Do I really know best?

[Chooster]

DS1 is 6 and a lovely wee boy, although he can be a little bit sensitive and perhaps not that confident. He's a real outdoors boy and loves running around and playing out with his friends but a few of them are becoming increasingly more into football. And I know from helping at the school that messing about with a football is what most boys do in their break time.

Ds doesn't want to do football classes and I think its a fear of getting hurt or of making a fool of himself as he says he's rubbish. I was watching him today doing a football session at school and he came up to me a bit upset as he said all the other boys were better than him. I know I could make him go to lessons but he would whinge and moan and say he doesn't want to do it. BUT I think a few lessons and practice will build his confidence (I hope!) and then whether he plays it a lot or not, when he does he wont feel the odd one out.

I know this is not the biggest issue in the world () but are there times when you just need to go with your instinct and try to help them to help themselves - If you see what I mean??? Or should I just let him be and find his own thing that he likes and enjoys?

I think I'd be inclined to agree with you and encourage him to play. My ds isnt quite 3 yet but is already starting to get the concept of winning/people being better or worse than him at things so i can understand a little how your son must be feeling. If your ds doesn't want to do lessons could your partner or a close friend take him to the park a few times for a kick around to build his confidence up? I know kids love older children, so if there's a family friend thats a bit older could he be coaxed into helping your ds?

Hope you don't mind me adding that my son who is now 13 has never really been into football. I used to feel almost as though I had failed him somehow as I am a single parent and he didnt have the whole 'father/son playing football in the park' times. When he was a lot younger, I sometimes wondered if I should have done more to encourage football.

From my son's primary school experience, there did seem to be a few die hard football fans but also lots of other kids who managed to entertain themselves with other outdoor games. However I can say now it really hasn't been a big deal and he has grown into a confident teen with a whole range of friends who he shares different interests with.

I'd say let him choose activities he's good at and encourage him to do well at those, struggling on with something that impacts on his self-esteem can have really negative effects. Plus, if your response to him telling you he feels uncomfortable with doing something is to make him do it, that may impact on your relationship and he may not come to you with problems in the future.

Mine wasn't into football, we tried a few classes and it never sat well ... he's brilliant at lots of other things though. I think sometimes we forget that kids are all individuals with their own ideas, beliefs and interests and just because something is the norm doesn't mean they'll be into it or good at it any more than the existence of fashion means all women are fashionistas. Encourage him to be an individual and to be comfortable with his choices and with who he is, IMO that's the best support any parent can give.

Thanks - I think you are right about just letting him find his own way, after all he is only 6. Its just I can see how left out he feels on his face but I think some kick abouts with me and his dad (and brothers) will probably be enough to see if he is more interested.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

That's a good idea, it might also help him build his confidence.

Best of luck :)

Just wanted to say im a primary school teacher and have worked in over 40 schools on supply. Few few school boys are not playing football at breaktime and have always thought if I had a boy Id make an `effort to get him to understand it and have a few skills despite hating it myself. I think playing a bit with dad or cousins etc would help him at school. Best of luck

A lot of studies have shown that conformity to gender norms has negative effects on boys educational achievement. Given the long term importance of a good education I'd say if he can cope with being different to his peers, having that independence may help him when he gets older and the norms are based around challenging authority and underachieving. I'd say the best thing you can do is decide what's best for him as an individual, rather than as a boy.

Thanks - interesting about the non-conforming thing... I'm not a 'boys must do football" type at all... but I do want to help him make his school life as easy as possible for him... maybe I'm over thinking it and he was only upset because i was watching? Thanks all again x

It's possible he's picking up on your concern and interpreting it as disappointment ... kids are fairly sensitive to the moods of parents and they start to understand gender roles as early as two years. I'm sure a bit of kicking a ball around and having a laugh will help him see that there's no pressure and that you'll love him and support him in whatever he chooses to do.