Not coping very well

[DeepDeepFlavours]

I don't know where to start really. DS is almost 8 months and I feel I'm at the end of my tether.

He is a beautiful baby - really smiley and (usually) happy. Healthy, inquisitive, funny and sleeps really well (7.30pm till 6am sometimes wakes in the night). I have returned to work 4 days a week and he loves his nursery.

But the past week or so I feel like I've reached a brick wall. I've found being a parent really tough - both DH and I really enjoyed our life pre-DS and liked doing simple things like relaxing on a Sunday together with the papers and a glass of wine. At about 5-6 months I felt like I'd got used to my new life and was enjoying being a mum and the return to work really helped as I felt like I had got some freedom back.

However recently things have got bad. DS is teething and is whining all the time...all the things he used to enjoy (walks in the pram, playing on his mat with his toys) now make him cry. He screams when I dress him, cries when his nappy is changed. All the crying and whining stops as soon as he is picked up and walked round (just like it used when he was very little) so I don't think there is an underlying pain or something wrong.

Weaning him has been tough - he eats fine at nursery but weekends (and Mondays when I am at home) are a fight. Sometimes he eats, sometimes he sits in his highchair and screams. Despite getting quite good nights sleep I feel exhausted all the time. And stressed.

I spent most of this past weekend in tears - something snapped in me and I just didn't want to pick him up every time he cried and walk round the flat with him. I wanted to sit with a cup of tea and magazine and relax.

I don't know what to do. All my friends have babies and are happy, we live abroad and have no family here (so DH and I haven't been out together in 8 months apart from xmas when we grabbed a lunch together in between BF). I feel ungrateful and a bad mum....I should enjoy spending all day playing with him and jiggling him round the flat. But I don't. I'm starting to hate it.

Please help - should I go to the doctors? Do I need to think of more games for him (he loves nursery so maybe he is bored at home)? I really don't want to resent him but my feelings are getting out of control

first, it will pass. It doesn't sound to me like there are underlying problems so much as a difficult phase. It is not that unusual to find it relatively easy early on and harder later.

you need to get out of the house with him as much as possible.

and be open with friends about the fact that you are having a bad phase, hint or even ask outright if they will take him for an hour or so to give you a break, and you can return the favour when things calm down a bit for you.

a baby that cries for ages is hugely emotionally draining.

Could your DH look after him for 2-3 hours at the weekend while you leave the house for some 'you' time - shopping or reading the paper in a cafe?

Could you afford a babysitter so you could go out for a meal one evening?

Could grandparents visit for a weekend to help out and give you a bit of a break?

Could you try new things at the weekend - picnic at the park, going to a soft play area? I found that getting out and about was key to my sanity.

Perhaps you could speak to nursery for help and suggestions - they may have tips and advice for what they find works?

It certainly is tough but you will come out the other side!

Thank you for the responses. We've had another day of constant low-level whining, if not full on crying. We went to the park and as soon as we got home and started to play he started crying like I was torturing him

sympathy, it really takes it out of you.
you just have to take it a day at a time and before you know it he will be back to his normal happy self.

oh and by the way.... you are allowed to be stressed, pissed off, resentful, or whatever, when he is being difficult. Don't feel guilty, you don't have to be a saint all the time. And if you sometimes have to put him in his cot and close the door while you have a cup of tea and recover your equanimity, it is fine, he won't come to any harm. It is the worst thing in the world when no matter what you do it doesn't seem to make any difference.

come and rant on here whenever you need to.

My DS1 was like that, a really high maintenance baby. Pretty much cried or whined all day long if we were at home, I would take him to baby groups so that his crying is drowned out in big open spaces! He was a pain to wean, ate very sporadically. Will eat well for days and then practically starved for days. I used to tear my hair out in despair or end up shouting at him in anger. I think nursery really tires them out too - it's all day stimulation. My DS1 wouldn't eat when he came home and screamed in the high chair cos he was too tired. He's now 3 and a real, real delight. He changed when he could talk and communicate. He now loves his food, is quite a solid boy. He is very, very active (probably frustrated as a baby!) and I literally take my DSs out all day if I can to run off all that energy.

And in case you feel bad, it's NOT your parenting. My DS2 is such a laidback baby and he is now 17 months old and so chill (took them both to a play today and DS2 just sat on me quietly the whole time, no chance in hell DS1 would have done that at his age, I would have been trying to stop him jiggling about and trying to touch 5 million things around him). Until I read your post, I've forgotten how difficult DS1 was because DS2 is the opposite (he sits at his high chair and feeds himself ).

Just saw my post wasn't very helpful. Practical suggestion:

• Can you ask anyone at his nursery to babysit? We have a regular babysitter who works at the DSs' nursery so she knows them both well and vice versa.

I hit a real low at around 9 months. I think I was getting really tired, the excitement is over and the sheer long haul of it starts getting to you. I went on Antidepressants in the end and they really helped, though not saying that's your solution. They don't always work anyway, though they did for me.

I expect you are tired going back to work and juggling both, even if you think you ought not to be. And missing friends/ family back home? Adjusting to sharing him with nursery and the emotions that go with it. You are allowed to feel tired doing all this.

It's a difficult age too. So much teething. All 3 of my kids had all their teeth (except the last back ones which come much later) by the time they were 1, so 6-12mths was a nightmare for all of them. They do whinge just with the low level pain. If it turns into a scream, I would give calpol as this is a pain reliever, or some calgel on the gums.

