What do you do if your dc plays with a child you don't like

[triton]

My ds (5) chooses to play mostly with a girl who I find to be rude, bossy and manipulative

I like children and in all the children I have met,none irritate me like this girl. Now I know I sound mean but I can't help my feelings although of course I don't show them

My ds isn't an angel at all times but I can see that she provokes him with her competitiveness and inability to share. It is all 'look what I've got' and 'mine is better than yours' etc. He plays with her out of convenience I think and when she is not there he will play nicely with others. I think she is insecure for various reasons and she snatches, gloats and boasts. He has never been like this (because I wouldn't allow it) but with her he has started to react in this way too. I know it is because on a subconscious level she unsettles him but he is too young to articulate it.

I know I might get slated and I know I sound a bit precious about my ds. Believe me I know that he can play up too and isn't perfect but the bottom line is she isn't good for him and doesn't have a positive affect on him. Now she is a child all the same and therefore innocent. She may grow out of it or it may be aspects of her environment. Maybe I am over reacting. It is upsetting me though

wwyd?

It is really difficult, isn't it? I have a similar problem - my daughter (7) is good friends with a girl in her class who is... well, she has a reputation for bullying other children, using bad language, etc... Her mum has spoken to me and invited my daughter round to play "anytime" and to be honest I just can't decide.... I am not going to stop her playing with the child (although we have had conversations about if you see someone being mean and don't do anything to help, then it is the same as YOU being mean, and you will end up with no friends...). Anyway - I don't know whether to just not encourage it, or whether to hope my daughter can be a positive influence on this child, rather than the other way around....

Which doesn't help you at all, but I do empathise!

I can see this girl being a potential bully even though she is still young. I have been the victim of bullies through various stages of my life and I think she triggers me. This is a bit pathetic I know, I am in my late thirties and she is a pre schooler! But I see the affect her behaviour has on my ds and the dynamic makes me uncomfortable

I think every child has the potential to be a bully.
Find other friends for him to play with even when she is there?
Have a chat with him about playing nicely and correct any bad behaviour when/if it shows.

I know exactly how you feel, my DS is best friends with a little boy who is SO competitive and is always trying to beat my son whatever they do whereas we bring our children up to just enjoy themselves, we don't encourage competitiveness against others but to improve themselves for themself and today in the park my son was trying to ride his bike without stabilisers I know he should be able to do already (he is 6) but he does so many things they can't do everything when they should and his friend came up to him and said ' I can't believe you still can't ride your bike without stabilisers' I wanted to knock the pompous little git off his bike!! however turns out he can't even swim yet and yet my son has done his 200m, here I am getting competitive myself now in defense mode! I try to encourage him to be friends with other children as well as his best one but ultimately they choose their own friends as we do so nothing we can do but at least you can limit to school contact only? Interesting enough his mum is from the philippines and she is competitive too and her son is always doing computer games as her view is that IT is the future whereas our son doesn't even have a DS as I'd rather he was out playing than being stuck in on computer games. all you can do is talk about nice traits that people have and other ones that aren't so nice, for instance my son's friend sometimes calls him fat so I usually say something like 'friends shouldn't call people names' just to put some doubt in his mind as I too think this boy is a potential bully but unfortunately you'll have to bite your tongue on this one as I used to tell my son I didn't like his friend and I knew that he didn't like that and I was out of order. ggood luck!

I know a bit about this girl's background and I think she is insecure which I think underlies a lot of bullying and selfish behaviour.

I have chatted to him and I am very firm about his behaviour, even if I feel he has been provoked. The problem is her mother won't be as firm. I feel bad being hard on him because I can perfectly understand his reactions, but I know I have to show him not to react. I have even told him just to walk away if the play is irritating him

I have encouraged play with other friends even when she is there. They don't have much in common so I encouraged him to share his dinosaurs and lego with another boy and they were playing very co-operatively but she whined and stormed off because she is quite clingy with my ds.

I am so fed up as there is no escaping it (lives on same street).

I feel for you living on same street, she has obviously targetted your son (maybe a bit in 'love' with him even) I feel this boy has done the same to my son as he is not as popular and doesn't get invited to the same parties and other people's houses etc but I suppose being magnanamous if you are aware of her circs and background maybe try to infect some positive behaviour yourself through your son? a tough task when not even yours I know but other than move house not sure what else you can do?! children do respond well to a positive role model in an adult especially!!

It's a hard one isn't it? DD started a new school and she had a new friend around to play who I just didn't like one bit. She's manipulative and actually has an evil streak I've never encountered in a child before. I know that seems harsh but she came to play and thought it would be hilarious to put hand soap on the banisters to the apartments upstairs to see if someone would 'slip and break their neck' (her words) I overheard her suggesting it and told her no way. She scowled at me and mumbled 'whatever' under her breath. She's 10 - I hope I don't know her when she hits her teenage years!

I can't stop DD playing with her in school but have made it clear she'll never come here again.

goodness and we thought we had problems yikes better check for the 666 on her head!!

at skiptotheend - although it is a bit scary isn't it

I have encountered a lot of children through my own - some quiet, some naughty and some with special needs. Like adults they vary in character and temperament. My own ds has good points and some not so good ones. He can play up and I am not always a perfect parent. However even the naughty ones I can endear to but there is something about this girl.

It is horrible to feel like this. Her mum seems nice and we chat. She has even given my ds a lift to pre school a few times and she feeds my cat when I am away. She or her dd would have no idea I feel this way. She sort of implies it is both of them with phrases like 'two little monsters' or 'they are both as bad as each other'. This is true to an extent now that my ds rises to it, but it is not the full picture.

