Punishment and Letting It Go (long)

[NotQuiteCockney]

This afternoon, DS1 (just 4) ran off. We were on the canal with some other kids, and he and another boy got energetic on their bikes, and just kept going. They went past our turning, and eventually I left the pram with the other mum and ran after them.

Unlike the other boy, at least DS1 stopped when I got close enough that he could no longer pretend he couldn't hear me.

I am furious about this. I generally trust DS1 a lot, he rides his LikeaBike everywhere, I don't make him hold my hand on pavements, etc etc. He wouldn't have done this without a co-conspirator, but still. (This is the first time I've run after him! Ever!)

I took his bike off him and implied he was never getting to use it again (said I wasn't throwing it out because DS2 will use it). I made him hold onto the pram on the way home and ranted at him about his behaviour (not shouting, but angry).

He came up with a wide range of excuses ("It was my friend's fault." "School said we need to practice for a race" etc). He did apologise, but didn't really seem to mean it. (Do they ever, at this age?)

I am still annoyed. I'm not continuing to punish him (he got cake after tea, he had a normal bedtime), I'm not planning on holding this over him for ages, although I won't let him use his bike for a few days at least.

The parenting books always go on about letting it go, not keeping punishing them for something, but as he hasn't really seemed sorry, I'm not really comfortable giving up. My instinct is to talk about it all more calmly tomorrow, although I know he'll come up with more excuses and justifications, and just p*ss me off. So maybe that's not worthwhile?

He certainly hasn't enjoyed all the fuss, so maybe I should just assume he's learned his lesson, but still keep the bike from him for a bit?

Is everyone else good at letting these sorts of things go? How do you deal with this sort of big problem?

that was long!

probably best not to ask me as i'm not the greatest disciplinarian, but i would let it go, and make it very clear the next time you go out that riding off too far means no bike (for that day) and tell him why (might fall in the canal, or be hit by a car etc). there's no real point in expecting him to be properly sorry.

ncq I would definitely keep the bike away from him for a bit
I would give it a few days to a week and dont give it back until he realises that he cant run off like that again because it is dangerous

you have to stick to your guns though if he does it the next time, which I am sure wont happen as it sounds like he loves his bike too much.

I hadn't realised how long it would be until I finished! Thank you for managing to read it all.

I think I mostly just need to rant about it ... DH is off at a work do.

I did point out, it was dangerous, he could have fallen in the canal, and I wouldn't have been there to get him out (he fell in a pond, a few weeks back). He explained he has a plan for how to get out. He really does have an answer for everything, and it drives me mad.

I need to accept that the backtalk is him saving face, and cope with it, I guess.

I've told him, if he does it again, he'll have one of those toddler harness things so he can't run off any more. (To which he said: I will undo it and run off. To which I said: I will buy one that I will sew onto you, and it will never come off. That did stop him for a bit.)

He is normally so good about not going off, he generally doesn't get out of my sight, he normally comes back and checks. I really have never run after him before, I would just use a commanding voice, and wait, and he would come.

I will have to make sure, when next he has the bike, that he's checking on me etc.

ncq lol at sewing harness on
your ds sounds like a cheeky chappie like mine

I just get so frustrated with the arguing. He is so like his dad was, his mum always says "You have an answer for everything!" in a really exasperated tone, and I'm already struggling not to say the same thing.

My ds2 still does the backchat/justify himself thing ... even to his teacher

At parent's evening his teacher asked me if ds2 had a problem with his balance. Apparently he'd been kneeling at the table to work instead of sitting on his chair. When the teacher questioned this he spun him an incredibly long and quite plausible explanation about why he couldn't because he has a problem with his ears and his balance ... this was all a complete fabrication!

Um. My DH still does the backchat/justify himself thing. Well, less so as he's realised how irritating it is, but he still has the inclination, I think.

He certainly still does it to his mum, but I understand that.

They're kids, they have no fear. We have their fear for them! My DD used to want to run up the busy main road on the way to school (fairly narrow pavement). I got sick of calling her back to hold the pram until we got to the quiet road. I used to say, I'm worried you'll trip and fall in the road (always falling over that child!) but she didn't get it at all UNTIL we were walking home and an enormous lorry clipped the pavement as we were walking along and let the air out of its brakes at the same time. She nearly died of fright. Now she gets it when I say, walk with me on the safe side by the wall.

I think you just have to keep on and ignore his cheeky answers and say well if you can't understand the danger of not stopping when I call you can't have your bike. Let me know when you understand and when you promise to ride sensibly and do as you're told and you can have another chance.

And in answer to question (you still here?!!) I can't let it go, I keep on until I am obeyed!

Oh, I agree being obeyed is important. But I sometimes find the backtalk is irrelevant. He is normally really good about roads/cars/etc. (He saw a squished rat on the road the other day, which became a lesson in the dangers of cars and roads.)

To be fair, he couldn't have run off in the street, as he'd have to cross streets or turn corners, and I know he wouldn't cross streets, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't cross corners.

Mine two older ones have both done very similar things. It's a horrible feeling isn't it?

I really believe when my dd did it she simply got the wind in her sails and couldn't help herself. The excitement, the speed of the bike, the rush ..Even more irresistable with a friend.

I think you should bring it up again, but without the punitive edge because he'll just close his ears.

I would ask him first why he thinks it happened and listen, then tell him how it made you feel and what a serious situation it was. (especially with you having to leave the pram.)

Then next time you're going to let him ride the bike, set clear perameters about how far he's allowed to go.

Good points, spidermama. I'm not sure about asking him why he did it, as he is likely to give me a complicated lie. But a calm chat is probably the way.

I did have a chat about how he'd feel, if I ran off, and that seemed to work a bit. I will probably try that angle again.

(He's had the bike for ages, and never done this before.)