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Original poster

Help me think of an appropriate punishment for DD

15 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 23/03/2011 17:29

DD is nearly 10 (birthday this weekend).

I have spent the day doing a big spring clean which included moving various toys/games of DD's from the sitting room and into her bedroom. Something which I'd warned her I was going to do and I have been nagging her for a few days to make a start on her crap in the room and she hadn't.

So she comes home from school and finds everything in a neat pile on her bed and goes nuts. Telling me I've made her bedroom a mess and that I have to tidy it up 'cos I made the mess.

I pointed out calmly I hadn't made the mess but had moved her mess and actually put it into neat piles for her to sort. At this point I'm doing the laundry, she stomps off.

Two minutes later I find her in the front room flinging cushions about and scattering a pile of books across the floor. So I march her upstairs and put her in her bedroom and tell her she's to stay in there.

10 minutes later I hear a thump from upstairs and go up. She's on the landing and shouts something about my bedroom being a mess, etc, etc. Now it is normally a bit of a tip and I thought thats what she meant. I told her I didn't care about my bedroom but she was to go back in her room. She then says she'll tidy my room if I tidy hers.

I go upstairs and she's trashed my bedroom. Emptied my make up box all over the bed. Scattered the ironing pile across the floor. Pulled books off the shelves, pulled the duvet off the bed.

I've made her tidy it all up. Told her that I'm more disappointed with her than I've ever been in my life and that if it wasn't for it being unfair on the other kids i'd be cancelling her party this weekend. She's now in her bedroom for the rest of the evening and is tidying her own room up as I type. She's crying and has said sorry and offered me the contents of her piggy bank which I've refused.

I know she really doesn't deserve the party and DH will want to cancel it if I tell him - but its nto fair on the other kids. Is tidying it all up and the evening in her room enough? Oh and she's getting a new Wii game for her birthday - maybe I'll ban her from the Wii for a week as well!!!!!!

Aggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh.

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baskingseals · 23/03/2011 20:14

i think she's done the time for the crime by tidying up the mess she made in your room.

if i were you i would leave it there.

would you be pleased if she tidied up your room the way you tidied up hers?
or would you feel that your privacy had been slightly invaded?

hope you're both feeling better now, and enjoy the party

TheVisitor · 23/03/2011 20:18

At 10 years old, I think there do need to be some consequences on top of her clearing up her mess as she's given you a totally shitty attitude too. How about a few days grounding? I would also be inclined to cancel the party for that behaviour. It may seem harsh, but she's been completely out of order.

2cats2many · 23/03/2011 20:19

Well, I have to say I think I would have gone completely bonkers if I'd been in your shoes, so well done for keeping your cool.

I can see why you are thinking of cancelling the party? What is her behaviour generally like? Is this a one off or does she pull stunts like this often?

If this is a one off, I'd be inclined to accept her apology and leave it at that. If she does this kind of thing all the time, maybe it is time to apply some tougher sanctions. Does she get pocket money? Maybe you could take that away for a few weeks instead?

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moogalicious · 23/03/2011 20:24

If it's a one off what baskingseals said. She's apologised, tidied your room and hers.

Agree with tougher sanctions if not. Maybe she only gets pocket money or wii if she's good. A reward for good behaviour, rather than being punished iyswim.

I think cancelling her party is a bit extreme.

abbierhodes · 23/03/2011 20:28

I can see your point that cancelling the party affects others, but cancelling the Wii game doesn't. I think I'd be witholding her present until she proved she deserved it.

Roo83 · 23/03/2011 21:53

I don't think you should cancel the party or withold her present/ban the wii. It's her birthday, and regardless of behaviour that should be a special day for her! If she's generally well behaved I'd leave things as they are, if this is an incident in a long string I'd do something unrelated to her birthday

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 23/03/2011 22:00

She is generally good but has got a tendancy to fly off the handle sometimes. She's been in her room all evening with no TV and was feeling very sorry about everything. So will leave it at that. Thanks for the advice.

I've given her a big talk that if she ever does something like this again there will be lots of trouble.

I don't think I did invade her privacy by the way, I simply moved some stuff of hers that was in the sitting room (and shouldn't have been there) into her bedroom. It was quite a big pile of stuff so she was cross as she said I'd cluttered her room up.

OP posts:

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 23/03/2011 22:00

The was for Dd thinking I'd cluttered her room up by the way.

OP posts:

baskingseals · 23/03/2011 22:14

no - i don't think you invaded her privacy, but she might have done, which might explain the outburst.

i'm on your side.

Original poster

VivaLeBeaver · 23/03/2011 22:18

I don't she thought that. She was pissed and shouting at me to put the stuff in her bedroom away. I was explaining that wasn't my job - her stuff/her bedroom she can put it away. She was ranting that I'd put it there so I had to put it away. I was trying and failing to get her to understand that I'd only put it there because she hadn't moved it from the sitting room. I guess in her view though I'd made a mess of her room - scary 9yo logic maybe.

OP posts:

baskingseals · 23/03/2011 22:32

have also found with 9yo girls that they don't like it if they have to admit that they are less than perfect.

ie she was probably pissed off with herself for not moving her stuff and didn't appreciate you pointing that out to her, by moving it yourself.

they are truly strange creatures

Tras · 23/03/2011 22:43

Why don't you ask her what she thinks she could do to repair the relationship? Sometimes that can make them think more about what has happened. She is obviously ashamed of what happened and knows she was out of order and has tried to repair the damage in her own way. At this stage it is more important to teach her alternative ways of dealing with anger.

Talk her through the incident
ask her to explain in her own words what happened
connect her feelings to her actions
talk about your feelings and how it made you feel
talk about future situations when something could occur again that will make her angry.

encourage her to suggest alternative ways of dealing with/coping with her frustration.

I don't think that more punishments will get that point across any more than you have already done.

You did well. Good luck!

exoticfruits · 23/03/2011 22:50

I agree 100% with Tras.

abbierhodes · 23/03/2011 22:59

Just to add, if the make-up or the duvet are damaged, I think I would let her pay for them. Especially as she has offered.

ElenStone · 24/03/2011 16:33

Punishing kids more after the fact tends to create more problems - lots of studies have found that for punishment to be effective it needs to be immediate, otherwise they're not really associating the punishment with whatever they've done and are likely to resent you for it and misbehave more.

I'd say with that kind of behaviour you need to nip it in the backside earlier on in the cycle. First of all, try talking to her about how she feels from the outset, look at it from her perspective and try to understand why she's frustrated. Then explain your point of view and why you felt you needed to do whatever it is you've done that's set her off. Don't get drawn into a long "yeah but, no but" conversation with her though. Simply discuss, explain and point out at the end why what you're asking is reasonable. At that point, if she throws things everywhere, make her clean them up immediately. If she refuses, ban her from the Wii for the day. If she still refuses, ground her. Make it very clear to her that you can keep imposing sanctions and it'd be in her interest to co-operate sooner, rather than later. But make the sanctions ones that make an impact on her that day, such as grounding, losing the wii, no tv, early bedtime etc ... so the effects are instant.

After a while she'll start associating the behaviour with the consequences and you should start seeing some changes. In the meantime, a few deep breaths and a glass of wine can work wonders.

Good luck :)

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