Why is this so hard?

[peacenow]

I need help with my relationship with my oldest dd (11), basically as am v.short of time I cannot stand her at times, even her presence makes my blood boil & my heart beat faster. There I've said it, please don 't judge me too harshly. There are so many things about her that I find hso hard to accept. Will be back later but I have to improve my relationship with her before it gets permanently ruined

I find this with my dd (who is only 6). There are times when I really do not like her. When I feel like this, I think of the people who I would like to parent like and try to act as much like them as possible - say the things they would say and do what they would do. It is all an act, but it helps me move past the difficult situations. (Of course there are the times when I just shout, but figured that solution would probably not help!)

I think that everyone has times when they don't much like their DC. How many DCs do you have? I think that it might help if you had time for the 2 of you alone to go out and have fun. Look for the positive and work on it.

I have 2 other dd's who are both younger than her. My relationship with them is much easier & more positive. My eldest just seems so angry all the time and never has a pleasant word to say about anything. Sometimes I just can't bear to be in the same room as her which then makes me feel so guilty. She is very high maintenance & at times I do find it so hard to see the positive in her.

Im sorry to ask this but does she see anger or negitivity?

Maybe you or your partner react in an angry manner when you are upset or are negitive about things? Kids just mimic us really don't they?

Im not judging you. I have 2 and my eldest Dc can really get on my goat and last week, all week I felt like I didn't like him. I know what you mean, id just look at him and he'd annoy me.

I just thought that maybe if you understand where she is coming from you more you'd feel less irratated by her.

She probably picks up the vibes from you and this is why she acts up so much. (this is my theory on my DS anyway).

I agree with spending time alone with her doing nice things together.
It may take more than one outing if there is built up resentment there then chances are the first outing could end in disaster but presevere. You don't want her growing up feeling she was less loved than her younger sisters.

I hope this doesn't sound like im being horrible to you. Im honestly trying to be constructive. I feel for you because I know how it feels.

I took DS out on a picnic (without his sister) and we (eventually) had a lovely time. It reminded me of nicer times and his good side. It also broke the cycle of him acting up, me shouting, him acting up.

Good luck, hope you get somewhere with her.

Thankyou quickchat for your honest words, I really do think you could be right. I just need to try & find ways of breaking the cycle.

It is very easy to get into a negative spiral. I used to go out of the room, count to ten and go back and find something positive to say-it often changed the whole atmosphere.
Try and do things with her when she is good (it is easy to ignore when all is well) -some DCs like any attention and will get it by bad behaviour if no other way.
I know one very trying DD who admitted to her mother that she didn't really care what sort of attention-the one thing she couldn't stand was being ignored.

is she more like you in personality than the other two?

are you seeing parts of yourself that you don't particularly like reflected in her and just annoys the pants off you?

i only ask because i have 3dc, one dd and two boys. the boys drive me absolutely potty, but they don't wind me up the way dd does, and it's taken me a long time to realise that the behaviour that i can't handle is what i don't like about myself, eg - she's over dramatic - guess what so am i

it might not be the same with you, but perhaps worth having a think about.

fwiw i find dd easier now as i understand my frustration is more with myself than her