Parenting young children when exhausted - how do you cope?

[Allegrogirl]

I have DD1 3.5 and DD2 nearly 7 months old. DD1 is a very lively child but she does go to nursery two days a week and her GPs for 2 mornings so I should be able to cope with that. DD2 has a bottle feed at 11ish from DH and wakes at 4-5 am for bf then about 6 am to start the day, just as I am drifting off to sleep again.

My ability to cope with the tiredness is getting worse as the months go on. I have no social life anymore and I can't even drag myself out to go to belly dancing which I love or do an exercise class. Our married life is non existent at the moment.

I'm back to work at the beginning of May doing 3.5 days. I'm dreading trying to focus my brain when I am so tired.

My DDs don't sleep that badly so I don't understand why me and DH are coping so badly. How do other parents manage?

dd1 is just 4, dd2 is 5mo. dd2 wakes twice for feeding in the night, dd1 is up for the day at 6-6.30am. luckily both settle well to bed at 7pm.
the sleep deprivation is cumulative IME - dd2 now normally wakes just a couple of times each night, but after months of her waking every two hours i am still as exhausted as ever.

I go to bed very early. I aim to be resting in bed and reading at 8.30pm, lights out and sleeping 9-9.30pm. my social life is non-existent but i really do need my sleep.

By the skin of our teeth would be my flippant answer!

With ds2, my dh worked away Mon-Fri so I kept feeding him at night as it was "easier". This was with 3 older children. When dh changed job when ds2 was 7mths, he couldn't cope with the night disturbances so took it into his own hands to stop ds2 waking. It took I think about 1-2weeks of "controlled crying".

I am also assuming you have all medical things checked out - anaemia, thyroid etc...

Don´t beat yourselves up about it - it sounds normal to me. I also go to bed really early (I am also usually asleep by 9.30). Sometimes dh and I eat chocolate and drink wine (ds is 2 and I´m not bfing anymore) which helps a lot.
I think social life is a luxury for later! - I try to meet other friends with kids with my kids and that´s it. As for work, try to chat to other mums at your work to realise that you´re not the only one tired at work and dashing round taking kids to nursery etc. and just generally finding it tough.

Yes, it's bloody hard work! I'm in bed for 9 every night as DS2 (4 months) still wakes 3 or 4 times a night and DS1 (2.1) and DS2 are up for 7! I just keep telling myself 'it won't be forever' one intensive year and then hopefully things will start to get easier??!!

I wish I could go to bed early. Dd2 (6 mo) is rarely down before 11pm! But dd1 is often a late waker 7.30-8 & dh gets up with her and takes her to nursery 2 days a week and preschool one morning. The earliest I have to get up with dd1 is 8.30 (dd2 is another matter!).

Once a week usually dh gives me a whole night off and after putting the baby down at 11ish I sleep till about 9am, but often feel just as tired as I do when I am up with the baby! I had really bad insomnia during my pregnancy so I feel like I have about 15 months worth of crap sleep to catch up on!

Have you checked out every possibility with your GP? Sometimes it's difficult to see the difference between normal tiredness and chronic fatigue. Also, do you eat well and drink enough (not tea/coffee or alcoholic) fluids?

Do you sleep during the day? I have two DDS and the youngest (1 year) still feeds bi hourly at night so I am running a huge sleep debt. I cope by napping with the baby and sitting DD1 (2) in front of a video Probably not ideal parenting and the house is beyond tidying but i'm still sane!

I would try to force yourself out cos sometimes even though you are knackered if you do more it gives you more energy?
but maybe go see GP too perhaps you are deficient in something like Iron because that could explain it so worth just going to atleast rule that out, and if it was the case they could put you on some supplements to make you feel better

Berrocca and a multivitamin
Is my latest thing.
Getting out in pram as much as possible - I find it harder if I'm in the house with them as we just tend to stagnate and everything seems so much worse when the walls are closing in....
Pack as much into my day as humanly possible - it makes time go faster and much more enjoyable. On days where I have nothing planned/try my damndest to get some rest are the days where I end up with no rest and really teary and frustrated as I turn into shouty 'no' mother as I am expecting to get a rest IYSWIM?
Most importantly, even if it's just to cry at each other at how hard it all is dh and I talk all the time. Even if we never get 'us' time anymore, there are little moments which go a long way to helping it.

Admittedly I spend a lot of time with my head down just powering through fatigue and feelings of inadequecy. I think everyone does really.

I felt like you and it continued to get worse. Turned out I had an under active thyroid which is common after birth. I was diagnosed when DD was around 6 months old.

Im not saying it is that but it is always good to go to the doc's to get a full blood count to make sure you are not anaemic or having thyroid problems.

I wish I hadn't just put it down to babies and 3 yr olds for so long.

Hopefully it's just the relentless nature of a 3 yr old and 7 month old together as that is also enough to explain it!

I put mine down to normal parental exhaustion too, turned out I had M.E as a result of not recovering from glandular fever. If I'd known earlier, it would have made life so much easier, so I'd definitely recommend getting the GP to rule out anything medical.

