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Original poster

Help. My boys are driving me insane

16 replies

savagebishop · 22/03/2011 19:47

I have a 21 month old and a 3.5 year old, both boys, and am a SAHM. I am at my wits end with them because they won't play anything together. Everything is fine if one is asleep, or the older one at nursery - but when they are both together at home they constantly whine and fight and compete for my attention. I ping pong from one the other and no-one is happy. Seems to have gotten worse recently. I can't wait for them to go to bed most nights - which is sad because I had a lot of trouble having them and, if not quite miracles, they are pretty close.

Eating, sleeping and watching Cbeebies are their only common denominators!

Can any one help? What have you done with a similar age gap? Are there games they can play together, or activities that they can share?

Any suggestions gratefully received.

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BeenBeta · 22/03/2011 20:04

No they can't play together at that age. They need to be kept apart as soon as they start niggeling.

Also boys need a lot of excercise. Soft play areas and swimming in toddler pools were our lives for the first three years of our life with DS1 and DS2.

MrBloomEatsVeggies · 22/03/2011 20:13

Agree with BeenBeta. My two are approx the same age as yours. DS2 wants to play but DS1 hasn't got time for him and tolerates him at best, despite my efforts to get them to play together. It's sad to see sometimes.

The only 'family' game that is ever relatively successful is catch with a soft ball, where we take it in turns. I feel your pain

quickchat · 22/03/2011 20:46

I have a 3.10 yr old DS and 15 month old DD and I am like a referee too.

My DD wants to play with all of his cars, trains etc and he just wants her moved to another country .

I used to try and MAKE him like her but I give up and have resorted to

Moving all of their toys into their own rooms and not in boxes in the livingroom.
Only allowing whatever he/she chooses and making them put them back (well not DD, I put it back) before the next lot come out. I find that if there are lots of toys around, all hell errupts.
Decide my rules and stick rigidly to them so - You cannot grab/take a toy from one anothers hand weather it's yours or not. You have to wait until the other is finished.

If there is say, a set of scoobie doo buses coming out, he cannot possibly play with all 4 buses at once so he has to be willing to share or they go back. I find if the rule is said to him in the first place, this avoids him launching himself from the corner of the room to karate kick her head because she has picked up a bus.

make a point of giving the little one the same rules out loud even though she is busy eating a mouldy find from behind the sofa and not listening to a word. Then I stick around to make sure she doesn't ie. lift a train from the track or knock down his toy soldiers, I lift her away.

It's exhausting but it seems to have calmed things down a bit.

I also find that if I take them out to a softplay or something where there is space, they sometimes vaguely like each other!

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3littlefrogs · 22/03/2011 20:52

TBH it is completely unreasonable to expect them to play together. They are behaving normally.

The only thing to do is to take them out - loads of outdoor play and exercise. Also, if you can get together with friends with dc the same age you can swap them round so that one friend minds the younger ones while the other runs races, plays football etc with the older ones.

My boys were 2.5 years apart and they really couldn't play together until they were over the age of 7.

3littlefrogs · 22/03/2011 20:53

Mine are grown up now and are really close, good pals. (If that is any comfort )

Original poster

savagebishop · 22/03/2011 20:58

Thanks for your comments. It seems like outdoors and strict policing is the way forward! Of course I do both anyway - but it still gets difficult. Nice to know that these problems are similar to others. A relief really.

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mummyosaurus · 22/03/2011 21:02

I look after my nephew 4 days a week, 4 mths between him and my DS.

My top tip was to start each day with a few stories on the sofa, to set the tone for a calmer day. Seemed to work on them.

Also if they fought, I would just protect the one who was upset (usually my nephew), would usually take him into the kitchen with me. Didn't tell big one off, sort of active ignoring. Took about two weeks but he got fed up of fighting to get attention.

Agree with the lots of exercise tip. Also agree they do sound pretty normal. People tell me boys are easier than girls as teenagers (I have older DD so not sure why that comforts me).

There have been a couple of periods where I thought I'd have to stop having DN as the fighting was so bad, but we worked through it. They are 4 and almost 4 now and get on really well, only occasional upsets. So, for us, it got lots better. And they go to school in September...

baskingseals · 22/03/2011 21:02

have an almost identical age gap. ds1 is 3.6 and ds2 is 19mths.

the only time they play together is if i pretend to be a monster and chase them, they both find this hysterical.

getting a double sheet and throwing it over the top of them is also a winner.

anything involving toys is a recipe for disaster.

they quite like dancing, but have to be in the right mood.

bascially i need to be involved in every interaction they have.

oooh the hours just fly by.......

Original poster

savagebishop · 22/03/2011 21:20

What ends up happening is that I might read a book with one and then play a game with another. Often the one I am not playing with is complaining, or has hurt himself in the mean time. They do not like to play together (with or without me refereeing) and they don't like the other one playing with me on their own either. Grrr

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lysithia · 22/03/2011 21:30

I have a ds aged 5 and dd aged 22 months. I feel your pain, I have been worn down recently. I don't really expect them to play together but it is hard going. Today my ds was pulling my dd arm through the bars of her cot and dislocated her elbow. I spent most of the day in A&E.

I have been on and on at him about rough play. He is not malicious and doesn't do it on purpose but he forgets that he is a big, tall and strapping 5 yr old and she is only a tot

Orangeflower7 · 22/03/2011 22:46

Oh, it is reassuring to read this as is so familiar. My two boys are now 5 and 2.4, they are vaguely JUST starting to play a little together and for the first time I have been able to read them a picture book without the younger getting really possessive and pushing his older brother off my lap. It's like 'my mummy!' all the time, i start to feel like a toy they are fighting over. So exhausting. My friend (who has any only child same age as my older DS) says 'oh but ds would love a sibling, he'd never be like that, yes ' and I'd been feeling a little down, just a bit tired but can see clearly that poor older ds actually needs protecting a lot of the time from his toddler brother who just wants anything he has (wants the pencil he writes with, gives him no space) I think I need to meet up with more mums of two!

emmanumber3 · 22/03/2011 22:51

This reminds me of how my boys used to be :-) The good news is that now, at 13 & 11, they get along better - it's been a gradual thing but it's all normal as far as my experiences go :-)

Orangeflower7 · 22/03/2011 23:12

Do you think it is the age of the younger that makes the difference? I know they can't really play together till they are about 2.5 or 3. Maybe when the youngest starts getting to that age it will be easier as can share a bit more, communicate more and join in.

mummyosaurus · 23/03/2011 10:56

Orangeflower I think you are right, there is an age when it gets better from there on, and I think about 2.5 is it !

I also found the book Siblings without rivalry very helpful with the infighting. Really affirmed that what was happening was normal and gave strategies to help.

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 23/03/2011 11:14

Actually we were talking about this last night and DD1 who is 12 said "Do you remember when I used to fight with DS all the time? Have you noticed that we are actually getting on much better now"

The DS in question is 19!

So it does get better when they get older

Orangeflower7 · 25/03/2011 00:07

Hi again Savagebishop, hope it it going ok and you are a bit reassured. Just remembered what my friend and i did at that aga...basically the older one (3.5) went to nursery in the mornings with the 3 yr old funding, then, the younger one had a nap while the older one watched tv had some time with mum, then went out for the rest of the day. Without fail...and we are both people who went with the flow a bit in terms of routine with one child...it seemed to really help,

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