question for mums who took longer to bond with their baby

[helena1976]

I have read various threads about the fact that it takes some people longer to bond with their babies than the classic 'rush of love' at birth. This was a relief given my own experience- we're getting there but it's taking time. I'm interested to know though what happened longer term? How did the bonding start to happen and did it make any difference in the way the baby responded to you as it got older or to your relationship with him or her as an older child?

All this makes me very nervous that the time it has taken us to bond will affect my daughter long term, or affect our relationship.

Thank you very much.

Hi I struggled to bond with both my DDs but luckily had a very nice understanding HV who helped me to relax about it. With DD1 I had a tramatic birth and it took 6 weeks to convince me that she was actually mine. She was 6 months when i first felt unconditional love for her (instead of only loving her when she was asleep). She is now 2.5 and we are very close and i only hope our bond continues to grow. She doesn't seem to be aware that I ever didn't love her and takes it very much for granted that I do. For example, I had a difficult day with her yesterday lots of tantrums and hitting and at bedtime she gave me a hug and said 'mummy love me better day soon'. Rough translation - mummy loves me so its all ok .

DD2 was also a tramatic birth and unplanned and I intially resented the intrusion in the bond I had with DD1. She was a year before I loved her unconditionally and last week i finally reached the point where I couldn't choose between my children (shes 13 months).

In my case, I overcompentsated with hugs and cuddles as I didn't want anyone to realise how I felt because it is something I felt judged on by some mums. I also extended breastfed, co slept and carried my DDs skin to skin in a sling to help that bond grow. I think if you are aware that the bond is growing and you are building a relationship and loving foundation for that bond to grow your DD will be fine.

thanks so much for sharing your experience. You're right- it is a total taboo and don't feel I can talk about it much to other mums. We are getting there, but I can't help worrying it will affect her in the future. Really good to know that other people have gone through the same thing.

I was having a discussion with my sister about labour and our LOs etc. recently and she said she doesn't believe in a 'rush of love' and she says anyone who says they felt it is lying! And i have to say i agree. I mean, i would have done anything for my DS when he was born because he was so utterly reliant on me, but that's not the same as falling in love with your LO. I have to say that i don't truly believe we bonded until i saw his gorgeous smile. I think bonding is a gradual process too - you can't love someone until you know their personality and a baby is no different. I can now honestly say i love and bond with my 18 week old DS a little more each day as he develops into his own little person and i would truly kill for him.

It's hard to really love someone who takes, takes and takes some more and gives nothing in return and that's essentially what a newborn does!

Matana says it pretty well. I didn;t sit there gazing into his eyes or watching him sleep for hours or anything like that - it does happen gradually as they are more aware of you and more responsive and you. I also don;t think it has anything to do with the birth process- you get quite a few posts on here blmaing a lack of bonding or a failure to breastfeed on a bad birth or a CS but I honestly don;t see that that few minutes can make a difference - its much more about the person you are. I am fairly unsentimental and (at 19 months) do leave my DS with DP, grandparents etc fairly frequently for days / nights out wheras I know other people who have never ever not put their LOs to bed. I absolutely love him to death but that doesn't mean you stop being who you are.

I'm just not someone who gets the whole rush of love thing - with anyone or anything. It took me ages to fall in love with my DH, and a long time to really fall in love with DS and DD. I cared for them really well, cuddled and everything I was meant to do, but falling in love was a very, very gradual thing. Like Trixie, I'm a fairly unsentimental person, so perhaps that is the reason. Their start in life certainly isn't - both uncomplicated home births, breastfed etc.

For me, the first few weeks are a trial. I liken it to trying to keep a fish alive while holding it in your hands! Once they can smile, it gets a bit better but it is still really, really hard. From about 6 months the love really grew and by 1 year, I was completely besotted by them. Now they are nearly 4 and 2, I am in absolute awe of them. I find them completely wonderful and amazing and am head over heels in love with them both - and tell them far too often probably!

But in some ways, I feel really lucky. Imagine if you were someone who found your DC most wonderful when they were a newborn. It's over so quickly and then it is downhill from there. Whereas I keep finding the next age wonderful - there is so much to look forward to.

hi cam,
what a refreshing post! i love the fish analogy. And I can totally relate to the looking forward to the future thing. I am always a bit suspicious of mums who find the newborn bit the best bit as well because that is the point in their lives when your children are least 'who they are' if that makes sense. Like you are loving the idea rather than the person or something.

Anyway, really good to hear your experiences.

