44 final chance for baby no 3?

[dollyshouse]

hi girls am new to this so apols for not using correct abbreviations etc as I don't know them! I am 44, have two children (son 6 and daughter 4) both great pregnancies and babies/toddlers, married 8 years together for ten. Felt broody when daughter was two but we agreed two enough (my age, had difficult c section with daughter, my working long hours, had one of each etc etc) so I eventually lost my four stone baby weight only to then discover I was pregnant! total shock but we were both so excited and elated but devastated when no heartbeat at 12 weeks scan, knocked me for six felt so bereft and painful still is now at times, happened 30 dec 2009. Really tested our marriage and I also made a life changing decision last june and jacked my high flying job in (70K a year) and now work part time in a pre school (4K) with 2-4 yr olds and am back at college! this also tested our marriage severely as husband didn't agree but I was working ridiculous hours and I wasn't prepared to make the sacrifices anymore just so we could go on holiday to fantastic destinations and have lots of expensive material things essentially, anyway hubby has come round now and we are closer than ever and as a family we are managing financially and we are all much closer and happier than before SO I am now torn about whether to try for a third (hubby happy whatever) but I don't know if I am too old, is 3 too much of a stretch after seeing comments on here? am I just trying to take the pain away from baby I lost? could I go through it again? my two are so close play together wonderfully would a third spoil that? am I just being selfish? I just know that every month when my period comes I feel hopeful and then disappointed and I can't help wishing I was!!! help and advice please, will I just get over it?!!

age-wise i don't think 44 is that old
but what would concern me is what your relationship has been through over the past few years. I guess you know the stress and strain a pregnancy and new baby can put on you both... can it withstand that?
if yes, and if you both WANT a baby then go for it i reckon!

I know exactly how you feel, I always wanted a third DC.
We tried a couple of times which ended in miscarriages, they were devastating, I thought once reaching my 40th birthday I should put this urge behind me and be content with my two beautiful children, but I just couldn't seem to move on .
I'd feel so envious each time I saw someone pregnant or with a new baby. All very irrational and selfish considering what we already had.
But we did decide to have one more try and at 41 I now have a beautiful 6 week old DD. My DH and two DC's are besotted with our little girl/sister. We definitely don't feel too old, so far it's been amazing and I feel so blessed to have this perfect little girl I never thought I'd have.

I couldn't "just get over it" , I think if it's what you both want, you should go for it!

I think you should go for it if the urge is there, and I do know only too well what that feels like.

However you should be very aware of the increased risk of miscarriage and foetal abnormalities.

Am not trying to be unduly pessimistic, but at 44 you don't have much time to spare if you want third child, as I know from my own very painful experiences .

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Im sorry for your loss, it must have been such a horrible time.

You'll hate me for saying this but I agree with applechutney.

There's no sugar coating it, you'll be taking a risk.

I think it's hard to move on if you can't stop thinking about it but I think you need to seriously look into risks. Ask your doc to refer you to a pediatrician. I did that after my first high risk PG and birth to discuss my possible second and it really put me in the picture and helped me decide. I did have my second but Im now aware of risks having a third .

I know though, I don't want my babies to grow too fast and I have bump envy too. x

thanks so much everyone for all your advice/thoughts, the funny thing is my mind was made up quite by chance after all. My best friend has just had a much longed for baby girl after 2 boys and five miscarriages in between and she has asked me to be godmother which has filled some of the 'gap' I was feeling and I borrowed her yesterday for a few hours and although I enjoyed it very much I had forgotten how tying they are when so small and they need constant attention, made me realise I am happy with my two and I am enjoying getting a bit of freedom back much as I hate the fact they are growing up too if that makes sense plus it was lovely to have a little 'fix' but then give her back!! I know you obviously feel different about your own but it helped me come to the decision to be grateful for what I have and not to risk it as the c section with my daughter wasn't straight forward, I was in surgery for over 2 hours after delivery due to lots of scarring from first one! thanks again xx

OP - that sounds just like what happened with my sister! She was really thinking of baby #3 after several years. Then became God Mother, and decided god child was good enough! That was about 10 years ago now, and she never regretted her decision..

I am same age as you dollyshouse and have two kids. Have decided to count my blessings and 'quit while I'm ahead' - if you get my drift! [2nd child at 42]. Glad you feel ok now and made a decision.

dollyhouse. Pleased you feel better. The scarring thing is such a big risk and something Im scared to risk after placenta previa and a c section.
That's what my pediatricain was warning me about.

Ooh, I need to borrow a small baby then !

Dollyshouse, that sounds like a very wise decision to me.

Glad your mind is more at peace now.

