I think I might have asperger's

[Lambskin]

Feeling a bit weird about this and this has come as a gradual shock - if that makes any sense, so please bear with me.

I'm 40 and am currently going through the assessment for a dx of AS for my 6 yr old ds. This has meant I have been doing a lot of research into the subject. It all seems to be slotting into place and making complete sense for ME as well as for him. I had never encountered AS before my ds.

I have always found social situations ... how can I explain? Paralysing, mortifying, I feel physically sick. I can't give eye contact, well I try because I know other people do, but I just can't hold it. I hated school, was bullied, just wanted to be myself and read (still do).

I can't hold down a job; I have a degree and a teaching qualification but the interacting with other members of staff and observations made me ill. I now stay at home (I'm married and my husband works) and the thought of working again fills me with dread.

I don't know what I'm asking or saying, but has anyone else been in this position? I've talked to my dh about it a bit and he thinks it's highly probable I've got AS too. It answers so many questions about my shit life; depression etc but I don't know what to do next. I don't want the next 40 years to be as hard as the last.

Sorry it's so long and rambling and thank you for reading if you've got this far.

Lambskin, I cant really help but want to wish you well. If it turns out that you are correct, the diagnosis may be the best thing to happen to you. It will give you an explanation for how things are, and may also be the start of a path to finding ways of dealing with it effectively. There may be a whole new world out there for you, i hope so. Best wishes.

Thank you notsweatingthesmallstuff, I know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, and in many ways it would be a good thing because it would explain so much. I really appreciate your kind words.

Lambskin, you sound like me 4 years ago (coincidently when I was 40!). DS was diagnosed at the age of 5. It hit me when the paed was going through the diagnosis, that this was me too! After 4 months of thinking/stressing about it, I went for a diagnosis and was diagnosed formally, 8 months later. Because I live in Cambs, there is a centre of expertise for diagnosis of adults in Cambridge, available under the NHS. The Dr referred me to that centre.

I CAN tell you that for me, getting the diagnosis was definitely the right thing to do! It has done wonders for my self-esteem, and I've also found others like me (some of us on MN), and that is also liberating. Occasionally people react in a negative way, but mostly its helpful.

There is a website called Wrong Planet, and it helped me to join up there and talk to people, particularly adults who had just been diagnosed - it helped me make up my mind that a dx was helpful.

MaryBS, that has really cheered me up! I'm a bit undecided about going for a dx, it's been hard enough with my ds and he still may be a way off yet - the EP says not for another year! I'm concentrating on him for now but this has highlighted problems that I may now be able to find ways of tackling. My dh has a hard time of it.
Thank you for your positive post. I feel like I've made the first step and will have to do something about it eventually now that it's 'out there'.

Hi Lambskin, I'm another mum with a diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum. For me also the diagnosis was a marvellous relief.
Worth having a go at the online autism tests. Have a look for AQ Test and also for EQ SQ Tests and you should find the right ones. They are not diagnoses, but they can help people decide whether it's worth asking for one or not. With the AQ test, a score above 32 is a good indicator. With the EQ tests, a low score is also a good indicator, as is a high score on the SQ tests.

Even if you don't decide to go for a diagnosis (and these can be quite tricky to get on the NHS - many people end up paying for a private diagnosis), you can still benefit from finding out what works for you and what doesn't.

We were lucky in that DS was seen and diagnosed very quickly. One of the benefits of being a mum on the spectrum, is that I find I empathise very strongly with my son, and can often second-guess him or see instantly why he is behaving in a certain way. This has been a huge benefit to him in terms of learning behaviour, and also a benefit to the school, in that I can describe to them what the problems are, and give advice based on both personal experience of DS and my own experiences. Since disclosing my own diagnosis to them, they have been remarkably accepting of it, and there've been no repeats of communication problems I originally had with them.

Much sympathy to your DH, mine has the patience of a saint! :) On the other hand, when DS was diagnosed, and I said to him about me, he said that he found it reassuring as "I turned out alright" - I love him for saying that!

