My ds 5 is driving me mad with bad behaviour - help!

[lysithia]

DS is 5 and normally pleasant to be with and well mannered. Recently we have hit a spell of awful behaviour. This includes silly behaviour which escalates into really irritating rudeness. He has become quite physical and keeps bashing into furniture and people. He is being cheeky and at times angry, even towards his beloved Granny.

Now it seems this behaviour is triggered to some extent by his little sister who is only 22 months. When he is on his own, he will play fine. With her he gets rough and silly and the other day it culminated in him dislocating her elbow and a trip to A&E - it wasn't done maliciously and he did get a fright but needless to say I was furious.

What is worrying me is that usually any phases of bad behaviour don't last long and we could get through to him with patience, consistency and love. Now he just seems not to listen at all and I find myself threatening withdrawal of pocket money and other punishments because I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't really believe in conditions as I don't want him to behave just to avoid punishment but to be the great little lad I know he is.

Today after he pushed over his sister who is still recovering from her injury I just lost it and carried him up the stairs roughly and put him in his room and slammed the door shut, I also really screeched at him . This is not usual for me and I know I had lost control but I am really struggling to know what is the best strategy when he just won't listen and even laughs at me when I try to explain firmly but calmly

Any tips gratefully received. What has happened to my lovely ds?

My DS is exactly the same - worse when he's tired.

Bathtimes are always the worse for hyper rudeness and silly behaviour. It drives me mad.

Apparently they get a testosterone surge around now so that may go some way to explain it.

No real tips, although I find shouting does no good at all (although it doesn't stop me from doing it). What does work is telling him I don't want to speak to him until he can talk to me nicely - leave the room if necessary.

ah thanks leplan. It helps to know I am not the only one (although don't want to wish it on anyone)

I find I am getting more shouty and you are right it doesn't help. The testosterone surge rings true. I noticed my ds looked broader and leaner in the bath and I can almost sense this pent up energy needing to be released

I am hoping the better weather will help. Get him out and make him run around

snap - absolutely the same here, very odd. My DS 4 almost 5, is wonderful on his own (he has 2 brothers, 3 and 1) but when they're together its like a battle to calm them down.
He shows off a lot when out with other friends with kids or if we have visitors. Rough and tumble is normal with our boys, so physically they are quite rough, but never needed a&e.
The most baffling time was when he was really rude to his Gran. (my mom) it really upset me.
I do snap sometimes, you're normal please don't worry.

I think its hard to remember that they are so young, only been with us for 4 or 5 years, thats nothing. I presume your DS has started school and i think sometimes i personally expect a lot from him, when really he has gone through such a major step in his life.

The better weather has already helped my boys, they've played wonderfully in the garden today. I am, in the last week attempting to be less shouty (not easy) and more praising of the good, and when he's naughty I am removing him from where we are playing. naughty step etc.
I am not good at being consistent.
A reward chart helped for a couple of weeks, but doesn't work forever.

hope things improve for you x x x

My ds doesn't start school until August as we are in Scotland. He goes to pre school but tbh I think he is ready for school. Well in that I hope it will wear him out a bit, stimulate him and he will run around a lot at play time!

This is a new phase and previously I was devastated at the thought of him going to school, now I can't wait

Diddle I find a lot of the behaviour starts when he is with his wee sister. On his own he is much better too. I think it may be a bit of jealousy (she is at that very cute starting to talk stage).

Nice weather here too so I plan to chuck him outside after pre school!

Have you considered asking your GP for a referral to a child psychologist? They'd be able to get to the root of the problem and advise you on what needs to be done to correct the behaviour. I know a lot of people think child psychs are only for real problem kids, but they're really there to help parents/schools understand behaviour and to help address the underlying problems that cause it.

Lysie, rather than turn to doctors, I recommend reading 21st Century Boys.

It's great at making you see that this isn't a problem to be solved or c

Conquered, but energies to be channelled in more productive ways.

It may be that as DD gets more active/talkative he is resenting the attention she gets and is jealous. Try doing something with him on his own that he likes while someone else looks after dd (if you can manage this - otherwise what about half an hour after she has gone to bed?), take him out somewhere, make lego models together whatever. You might even institute some weekly son & mum time?

sarahfreck I think that is exactly part of the problem and I do unserstand that. Tonight we played some games when dd was in bed.

Elenstone I think a child psychologist is a bit extreme. I would like to say that I don't see him as a problem child and I don't want to sound so negative about him. I think he is a great and typical wee boy. I am just finding it tough at the moment. I love him to bits but I use mumsnet to have a moan.

Sorry if it sounded like I was suggesting he was a problem child, that definitely wasn't my intention. What I was trying to say is that we tend to avoid seeing professionals unless there's a really intense problem when what they're really there for is to provide advice on any behaviour that's causing a problem for the child/parents and having an effect on their relationship. My DS is fantastic, but I still find that knowing what's proven to work and what isn't comes in really handy when it comes to managing his behaviour or supporting him through hard times. Each to their own though, only you know what's best for you and your family.

okay sorry I was probably being a bit touchy

I will keep that in mind though

I am going through exactly the same thing with DS1 who has just turned 4 (also have DS2 who is 23 months). Rudeness, aggression, backchat, sulking, whinging and generally acting like a stroppy teenager! He has had a huge growth spurt so the testosterone thing makes sense.

He is good as gold at preschool and when DS2 isn't around - I'm sure some of it is attention-seeking, so I'm trying to make sure that he gets some one-on-one time with me or DH at the weekends. Physical exercise helps up to a point but not if it tips into overtiredness (went to the park after playschool today and his behaviour was awful!).

Anyway I do lose my rag from time to time but try my hardest to stay calm but firm. He does have days where he's absolutely lovely and even when he's being rotten I still tell him I love him but don't like the behaviour. He starts school in September and actually I think the structure and routine will do him the world of good.

So no magic answers I'm afraid but lots of sympathy and I find a big glass of wine after bedtime helps :)

Don't worry about it lysithia, before I studied psychology my response to it was exactly the same. It's only since I've started using what I've learned on DS that I've been an advocate, before that I would have responded exactly the same way.

Good luck .. and I second the idea about the glass of wine, sometimes the only thing you can do to have any effect on a kids behaviour is to do whatever it takes to stay calm and in control yourself (or at least to give them that impression!)