Oh Girls girls I have been thrown a major swerve ball, started with what I thought was a tummy bug couple weeks ago, week after my last posting but has lingered and for the last week felt really rough and sick and suddenly today I realised my boobs were so so sore at the slightest touch, lightbulb moment! I checked the calendar, last period 19th March, got a pregnancy test on way home tonight mainly to prove myself wrong but got a bfp!! am dumbstruck, bag of nerves, mixture of emotions after my 'decision' and am up now cos can't sleep my head is all over the place, think I will be happy once news sunk in but at the same time don't want to get too excited cos of what happened last time arrrgghhh!! on the plus side dh mega shocked but absolutely thrilled to bits, fingers crossed, am 5 weeks, due 24th Dec!

I am so pleased for you! Fate has obviously intervened.....
I am almost 41 and lost a baby girl in 2008 at 15weeks pregnant due to major heart defect caused by downs which was devastating, but went on to have healthy baby boy now 10 months and currently trying for another. Both times we decided not to have amnios etc and will do the same again if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again. I wish you all the best and congratulations :-)x

oh wow, in that case Dollyshouse - im so jealous .

Well, fate is certainly at work here and im so pleased for you.
I sometimes think this way would be the best way - a total surprise, hard decision taken away from you. Keep us updated. xxx !

A big and huge congratulations.

It's great news dollyshouse!

It's amazing how life has it's own plans for us.
I'm going to be 41 this year and after years and years of trying our dd was born 2 months after my 40th. She's nearly 8months and I'm feeling absolutely torn as to whether I should have a second. Maybe destiny will intervene for me like it did for you . Never believed in such things, but after reading your story it does make you wonder...

Still not sunk in, went for a well woman check up today because of my age!! was already booked in as a matter of course anyway I passed with flying colours, all blood tests great, blood pressure, cholesterol etc etc but the nurse nearly fell off her chair when I told her I was pregnant! Booked into the system now anyway so fingers crossed just have to wait and see - I'll keep updating on here to let you know how I go on! Been feeling very nauseous still seems to last most of the day but am not complaining cos I know its a good sign! will be just so nervous as scan date approaches with what happened last time (no heartbeat). Took the kids swimming today saw a gorgeous little four month old was hard not to get excited even though am trying not to be just in case!! Good luck to all trying for the BFP! xx

dollyshouse congrats, I hope all goes well.

I am trying to make the same decision about a 3rd, I keep seeing little newborns and just wanting to nick them.

I always swore I wasn't going to have any babies after 35 though and as I am 34 this year, and want a big gap (DS2 is 1) I just don't know what I want.

DH is amiable to whatever I choose, but I am not sure what to do really.

Got all my fingers and toes crossed for you dollyshouse. I am 43 with a 10 and 8 year old and a disabled DH and like you, after much soulsearching and a couple of miscarriages had decided a 3rd would be foolhardy. However what with all the snow in December limiting our other diversions, fate stepped in and I am now expecting at the beginning of September. I also gave up a high flying career because I'm an all or nothing sort of a girl and on reflection if you make that decision then I think you should make the most of the choices it frees you for. I'm more efficient than you though as my 40+ check has effectively been rolled into the pregnancy health programme!

Thanks Howabout, fate a funny thing isn't it, I'm an all or nothing kind of gal too! are you a pisces?? Morloth I don't think you should get hung up on age at 34 for having a baby, why set yourself a target of none after 35?? and what age were you when you said that to yourself? you have to realise that you change as you get older and what you wanted for yourself at 25 won't be the same at 35. Why do you a large gap between? there is 24 months between my two and I am concerned that with number three there will be almost five years gap with my youngest, I think the closer together the better as they play well together, good luck whatever you decide though, the decision may well be taken for you as it was for me!! xx

Just wanted to wish you luck. I have a 5 and 6 year old with my ex. I always wanted a third but he was a def no and the marriage failed. Then last year I met someone and at 37 got pg so little 8 week old Maeve is snoozing next to me. Problem now is I'm still broody and think it would be nice to have another for dp sake (however he's happy with dd and my other 2) and time is marchinh on. I'm 38 next week.
Amyay I was onlt posting to reassure you of the gap. No 3 is easiest and DD1 amd DS are besotted with baby.

ah thanks for the reassurance irishqueen, I have been worried about bringing no 3 into the equation what with the gap, my age and my other two are so so close! you are still well young enough for number 4!!! interesting to note number 3 the easiest, my friend says the same as her DS1 and DS2 are a great help with her DD at age 7 and almost 5. Just so so anxious am crying at the slightest thing and feel so irritable sometimes for no reason and boobs sore and nausea driving me insane, just want the next 6 weeks to fly by!!

just to update on this post, I am 7 weeks pg today , have been referred to hospital by docs so just waiting for scan date, have asked for an earlier one, I have read somewhere that if you see heartbeat then risk of miscarriage drops considerably is that right?? am considering private scan if nhs won't do what do you think? just can't stop thinking about last MMC. any other 'old' mums to be on here due round same time??