Amberlight I did actually try one of those a couple of years ago, I can't remember which one, and I did score quite highly but I pushed it to the back of my mind. I must have had suspicions for a while but having ds go through the assessment process and with his problems being so 'external', I've had to bring my own difficulties for the fore, and yes MaryBS I know what you mean about empathising with your ds. My mum was always telling me she didn't 'get' me. I 'get' him and can second guess what situations will be hard for him, especially relating to school.

Thank you both of you

I'll find those tests you suggest Amber and pay attention to what they tell me this time!
Our dhs must be pretty special mustn't they Mary? I'll show him this later

My mum is always coming out with comments like "you think and drive like a man". Or "you are so logical, I don't know where you get it from" :). Plus I have a degree in Maths, and she usually says she doesn't know where I get that from either! :o

Right just did the AQ test and got 41. Then did the EQ and scored poorly which I was actually surprised about. I had no idea I was that bad. Feel quite crap again now. Maybe I should sort myself out sooner rather than later. Have yet to do the SQ test but need to cook the dinner and think I have quite enough to think about thank you for now!

Don't get too upset - its understandable, its a lot to come to terms with. You probably AREN'T that bad, because you've learned coping mechanisms to get you through. I had someone the other day tell me that she's impressed with how well I empathise, as Aspies aren't supposed to be able to . What I didn't say in return is how crap she is at empathising with ME!

That's so true Mary! I am very empathetic; I get very upset on behalf of other people - I don't know what to say because I want to think of what I can do for them to solve it or make it better. I am very logical but my degree is in English. I know a lot of people don't like the analysis that's involved but that is always the bit I love; the pulling apart, examining the component parts that make up the whole - that's what makes it beautiful to me.

My dh has taken the AQ test and got 15. He's still struggling to understand all this. I think he thinks I'm trying to fit into it rather than the other way round. I think we may need some help as a couple. He has put up with so much and I had no idea how difficult he was finding life with me (well I did but I didn't iykwim!). He is very forgiving but basically thinks I'm selfish and I don't blame him.

Well, depending on how difficult things are with you two, I remember reading on here that there is a Relate helpline where one of the couple has Aspergers. May be of help?

I get upset on behalf of other people too.

That could be something to bear in mind. I've probably made it sound worse than it is, I'm feeling over cautious about my behaviour (paranoid?). I do tend to think I'm right all the time and go all out to win arguments but dh thinks that's more to do with being a woman .

Hi Lambskin,

I also had my son diagnosed a few years ago and thought 'that is me'!!!!

I think from reading your posts and the others' on this thread just proves what sensitive and empathetic people we are... and everyday I see beautiful qualities that my son has that I am so so proud of. Without his autism he may have been a very different (and not so lovely) boy.

I have never thought of getting a diagnosis for myself. Maybe I should, but I think just by realising that if my odd but very interesting thinking is due to being autistic then bring it on!!

Hi ontherainbow (love the name)

I think that by recognising it and talking about it on here and in rl with my dh it has been quite therapeutic.

I know from my ds how hard it is to get a dx and although I can see the relevance for him (he's only 6 and it definitely helps with getting help for him and being able to 'prove' he's not just a naughty boy) I have managed to get this far thinking I was very unsociable and awkward and that I happen to have a very 'male' brain.

Paid employment and relationships are problematic for me but now I think I know why maybe I'll be able to work out what to do. I'm already planning and working on my own business.
This could be the beginning of the best half of my life .

So glad to hear you say that...

I am self-employed and it works perfectly for me. I think the first half of my life was pretty tough as I could never work out why I didn't really like most people! That's not to say I'm not sociable, but now I just choose my friends wisely.

The great thing about being the way I am is that I know that if I'm passionate about something, I'll really see it through and go the extra mile. So, in terms of jobs and businesses, make sure you have the passion and it'll be a breeze.

Good luck with it all!

Thank you ontherainbow.

I'm so pleased I started this thread I've had so much good advice and I really appreciate it.