Hi Helena, I'm another one who took a while to bond with my DD. I'm with Camdancer I found the newborn stage pretty gruesome, especially as my DD was not the easiest of babies. You are not alone, I promise! To answer your question, if I'm completely honest the bonding thing only started at about 6 months and didn't really get going until she was about a year old - a real turning point for me. And I don't think it has affected our relationship one little bit. She's just turned 2 and I am absolutely besotted with her and she seems quite keen on me as well ("mummy is my best friend" I got this morning ). I don't think I let my rather ambivalent feelings show in the early months, I was always careful to cuddle her and talk to her and look after her and I don't think (thank goodness) she could tell the difference. So I hope this reassures you a bit that a slow start doesn't do any long term harm.

I took a long time to bond with my youngest for various reasons. I have to say I don't think it's affected her at all. I believe it's a growing love and I can honestly say that I love her totally (she's three). I felt instant love for my eldest, but I had a totally different start with her so it's going to be different. I think it is hard to admit, but I think it's very common.

I didn't feel the rush of love for DD. She was my first DC, and I think I just felt too overwhelmed and shocked. I felt like I was looking after someone else's baby for those first few weeks, maybe a couple of months. But the bond grew quickly, and I loved her unconditionally by a few months. I don't believe she's been affected. She's 5 now, and we are very close.

With my DS I DID feel the rush of love - so I can assure you that it does exist! It was the most emotional experience of my life when I first held him.

I feel guilty that I felt so different with them both. I absolutely love them both the same, no favourites. It was maybe just that I was so much more prepared for DS's arrival - I knew what I was in for, and infact I had longed for it (had 3 mcs between my DC).

DD was (retrospectively) a traumatic-ish birth, and had a fairly traumatic start with feeding problems. I started bonding properly with her around 6 months, and I remember clearly around the 9 months mark thinking that life had been good for a while and if it carried on like this it would be okay - that it wasn't all a terrible mistake to have kids. She started sleeping through around then, and I think that made a difference too - life on no sleep is like living in a parallel (awful) universe. Since then the bond has grown and grown and I adore DD with every fibre of my being, and she is a very affectionate girl, generous with her hugs and 'love yous'. She doesn't appear to remember anything of the early days, and although I was 'going through the motions' for ages, I think 'the motions' are enough for them in the early months.

I got pregnant with DS when DD was 1. He had a dream birth and was an easy feeder, but I feel/felt exactly the same about him as I did when DD was born. The only difference is that this time around I have more confidence that it will all be okay. He's coming up to 6 months and things are following much the same pattern as previously, but as he starts to develop a personality and we are getting to know each other better, the bond is growing and I love him for who he is. I don't think he's negatively affected either at this stage, as he's definitely attached to me - he often screams if I leave him with DH and then gives me a huge grin when I come back - which is in equal parts frustrating and heartwarming! But then that's an improvement on solely frustrating so I remain positive it'll all work out just fine!

have just found this thread and finding it really useful and reassuring- this is something I've struggled with too. Thank you all very much for sharing your stories.

I think the whole "rush of love" thing is what you are conditioned to expect when you have your first child. I'm not really qualified to talk about the long term implications, as I am a first time mum of a 12 week old, but I was very worried that there was something wrong with me that I couldnt be sure that is how I felt in those first few weeks.

Now DD is a little older and capable of some interaction, it is so much more rewarding and I love spending time with her and can say I love her without questionning what I mean by that. I also think its a confidence thing, I spent so much time in the first few weeks worrying about whether I was doing everything right that I couldnt really relax and enjoy being her mum the way I do now.

I also wonder whether the type of delivery affects this - I had an emergency c-section and woke up to be presented with a baby while still off my face on drugs. I wonder whether being in labour and that pain means that when your baby is finally born, the physical work to get the baby triggers those love feelings. But that's just speculation on my part - I was disappointed not to have the delivery I wanted which probably was also a factor for my feeling unsure of how I felt.

I did the whole VB birth thing no drugs and it still took me over 6 months to realise that one day when going home I was actually looking forward to seeing her.

Took about a year for the love thing to kick in. Don't understand how you can suddenly love someone so much you've never met. You have to get to know someone before you get to love them in my opinion. DD has just turned 4, I'm not the maternal type, never feel the need to hold other peoples babies, but DD is amazing and I love her with everything that is me. Sometimes I look at her and wonder how we got this far, sometimes its still awkward. Last week she didn't get into her first choice primary and I would have quite happily trampled over other peoples kids to get her what she wanted. Sometimes I still surprise myself! I think its a shame that its still taboo to not unconditionally love your child immediately and I do worry about all the other mums who feel there is something wrong with them because they don't.

I'm really amazed at how common this is. I felt like the only one. Why do people never discuss this?