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Parenting

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Original poster

"Daughter's Boyfriend"

16 replies

esmerdoo · 24/03/2011 18:22

Hi
My daughter who recently turned 10 has got her first "boyfriend". All very innocent. DD came home from school and asked if she could go to his house for tea next week. He'd already asked his parents if he could do this. I know who is mom is but have never spoken to her.

I dont know what to say. Husband has already said no. I think if she was younger it would be ok but as she gets older I do not want to encourage boyfriends. Help,what do I do? Advice would be appreciated, thanks.

OP posts:

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 24/03/2011 18:24

Why don't you just treat is as a going to tea at a friends who happens to be a boy, rather than seeing him as a boyfriend.

seeker · 24/03/2011 18:29

Why on earth would you say no? She's going to tea at her friend's house. She's 10!!!!!!!!!

BeenBeta · 24/03/2011 18:31

"I think if she was younger it would be ok but as she gets older I do not want to encourage boyfriends."

Well I wish you luck with that one!

I suggest you make it just 'tea with a friend' as amothersplace suggests otherwise it will become 'forbidden fruit' and lying to you about where she is and who she is with when she gets older.

Our DS2 is going to tea with a friend who is a girl at the weekend.

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usualsuspect · 24/03/2011 18:31

Just let her go ..its perfectly ok for children to have friends of the opposite sex

LynetteScavo · 24/03/2011 18:33

She is 10.

They will eat fish fingers, chuck a ball round the garden and watch Tracy Beaker.

It's what friends do.

Have you considered sending her to an all girls secondary, because I think it's the only way your DH will be able to relax.

If your DH has already said no, then why are you asking us?

Original poster

esmerdoo · 24/03/2011 18:42

Hi, thanks everyone.

I am asking as going to talk to husband about it later and try and come to a compromise. I will suggest that the boy comes here as dont know anything about his parents. Also make it tea with a friend as suggested.

I am obviously over-thinking it!

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 24/03/2011 18:48

If you don't know the parents, then it doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl....you need to suss them out first, so yes invite the other child to tea first. Before she dumps him, which will probably be next week if my DC are anything to go by.

matana · 24/03/2011 20:15

Just a thought but as she gets older it's inevitable she'll have boyfriends, although i do understand the complexity of parents' feelings about this. But by effectively outlawing it at such a young age you'll risk alienating her when she becomes a teenager and does want to spread her wings a little more. She'll rebel and end up doing stuff anyway, but behind your backs and lying about it.

I agree, at that age treat it as a friend who is a boy. If you've raised her well, and i've no reason to believe you haven't, then she'll know the boundaries. More than that though, she'll grow up knowing she has her parents' trust and my guess is she'll repay you by not wanting to break it.

Having said all this, i intend running panel interviews to ensure my DS ends up with a girl worthy of him

seeker · 24/03/2011 22:25

But what could it possibly be but 'tea with a friend"? What are you worried about?

seeker · 24/03/2011 22:26

And if you for some reason that escapes me, think that she can;t go to his house because you don't knwo the parents, why on earth would you expect his parents to let him come to your house? Presumably they don;t know you either!

BooyHoo · 24/03/2011 22:29

your husband is making far more of this than there needs to be and he WILL regret it. the firmer he is as she gets older, the more she will push (trust me, i was the restricted child and boy did i push back in my teens)

she is 10. this isn't a boyfriend. it is a friend. BUT if you want her to be relaxed and open with you about later relationships then you need to relax and 'permit' this. if you say 'no' because she is labelling him a boyfriend rather than a friend then you know what she is going to do in future? she will lie. she will get the message loud and clear that boyfriends are a no no. boyfriends are taboo and not to be talked about. we all know the story of the forbidden fruit.

cory · 25/03/2011 10:01

I think there is a serious risk that your dh will end up sexualising every relationship your dd has, to the point where she will end up feeling it is almost expected of her to take everything to its full conclusion. A lot of 13/14yos do manage to have rather chaste and innocent relationships. But they are not the ones whose parents see sex in every corner. If your dd is told that she can't have a non-sexual friendship with a member of the opposite sex aged 10, what will she think is expected of her at 15?

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 25/03/2011 10:10

OMG just let her go. You are both (well DH is) making far more of this than you (he) needs to. She's going to a friends house for tea - he's a boy. They aren't spending the night together in the house, alone, with a bottle of vodka and a packet of condoms!

Or simply...what Cory said.

Original poster

esmerdoo · 25/03/2011 11:06

Thanks everyone for your input. Yes we were making more of it than it is and I want to be a parent who she feels she can always be open and honest with (own parents were unapproachable). I am going to speak to the other mom and make arrangements with her.

OP posts:

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 25/03/2011 12:35

Great and tell DH to put the shot gun back in the loft for a few more years

FourFortyFour · 25/03/2011 12:43

What seeker said.

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