Wow, are you me? Dd1 is 2.11 years and dd2 is 7 mo tomorrow and wakes at 11pm and 5am too. Naps badly. Dd1 gets up at 6am. I'm on my own atm as dp has to work abroad, but mum helps me out with the evenings. Am ebf. Dd2 was waking 3/4 times a night recently. I have never been so exhausted in all my life!! No real advice for you, just wanted to say you're not alone!! I suppose what helps me is getting out every morning, going to bed with them at 7.30pm once a week, not doing much housework, and eating biscuits, to the detriment of my waist!

Thanks to you all for replying to my post. I went to the GP and she just prescribed anti depressants. I am anxious and a little tearful at the moment but that's how I respond to being tired unfortunately.

I was at a low ebb earlier in the week following first DD1 then DD2 getting pox and hardly seeing anyone for weeks. Me and DH were feeling really viral too. After a week of early nights and recovering children I feel so much better.

Thanks for the sympathy and advice.

Glad to hear you're feeling better.

You said that the tiredness has been going on for months, I think maybe it's worth going back to the GP and getting her to rule out a physical cause while you're feeling a bit stronger. If you're constantly tired it's possible that there's a physical cause and if so, your lazy GP should be looking for it.

Agree you should get back to your GP, especially if you don't feel the anti-depressants are the right thing, or they don't help.

I cope by a) drinking too much coffee (not BFing any more), and b) trying to get outside and have some exercise, no matter how knackered I feel.

Hope you continue to improve.

Please get your GP to check your thyroid levels. I coped with unbelieveable over-tiredness that was put down to depresssion with DS1 for over a year. Then when the feelings returned with DS2 and I was certain I was not depressed, the GP did a thyroid blood test and it was found that I had a post-natal thyroid condition which I had probably had first time too. It made such a difference to me to know that I wasn't just not able to cope but my body was out of kilter. It's a simple blood test and this condition gets missed or misdiagnosed as depression often.

I think I'm going to try a different GP for a second opinion. I tried the anti depressant as GP said it would help me sleep. It made me feel horribly hung over and 10x worse so I gave up after 2 days. I was a complete bitch to DH this morning and I'm so stressed about returning to work. Not because I'll miss the baby, which I will of course, but because I don't know how I will cope with the work in this state. I have been doing lots of brisk walking when DD1 is at pre-school which helps. I go out every day even if just to the shops or swing park with DD1.

So back to GP it is. Thanks ladies. I've been feeling pathetic for not being on top of things lately.

Anti depressants aren't a fix all though they may work if you really are depressed. I was on them for years but after having my LO I find walking 5 miles a day with pram or with her in baby carrier is a good pick me up. I'd suggest you avoid caffeine completely as it only buggers up our natural sleep/awake times and also knackers up your hormones. Try to avoid high carb high sugar snacks completely too. All they do is give you quick sugar fix then a massive crash which means you feel shattered by the afternoon and crave more sweet things getting into a sugar fix-crash-sugar fix cycle which is difficult to break. Eating good food regularly will help - make sure you eat protein at every meal and drink plenty of water esp if you are breast feeding at all. Take a good multi-vitamin and mineral supplement - i use Pregnacare breastfeeding (They are meant for all post-natal women, not just bf-ing ones!). I am very run down myself at the moment after a 12 day cold and I lack energy. My LO is 7 months and I'm BF-ing (she wont take a bottle so I always have) and still trying to do a 50 mile cycle ride once a week and go swimming twice a week plus walking every day, so I know what you mean about how tiring it can be.

Do go to baby groups if you feel alone. I personally don't rate them but that isn't my main problem. My main problem, and one that gets me down, is getting enough exercise - I have no childcare other than my partner (who works full time), plus the wonderful creche at the local council run swimming pool. I did try going to the velodrome in the evenings but that buggers up LO's feeds/bath and bed routine so I can't really do it for a few years. If you need to excerise I'd suggest a buggy walk (see if there are any organised ones in your area) and/or get a pair of walking boots and a good child carrier and do proper walks to country pubs etc. There is a local group who do 3 hour walks with pub stop mid-way which is ideal for me with LO. Or ask at your local pool/gym whether they have a creche. My local council one is good and we benefit from swim and crehce discount as we are on tax credits.

Have a look at some of the information on the Woman to Woman website - yes they are trying to sell you something but ignore that - the advice there is actually very sound. www.womentowomen.com/ Anti depressants may only teat some of the symptoms (it doesn't mean you should simply stop taking them) but they may not address the root problems, so it's worth trying a more holisitc approach.

I dont know if it is relevent to you but I remember feeling very similar when my dds were the same age. One thing that made a differance was changing my contraception. I was using Depo provera . Stopping this and changing back on to my previous oral pill, helped me feel much calmer and less tired. It was only when I stopped it that I realies that it had given me 9 months of PMT.

Hi I realise this is a historical 9 year old thread but if anybody is still around did it get better? Your children will be alot older now. I have a baby and toddler and suffering from exhaustion so i need hope!!