6 year old expressing fear of dying and getting upset - been going on for about six months now.

[Spero]

I wondered if anyone else has experienced this and if so, what did you do?

My six year old for about the last six months has been saying at least once a week that she is afraid of dying. Last night she got very upset and cried, saying she was afraid that it would be like lying in the dark for ever.

I remember getting slightly alarmed by the thought of death at her age, but it wasn't very intense and didn't last very long.

I have tried to talk about it with her and not sweep it under the carpet. I am not religious but have said that some people believe that when you die you go to a place where you are very happy and other people believe different things. Unfortunately I think I have made it worse by confusing her as I don't think she is old enough to take this kind of thing on board.

She is saying things like she only enjoys school because it stops her thinking about death.

I haven't been too worried about it as in every other respect she is fine; eats, sleeps well, enjoys her friends and activities. But the tears last night worried me.

Would it be a good idea to think of a child psychologist? Or do I run the risk of making it worse by turning it into a Big Thing?

Hi there

My ds is 5 and we have been getting questions about death. I am not sure the best way to handle it. I always thought honesty was best so when my ds asked if everyone dies I replied 'yes one day'. He got very upset about the thought of his daddy dying and asked if he would come back to life like one of his favourite cartoon characters does in a film he likes.

I am not religious either but do remember finding great comfort in the idea of heaven when I first realised about death.

It is a difficult one so will watch this with interest

Your dd is a bit older than my ds so is maybe at the next stage of understanding, which with it brings more uncertainty. I wouldn't worry too much if she is eating and sleeping okay. I think it is a natural process and she will just need a bit more support and reassurance.

I like the idea that all our atoms become part of something else so wondered whether to tell ds this but like you wondered if telling him what all the different beliefs are.

Thanks Lysithia - I am worried that I have just made it worse and more confusing by attempting to explain that different people believe different things; we had a bit of a discussion about reincarnation and she said she would like us to come back as ponies running across a field together!

She was upset at first at the idea that death happens at all but I couldn't see any point in avoiding that one and just told her that everything that lives must die at some point.

So I think she has accepted that but has moved on to being afraid about what death actually involves. I was quite upset by how she was feeling last night; it does sound horrible to imagine death as being in the dark for ever.

How long has this been an issue for your ds?

I think it is normal for her age.My dd is also 6 and she is worrying about similar things.Not helped by being told by a TA that she "was lucky to have a mummy and daddy" (as hers were DEAD, thanks TA).Last night she was in tears because she doesn't want me to "get grey hair,or wrinkles" as i'm 47 that one made me wince.I think they are really understanding what death means now,and it is painful and upsetting,even for adults its hard to get to grips with it. sounds like you are dealing with it fine to me.

Hellymelly, at least she is worried about future wrinkles/grey hairs, not (as my dd does) helpfully pointing out all the present ones in case I've missed them...

It is odd how the thought of dying doesn't seem to bother you as you get older? or is that just me? I remember asking my mum when I was about 6 why she wasn't scared and she just shrugged and said you aren't scared when you get older.

thanks for your responses, I won't go overboard just yet, I will see how she goes.

Hi, my ds has been slightly preoccupied by this as well, my partners dad died last september and ds seemed to take it on the chin at the time as he had only met him a few times.
It did seem to take a few months before he started talking about it, he did say he was very sad one day, when i asked why, he said that it was because he would miss me when HE died !!!
I explained to him that little boys do not die (wrong I know) but old people, so he asked if I was going to die (im 36!), I said that he would be as old as I am and have his own children before I died, so he would be old then as well but not old enough to die as gran is still alive.
I know its factually incorrect as people can die at anytime, but I thought that this would be too much for him to take on board, he is 6 as well btw.
It seems to have put his mind at rest anyway, well for the moment!

Yes I told my ds that daddy wouldn't die until he was an old, old man. I couldn't bear to tell him that anyone can die at any age.

It is hard to know how honest and blunt to be isn't it.

Ah well next it will be the birds and the bees

I've put a post on the 'oversensitive worrier' post that someone else made in the Parenting section that may help:

Hi there, I don't have kids but I can speak from experience of being one of those oversensitive worriers. I worried about death since I was about 5 years old and it got worse when I was a teenager (to the point I was crying every other night about death). I still to this day worry about it at times. I have difficult anxiety and through the years I have had to find my own ways to cope. Is he worse at night?

I found distraction was key to the death issue, and still is. There is never going to be a clear cut answer to give him because none of us really know what happens after we die. If he has started thinking about it when he is alone at night in bed (when scary thoughts sometimes take over) then perhaps a little bit of soothing music or a story on cd before bed could help. Also reassuring him that he is not alone may help when he is older, that there will always be a support network out there because we all lose someone we love and it's one thing we as humans all have in common. There is also a book: www.amazon.co.uk/Badgers-Parting-Gifts-Susan-Varley/dp/0862640628/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1300990161&sr=8-2 which I have been told is good about explaining death.

He seems to be clinging to you a bit, like he is so afraid to lose you. Does he do things with other children? Have many friends? Pushing him to do a few things like sports clubs or art clubs could help? You aren't there with him but you are there to come home to or pick him up.

It's not easy when you feel consumed by these scary thoughts. I found it hardest at night and found that having a boyfriend helped immensely when they stayed over because they were a distraction and I could talk to them when I was worried. My fiance has to put up with my problems now :p I know your son may be a little young for a relationship though :p

Have you heard of worry dolls? You tell them your worries and put them in your bag and in a way they do help because you voice your worries and somehow they seem smaller afterwards.

Something else I was told that the more worrying I do about death, the less I spend my life 'living'. We have no idea what will happen at the end so instead of spending hours worrying about death, we should instead do something we enjoy. Don't know if that will help, maybe when she is older x

Thanks Enchantica, that is a good post, very helpful.

Hiya, I too have been plagued with fears of dying from a young age and again is something I have only gotten under control since having someone steady to share it with. It is always worse by night I found especially as you slip into the dozey near dream stage. My parents used a quick cuddle and distraction. Pick a nice story or idea that you are happy to stick with and give consistent simple answers. Heaven is extremely comforting to smallies as is the idea that you will all be together there eventually. My dad died last year and my 4 yr old has started with all the questions. There is also a good book about a waterbug/dragon fly that is easy for children.
Also someone explained to me recently that death, in some form or other, is at the root of all worries and fears. Things changing, ending, leaving etc. So maybe at the moment she might actually be stressed about something else?
I chat with my wee man before bed everynight lately and we plan what we are going to dream about - adventures etc! This seems to have worked for him. I was told the only antidote to death is life! So filling his head with bold dreams instead! Best of luck.

that's very interesting MammyG,as my dds anxieties generally seem to date back to a couple of deaths within our family and neighbours. I've never heard it put quite like that before.