takes 10 minutes to put a pair of trousers on him.

He's also just whining all the time unless completely occupied with something. I guess he's just whining for my attention or because he can't articulate what he wants (his vocabulary is limited to largely useless things at the moment..great) but it feels like he is moaning allllll day long sometimes and some moment I wonder why I looked forward to time off work with him at all.

Just some advice on dealing with temper tantrums at this age and some reassurance that this passes would help right now :)

Welcome to the terrible 2s :o
DD is just starting oin them now - at 18m
I'm sure it does pass - DS is 4 and mostly over it now, I think with him it was at a peak just before 2 and a half (but he was a late talker, and that coincided with us having DD) - he has been fine for quite a while now.
I'm just going to shut my eyes and wake when DD is at school

DD2 (21 months) is also quite frustrated at the moment, she does the shouting at us thing a lot, raising her arms when held so that she slides down and wants NO help with anything...but then gets frustrated when she can't do things herself and shouts. My theory is that they are frustrated because though they understand a lot of what we say they can't talk yet so can't communicate as well as they want to. Also there is a lot of frustration at not being able to do stuff themselves. It gets better when they can communicate better and when they can do more things by themselves.

Not much advice as to how to handle it, I do a combination of shouting, ignoring the shouting, telling her not to shout, offering help only to be shouted at, forcing her to do stuff only to be shouted at, or the sometimes successful distraction (at least they are still young enough to...oh look a shiny toy).

She's not that bad really, unless she's ill or teething in which case I just want to give her back!