Should you really care what other people think

[Janmad]

I'm quite new to mumsnet and find the message boards really helpful, but I wanted to ask why we spend so much time worrying about what other people will think of how we bring our children up. When I was in hospital having my DD every m/w told me to breast feed and I did, I tried it and it didnt suit, so I went on to bottles after 5 days, but I was so worried what the m/w would say when she visited that I almost didnt tell her! DD has been very happy and content on bottles for the last 6 months.
I also decided that after watching her thrashing around in her cot at night I would try her with a dummy and it worked wonders. But many mums feel the dummy should be discarded asap. My DD sits happily on the sofa playing with her toys, sometimes she has a dummy and sometimes not. Its no extra work for me and she is happy. I honestly think that people are embarressed to let people see their child with a dummy and certainly after a year or two, even if they have it just for bedtimes, what harm can it do, they will grow out of eventually, its not as if they will go to the office with a dummy in their mouth!! So you take it away from them before they are ready because you dont want to say they still have a dummy. I know I probably sound like a maniac but if you love and care for your child, they are happy and that makes you happy, who cares what the next person thinks!

Things like breastfeeding, dummies etc are personal choice, so I don't think it should matter what other people think, no. It should only matter with the big things - IMO, things like smoking over babies, your child being a bully and you do nothing - that sort of thing.

Of course, smoking etc are a completely different kettle of fish, but I think there is so much pressure to do what other people consider the correct way to do things, just because you give jars of dinner instead of making your own doesnt mean you love your child any less.

No. And I don't, personally.

Make your own?

Well I think dummies look horrible after the age of about 18 months and how on earth is the poor child expected to speak? But you dont care what I think

Janmad, not everyone has the confidence as a new mum to make their own decisions. When I first had dd, I wasn't very close to my family and felt shy around dh's family, so I really had no-one to talk to about the baby. None of my friends had babies and I really did feel very frightened and alone. I didn't have a clue what to do with her. I made many tearful phone calls to the NCT breastfeeding helpline, I was always first in the baby clinic every week with a new problem! I didn't have a clue about routines, or what time to put her to bed, should she have a dummy? Should she have a comforter? Does she sleep with us? When does she go into a cot?

I found Mumsnet when she was around 6 months old and how I wished I could have discovered it sooner! It's an advice forum and I really appreciated (still do) the advice on here from mums who had more experience than I did, from those who had suffered similar problems, even from midwives and breastfeeding counsellors who were on here, being mums themselves!

You are right that we should be confident enough to make our own decisions, and not care what other people think. But I still care what others think, I still sometimes struggle making decisions on my own.

That's why we are all here.

I sound like a complete cow,(blush) I do like to read other peoples experiences and I think knowing something has not worked for others is so useful, but I still think there is enormous pressure on us to be super mums, which is impossible for me anyway.... I am writing this in my PJ's! and still have washing up in the sink!!!!

By writing this, does that not mean that you do care what people think ? And sometimes you don't like what they think as its different to what you think?

Who and what defines a supermum? Aren't we all supermums for simply surviving? .

I'm supermum even though my dd had smarties for breakfast this morning and still had a bottle at two. But she is also a beautiful happy clever loveable little girl who behaves wonderfully sometimes, and other times i threaten to throw her out with the dustman.

We don't necessarily worry about how other people think we simply are interested in how people differ-hence all the reality tv. This boards gives a lot of reassurance to those who would otherwise be scolded by health visitors and relatives who know best. This site also educates those who don't know why things shouldn't be done - e.g i learnt about the terrifying ingredients in cordials that i used to merrily give dd to drink.

Thanks Hattie05 I think that pretty much sums up how I feel! Yes I care but still want to feel that if I do something thats different, well thats ok too!

I hope they were organic Smarties Hattie05!

There's so much pressure to do everything right. I didn't get on with breastfeeding and gave up after 10 days but I get a guilt trip every time I see someone/hear about doing it and it makes me feel inadequate. Even formula tubs promote "breastfeeding is best" - which seems strange to me.

Guilt is part of motherhood, you kinda get used to it after a while!

I used to feel guilty hearing dh's s-i-l go on about how she grows her own veg, she wouldn't buy anything that wasn't organic, her kids went to ballet classes etc, they drank only bottled water, etc etc. But then I just figured that I loved my kids just as much and just because I couldn't do the things she did with hers, didn't mean I was any less of a mother. I do my best and that's all anyone can do.

RRB - Tap water is better for children than bottled water anyway! Bottled has too many minerals in and tap usually has added fluoride so you are one up there anyway

janmad, no I dont really care what people think
as long as kids are well fed, happy and clean that is all that matters

I'm quite comforted by the last few messages, I have a family member who only gives her DC plum tomatos OFF the vine... ha ha ha I can only try my best, love her as much as I can and hope she is happy and content.

RRW, no they weren't organic, but i find they give her the energy she needs to get through the day

No. I tend not to give a damm. I'm the sort of person who thinks long and hrad about my decisions way in advance. (Am currently thinking about schooling - and I only have a two year old lol!). I ask people for advice and opinions, listen carefully to a range of views and then make my decision. Once I have made my decision, then I am happy with it, then I don't care what others think. I just smile sweetly and ignore them, carrying on my own sweet way! I know the reasons why I chose what I chose for my DD and I am happy with that. That doesn't mean to say that I'm right and everyone else is wrong because each child is unique and what's right for one child may be completely wrong for another...so I agree, make your own decisions and once made, ignore everyone else, otherwise I think you end up pleasing everyone else, so that in the end its you and your child that suffers!!