It may change and she may grow out of it. I am also hoping that my ds will make new friends with more similar interests so it will be diluted.

OMG you all sound like a horde of smug bullies yourself. This little girl is only a little girl. Stop being so precious. If you don't want your child to be around someone then have the nerve to actually end the friendship on your DC's behalf. Children will come across all sorts of characters in their lives and need to learn how to deal with them on their own. Protectionist intervention from overly interfering mums is not helpful IMO. I can't believe the tone of what you are saying. Dollyhouse check for the 666? really? awful.

moonymama - a lot of it is only tongue and cheek. I am well aware that she is only a little girl and I stated in my first post that therefore she is innocent. I am also aware that some of my feelings may be precious and I would not end a friendship on my ds behalf because he is old enough to choose who he plays with.

I let them bicker and fight all bloody day on Saturday. I watched as she snatched and broke one of his favourite toys by trying to grab it from him. He had agreed to take turns but when it was his turn she would have none of it. I did not interfere overly, I know he has to learn to deal with all characters.

I am not a smug bully moonymama and how dare you insinuate that. I am just a mum who loves her ds and gets a little tired of bickering and fighting. I have never been anything but welcoming and friendly to this girl, I came on here to moan about an awkward situation because it is anonymous and safe.

I am precious about my ds potentially being bullied and manipulated yes, because I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of it - at home and at school (I did not have a hreat childhood). Unfortunately some children are manipulative and less than pleasant. It is not their fault no but yes I am protective of my ds.

I understand what you are saying Triton. It was more the comments that Dollyhouse made that I found a bit disturbing. I truly hope your DS can sort this out.

I'm interested in responses here because my 5 yr old dd has a similar friend.

I have recently stopped out of school playdates - not so much because of the friend's behaviour, but the mother's lack of action in dealing with it. This has caused a huge argument. I did try to delay the playdates by saying, we're a bit busy this week. But the mother was incredibly insistent that my DD comes round - sometimes twice a week. Sometimes getting down on my DD's level, after I've clearly said "no we can't come" and saying to her, "you'd like to come round and play now wouldn't you".

Her friend will demand to play with whatever my dd has picked up to play with. The mother then launches into how my dd doesn't know how to share. She gives the toy up. Picks up another - and he wants that too. And so it goes on.

He's now following her round the activity tables at school, whining and demanding she gives up whatever it is she's picked up to play with.

He only wants to play his choice of games. My DD does this for a while, then says, I'd like to play my game now. He runs back to his mother crying "she won't play with me". The mother then tells my DD what a nasty girl she is.

He doesn't like her to play with anyone else. My DD describes this as "he tries to make them not like me". How? He tells them I said they were fat. He tells them I said they are boring. When I didn't. He just lies.

It's just really worrying when it's happening to your dc - I really do understand where you're coming from. But like you, this is the first child I've come across of this age whom I really dislike.

I don't know what the answer is. A friend tells me that they change friends a lot over the next few years, gradually finding people they have something in common with, rather than playing with the ones they've just been thrown together with from playgroups.

I'm hoping this is the case for us and you. I can't say intervening has helped much in my case - but it came to a head when the mother started ranting at us in the playground which I had to draw the line at.

good grief emmy that is horrible. I would stay well clear of that dysfunctional unit if I were you. My situation isn't as desperate. I think as a society we are afraid to admit and see that some parents are truly dysfunctional and in turn their children become damaged.

I am not without my faults as a parent and certainly have 'issues' but I know something is basically right and that my children are okay. Of course sometimes it is just normal childish behaviour that a kid will grow out of but sadly in some cases it is the seeds of dysfunction that will breed bullies and manipulators and eventually dysfunctional adults. I remember growing up and I remember that some kids were really nasty and unhappy beneath the surface

Of course it is not the kid's fault but I am here to support and yes protect my children. Or to give them self confidence to trust their instincts and spot the bullies and know how to deal with it. However I know I can't protect them all the time and I would never want to interfere to an unhealthy level. It is hard.

I may be over reacting and I am triggered easily from my own childhood. My ds friend is young and it may well be childish behaviour that she will grow out of. However emmy your situation sent alarm bells ringing. I say stay well clear and remember you never know what goes on behind closed doors

I had similar situation with DD1 and a bossy/mean neighbours child.

A few tips that worked for me.

• from your DS's circle of schoolmates/playmates, identify a few that would make nice friends. Preferably ones he already gets on well with

• figure out how to get them more things in common

- join hobbies those kids are already in - arrange playdates with those kids, but you'll have to keep them playing in the back garden or in the house for most of the playdate. Otherwise, little miss horrible will join in and take over...

• encourage your son to stand up for himself, and to point out to other child that what she is doing is not fair/mean.

This last point caused my DD1 and the other child to fall out. The first two points helped her build friendships with some nice friends.

i also find dollyhouses comments disturbing; why is it 'interesting' that the childs mother is from the Phillipinnes??? why is that relevant at all?

Triton - yes that's just it - quite a lot of five year olds are a bit bossy, haven't really worked out that boasting isn't very nice and like to choose which game is to be played - all fairly normal and most will grow out of it with some guidance. It's the manipulativeness of this dc I find really disturbing and the fact that the behaviour isn't corrected, almost rewarded.

I do feel quite mean in some ways to my dd, not letting her see who she wants to but on the other hand I really couldn't tolerate it any more and if I sent her round there on her own, I just don't trust the mother to be fair or appropriate.

I think the gentle steering away Mcos describes is a good approach.