How do I help my dd become more confident?

[maxmissie]

My dd is 3yrs 8 months and seems to have low confidence in some situations, especially with other kids. For example today I took her to a party for a child at nursery and she spent most of the first hour clinging to me, coming up with lots of reasons to do things with me, was whining, got upset several times over nothing in particular and had to be constantly encouraged to go off and play with her friends. Towards the end of the party she got a bit more confident about playing with the other kids but she seemed to struggle to join in or know what to do if one of the girls she was playing with got distracted or went off to do something else.

Partly I think she was disappointed that her best friend from nursery wasn't there and she thought she would be. Her best friend (and alot of the other kids) seem to be much more confident in such social situations. Although she isn't friends with every single child at the party, she certainly plays with 3-4 of them when at nursery. When some of them were trying to get her to play she would turn away from them and not speak and she often does this, both with people she does and doesn't know.

She is much more confident with adults, both those she does know, e.g. close family and friends, and with those she doesn't, e.g. other friends that we don't see so often.

She's still young so I don't know if I'm worrying unduly or if there are things I can do to help her become more confident? I'm not the most confident person myself (although dh is) and don't want her to be like me (who finds it hard to talk to people I don't know) but I also get so frustrated when she is like she was today and don't know how to help her or what to do.

She is an only child I'm assuming? I was an only and was exactly the same. Its harder to relate to peers and easier to relate to adults at a certain age. I find if either of my two small ones (3 and 4) are feeling shy I just have to give them a little more time to get comfortable in a situation. Also if you find something interesting there, you can engage them with that - and they are distracted from the self-consciousness of being in a group situation. If you get frustrated they will sense this and become more anxious. I know its not always easy, but you sort of have to put your "relaxed head" on, if that makes sense. And approach adults yourself, a parent you know - say hello, seem cheerful. She will take your lead.

Hi, thanks for reply, not had time to respond!

No not an only child, she has a younger brother (20 months). She acts shy even with children and adults she has known since she was tiny and in situations she has been in loads of times. She will often not respond when asked something or offered something and just turns her head away and looks to the floor. Quite often she will eventually get more confident after we've been somewhere for a while - I can understand it when in an unusual situation but less so with someone or at somewhere familiar. Maybe it is just for attention as I will then encourage her to reply/respond rather than ignoring it, as she comes across as very shy/rude.

I think there are two things going on really - one where we are somewhere familiar (which could be for attention) and the other to do with confidence in unusual situations (as at party mentioned above) - the first will probably pass with time but the second I am more concerned about as she starts school in Sept and I want her to feel confident about joining in with things, rather than being shy or not wanting to join in at first and then, when she gets her confidence, the opportunity to join in having passed.

bump

My dd was like this at about the same age. She was only ever confident if her best friends were doing the same thing and any extra curricular activities that she took part in, I had to attend to and sometimes she would just stick to my side.

She is now just 6 and I was commenting on how confident she has grown. Things that have helped: I never forced her to leave my side, my parents would do this to me and it would Make my anxiety worse, but we would talk about all the fun she was missing out on. When she did start venturing from my side, I still hung about so I could give her a reassuring smile ever so often. I would also praise her and talk about the lovely time she had, i would remind her about this, when she felt anxious in a different setting. I found that her extra curricular stuff really helped in giving her confidence, things such as swimming, dancing, tennis lesson anything that made her laugh.

Don't force your dd into joining in, as she gets older she will feel much more confident about things.

My now nearly 5 year old was a bit like this. She still can be but her confidence is growing. I think 3 and 8 months is still very young and some children will always be a bit shy compared to others. The types of things I did were, just sit and give her time, don't get stressed - so what is she misses a bit of the party, invite small groups of kids to play at the house, went to soft plays and would tell other children her age her name and that she was 4 and asked my wee girl to ask them their name and if they wanted to play. Normally she found this difficult but the other kids normally jump at the chance for a new pal and they played great, which gives her more confidence. If we went to something and she was too shy, I'd join in with her, til she felt like doing it. Some people might think thats helicoptering but it worked for her. I'm not shy and say hello to people etc, but whilst she's not taking the lead from me yet, I'm sure she will.

Thanks for replies, sometimes think I am expecting too much of her when she's only three. Had suggested to dh tonight that maybe we should join in with her when she is anxious or in a new situation and gradually remove ourselves when she is more at ease, I do sometimes almost force her to do things on her own which when I think about it probably makes her more anxious and therefore less inclined to join in. I know I would have hated that my parents doing that kind of thing when I was young.

Will try the other suggestions as well, especially giving her more positive encouragement rather than getting myself frustrated with her.

Thanks again!