Are there things you can go to in the day other than parks?

ds is the same age and I know exactly what you mean. Teething makes him miserable and he is getting frustrated wanting to be on the move and more able than he physically is capable of right now. The screaming makes my face melt sometimes.

But just try and take a breath when you feel any anger or resentment coming up. You don't have to be perfect to be a parent, just do your best.

If you feel its getting out of control no harm in talking it over with the doctor.

(Mind you I'm delighted tonight as ds has slept for 3 hours, the most he has done since he was newborn! Not trying to make you feel bad as you've got a sleeper, just saying some of your friends with babies will be having their own issues too)

It might be teething ... but don't underestimate that he might have something else going on.

I put things down to teething - in fact DD actually had ear infections.

Just wanted to mention as these things not always easy to spot and don't always come with a fever.

I agree with all those who have said get a babysitter and get out for an evening with your DH and remember what life was like BC (Before Children), it makes a huge difference although that may not be practical if you live abroad and don't know anyone well enough?

And there have been plenty of times when i've just put DS in his cot, closed the door and taken myself off downstairs when he's been grizzling. Providing he's fed and clean i do it without too much guilt. Sometimes nothing else will work and you must save your own sanity. I had a very bad day yesterday - DS slept for 30 min naps only after being awake every two hours at night (i was banking on long naps to make up for my lack of night sleep) and then he whinged and grizzled constantly from 4pm onwards because he was tired. It's hard just having the odd day like that, so i know what it must feel like to have a teething child who has grizzled for days!

Assume you've tried teething powders/ Calpol when it's particularly bad etc?

If you think there's more to it than struggling to cope with a phase, then it would do no harm to speak to your doctor. But only you can answer that question.

I would second what Doozle said- my friend thought hers was suffering from teething and he had an ear infection so maybe the docs should be your first port of call just to check all is fine ie. it's just teething. Maybe you could also speak to the doctor about how you feel then too if you feel you want to.

On your day off could you find a baby group that you could go to where you will be able to talk to other mums/dads- I find one of the hardest things is when I have nothing planned for the day and know I am not likely to speak to another adult, so try and plan for something social (for me!-and my baby)most days to get us out of the house. Also helps to be able to share your woes with others I find.

I have a 10 month old and much of your post resonates with me, although I know mine has a cold at the moment which is why she is quite clingy/whiney and off her food. Would it be easier if your DH were to feed him at weekends for a while? Also, could you work it so that you both get some time out alone at the weekend? We usually alternate weekend lie-ins and each has some time out to just relax ie. my partner had a few hours watching football on Saturday, I had a few hours to myself on Sunday in which I went to a coffee shop, read a magazine and then met a friend for a drink. We need to work on getting someone to babysit so we can get some time out together though....

Good luck!!

i sympathise, it sounds like you are knackered, working 4 days a week and looking after a LO is really hard work, especially when LO is being whiney - my DS went through a phase around the same age - turned out to be teething but at the time it drove me nuts. It will probably pass but until it does try a dose of calpol. It won't do DC any harm if he isn't in pain/ill but if he does have underlying pain from teething it may alleviate it. could also explain why he's not eating properly. I'd also take him to the doc just in case its something more serious.
I'd also make an appointment at the doc for yourself. You sound stressed and it could be the start of depression. Your serotonin levels could be low and the doc could prescribe something for that. Also ask them about play therapy. My friend got referred to a play therapist who came to her house and showed her how to play with her baby. It just reassured her that she was doing the right things and gave her some new ideas of how to enjoy time with her baby.
Lastly don't compare yourself to other mums. You think they all have happy babies and love spending time with them but you don't see what goes on behind closed doors. Its a shame that being a mum can be so competitive that people aren't honest with their friends about how hard it can sometimes be.

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond.

I feel a bit better now (maybe because DS is at creche Tues-Fri!). I agree with the suggestions that we need to do more activties with him - I think he may ultimately be bored at home. There is a playgroup we can attend on Monday afternoons that I should take him to (it just means braving the rush hour crush on the bus on the way home with a buggy and so far I have been too scared to do that!). I've also now found a soft play in my area that we will try.

He has started with a runny nose and cough this morning so maybe he was also feeling unwell this past week. He has had a few ear infections due to teething. He saw a doctor last Friday who said all was currently clear.

Thanks again for all the advice!

just tea and sympathy here

young babies go through phases, mine went through a phase about 8mths where we couldn't leave the house, everywhere we went he cried, including my bf house.....so fustrating as you feel so bad, but they do pass. Grit your teeth and say its just a phase !! Its just a phase !!

Promise you will get some of your sunday morning back soon, we read the papers now...albeit over shouting about dinosours

Well done for finding a play group and soft play area to go to. Getting out and meeting others will be really good for both of you I'm sure. Also other Mums/Dads may be able to suggest other activities in your area you may not have been aware of - a Mum I met in a play group told me about swimming classes that are inexpensive (unlike most which cost a fortune) and not advertised - I can't tell you how much we both love it! She also suggested going to a little city farm park which was brill.

Do try to organise a few hours each weekend for you and your DH to have some time to yourselves, as well as getting a few hours out together some evening. My Mum is always stressing the importance of having time together as a couple away from the children - no matter how much we love them! Easier said than done I find, but she is right.