Hello everyone

I discovered my Aspergers when I was 23, watching Newsround, they done a little report on it and I felt like the child on the programme was just like me!! After battling with several GPs and changing practises until I found someone willing to listen to me, I managed to get a referral to CLASS in Cambridge, who diagnosed me as having AS.

It was a weird experience, getting it 'made official'.

However, I must say that since making the choice to get formal diagnosis I am now far calmer as a person (I know to try to look at situations in different ways and not just assume that the world is out to get me!) I have now learned to avoid situations that I know will lead to meltdown as well as consciously creating more coping strategies to get through the puzzle that is daily life among the humans!! =o)

Lambskin I wish you luck on your voyage of self discovery, it will certainly help to seek similar minds online, I found it a real eye-opener, loved discovering the people out there who are just like me... can make you laugh about things that have always been a source of real stress.

It's a funny old world

Hello digimand

It is indeed a funny old world I feel like I've stepped through a door into a looking glass world and I've never felt more normal in my life!

I talked to my mum about this for the first time a couple of days ago and she really was not at all surprised and even felt that she had let me down.

I'm still undecided about the dx it's still early days for me, I'm still getting used to this new but old me. I actually feel like it's ok to like myself, and that I'm not horrible or weird after all!

Liking myself and feeling normal was a plus point of getting the diagnosis for me. (sorry for taking so long to return, very busy in my unpaid job!)

Me too. I always had problems at school, never fitted in despite being bright. Socialising almost cripples me, although I'm better at it these days. I get high scores on the on-line tests too, even if I try and give myself the benefit of the doubt.

My sister works in mental health and she says I probably have aspergers but I've not got round to looking into an adult diagnosis. I think it would help me and give me some more 'coping' skills.

Me too too! DCs seem fine, but I'm pretty sure my father has it. Growing up was very problematic and he continues to be difficult to get along with. I am bright but totally underachieving, had problems making friends, luckily have always had a couple of close friends. Had to learn socialising.

I'm not diagnosed - but depressed much of the time and have a diagnosis of bi-polar. Mentioned my suspicion to the psychiatrist, but he wasn't really interested.

I have terrible trouble being organised, tend to blitz, crash and burn. And can't stick to a routine.

Would really appreciate a permanant asperger's thread - what does anyone think?

Hello everyone!

MaryBS lovely to hear from you again, yes a dx would also explain me to my family. I actually broached the subject with my mum - told her about the tests etc (she obviously knows about ds) and she was very supportive and admitted that she had known I wasn't quite right, very different from my sisters and she felt like she'd let me down .

Meglet I have 'learnt' how to be sociable. I was bullied at school but reinvented myself at sixth form and beyond thanks in part to alcohol. Terrible but true. Now I can cope in short bursts, I'm sure everyone thinks I'm really friendly and good fun (if a bit odd)!

midnightsevant I can have close friends if they don't get too close (I can't keep up the act and always say or do something wrong eventually). I'm ok with routine but it has to be on my terms.
I think your idea about a permanent aspergers thread is a brilliant one. I think we could all really benefit from the support

Haven't checked this thread for a while thanks to Easter etc, hope you're all still there!

Have been very busy at church... (another misconception, that aspies can't have a faith).

I tried speaking to my mum about it, asking obliquely if she recognised anyone from the traits described in Tony Attwood's book, but she didn't. So I've not told her that I've been diagnosed. :( re: not being quite right. I was brought up with 4 brothers, and shared many of their interests, plus I gave her a lot less trouble than they did, so I don't think it was remarked upon about me being different, other than I had a talent for maths and was quiet and studious with few friends.

I think that when we were growing up and at school in the 1970s and 80s a child that was quiet and studious was a relief and left to it. My mum didn't notice there was anything different until my sisters came along (I'm the eldest). We had some very explosive moments though and she did hit me a few times which she never did with my sisters.

Maybe your mum knows but doesn't want to admit it. I know my dh struggles with ds and his parents won't hear of it. It's probably generational in that it didn't even exist as a recognised condition?/syndrome until fairly recently.

Btw I wish I had a talent for maths!