Stressed out mum

[shouldbehappy]

Sorry that my first post in over a year is an downer but feel i really need some moral support. I really feel like I'm failing as a mother.
I have a dd who is 3 in a couple of months, i love her dearly but she's horrible always looking for trouble, never eats anything healthy just junk at home, will make a full on mess with her dinner. She shouts at us and has now taken to hitting us. I try so hard to be consistent with discipline but after a long day at work and battling to cook dinner and manage her behavior i know it sometimes goes to the way side for peace and quiet.

I've questioned with myself is it because i work and she feels neglected, and on days off i try to give quality time but it always ends up as a battle. I can't give up work as much as i would like to as I'm the main wage earner. On top of this i am also battling my own demons, currently receiving psychodyamic counseling for depression (long term condition) so i'm sure that is also having an impact. Just don't know how to change things around and have a happy little child who i love to be around!

Sorry you're so stressed. I don't know anything about depression but your DD sounds pretty normal for a two yr old so don't beat yourself up about the way she acts. There are very few two year olds who don't make a big mess when they eat. Many hit or bite because they haven't let learnt how to control their anger. Also many are picky about food.

Can you tell us more about why/how 'quality time' ends up as a battle?

I assume she's in childcare when you work. It's quite common for children to play up with their parents after a day in childcare. Not because they want to punish their parents for neglecting them, but because they are often tired and know their parents will love them however they behave. Even if you are at home with pre-schoolers they still often play up at the end of the day!

oh a day off i try and either go out and about or if it's a miserable day we might stay in and bake or paint or colour. But she has such temper tantrums that it taints the activity. i'm guessing you will all say it's normal but it makes you feel like why should i bother. I.e if we're baking or painting she wants to do everything and if i try and guide or help or even she just throws everything and i end up spending a good hour clearing up!

Today she's spent a lot of the day shouting at me that she hates me and that she wants to be at her childminders. DH is at work. It feels like i've got a teenager not an almost three year old!

She sounds fiercely independent! Have you tried not trying to guide/help? It's hard to resist and watch them figure it out by themselves but it might avoid the battles.

Or if you are feeling 'why did I bother', then perhaps stick to activities that aren't so messy for a while? Have you got any plastic building blocks (eg Duplo). It's fairly quick to tidy up when they've been hurled about! And the mess can be left for you to both sort out when she has calmed down.

Does she do 'lets pretend' stuff at the moment. Can you try saying 'Let's pretend I am your child-minder, now you tell me what to do' and see where that goes? If you let her lead the activity, there might be less conflict.

I won't say all kids are like that when they are 2. Some are happy to be shown how to do things. DS wasn't but DD was! But it is her personality and not your fault. You have to try and see the positive sides and not take the 'I hate you' stuff personally.

Meet her from daycare with a snack in hand - I think that really helps to manage moods. Don't have any junk at home. If you haven't got it, you won't be tempted to offer it. Hold firm in the face of the hideous tantrum that will ensue first time. My best technique is to sit nearby and read a children's book until dd creeps on my lap (which can take ages!). Sometimes parenting is a bit crap tbh.

She's two. This is what they're like.

Serve her the meal you want her to eat. If she messes with it, remove it. If she begs for it back, give it back, but any more messing and the meal is over.

Cook after she's in bed, plate it, fridge it, then nuke it the next day. This will give you more time with her.