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Is there a book for partners of phd students to tell them how hard it bloody is and that we need support?

24 replies

notremotelyintofootie · 21/03/2011 00:05

title says it all I guess...

I am so fed up of dh not giving me respect for what I do, I'm sure he thinks it's not proper work and doesn't have a clue about how hard the last year is going to be!

He keeps suggesting I don't need my workspace at home and yet also reckons we dont need to pay for childcare... How the f does he think I can put in 35 hours minimum a week then????

Arghhhh

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MatureUniStudent · 21/03/2011 07:36

Is he threatened? My ex would have been. That I might be smarter than him?

Socy · 21/03/2011 11:19

I think the problem is in calling ourselves 'students' - students are seen as doing very little and having at least 4 months off over the summer Grin. I have had enormous problems explaining to my family that I do not get 'summer holidays' (or any holidays really) and have to work all the time in order to write a thesis as well as teach (necessary to build up my cv) and apply for jobs etc. I hate 'student' because really we aren't - we don't, generally, attend classes or write essays, it's more like an apprenticeship or something maybe Hmm?

moonbells · 21/03/2011 11:24

in the meantime, have a laugh or three.
www.phdcomics.com/

I wish I'd read this when in my final year!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Ephiny · 21/03/2011 12:24

I agree the 'student' label is misleading (though I do like the student discounts and tax-free pay so won't complain too much!). People imagine it's like they remember from being an undergrad, which it really isn't! Many of us are doing essentially the same job as the postdocs in our group, while having to write up a thesis on top of doing our research and trying to publish papers, and maybe assisting our supervisors with tutoring and marking work. 'PhD researcher' is maybe better?

I'm enjoying my PhD and love the lifestyle and enviroment, but it's definitely not an easy option! Fortunately DP did a PhD himself a few years ago so knows what it's like.

whiteflame · 21/03/2011 18:59

Ex-PhD student here, and it doesn't even get better as a postdoc Wink

I am lucky in that my partner has also been a PhD student, and so understands perfectly. I do have other people asking me if I'm still at university though. And when I'll be 'going out into the real world'. Of course, post-doc land is a magical, wonderful place...

JaneS · 22/03/2011 17:41

Your DP is being a twat, then. I think in some ways lab-based people have it easier - at least they have to be at the lab. I'm Arts, but luckily when I started out my student grant was more than what DH earned, and I think psychologically that's a huge help in reminding him that what I do is hard.

Mind you, he has the desk and the big computer and I have the sofa and a netbook, which does occasionally get on my nerves! I'd love a proper desk space.

Did your DP do an undergrad degree recently? It stuns me how different the PhD is from undergraduate - I was quite depressed during my undergrad and would sleep for about 14 hours a day ... didn't impact on my socializing or, in fact, my work. People I knew from back then fall about laughing when they find out what they do as they think it must be a walk in the park. It's not!

notremotelyintofootie · 22/03/2011 19:14

Hi littlereddragon,

No he's not done a degree, he did a couple of modules when ill with anxiety issues and has just finished an nvq3 with work but again last night he accused me of being obsessed with my phd and putting it first, laughable when I have to scrape together chunks of time to try and work while he swans off into town/ pub a few times a week and has all the lie ins etc! Arghhhhh

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JaneS · 22/03/2011 19:24

Oh dear. Sad

Do you have to work at home? Can you go to the library or somewhere? It might be that if you're out of the house he'll have less reason to assume you're not working?

If it were me, I'd find excuses to get out of the house and show him that although a PhD is flexible work, it is work. Go to a conference, go look at something elsewhere, whatever it is.

Ephiny · 22/03/2011 19:56

Do you have a desk/office space at the university? For me I think it helps me and others take it seriously if I get up and go to work every day and do a fairly normal day. I like to have a day working from home sometimes, and it's good to have the flexibility to work in the evenings/at weekends instead when you want, but generally the workday routine is a good thing.

I realise this may not be possible if you have young children at home though...

notremotelyintofootie · 22/03/2011 21:44

I do have a desk at uni but the lack of childcare means I only get to go in for 3 afternoons a week at the moment... I have applied for a grant to cover extra Childcare from sept for dd (16 mths) bur dh doesn't like the idea of her being in childcare for more time....

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moondog · 22/03/2011 21:46

Hmmm, well maybe if he looked after her more, you wouldn't need more daycare.

He doesn't need a book to tell him to change. He just needs to do it.

Ephiny · 22/03/2011 21:51

Just what I was going to say, if he doesn't want her to be in childcare for some reasons of his own, then he needs to arrange a way to stay home and look after her - it shouldn't be all your responsibility! It sounds like he sees you as a SAHM with an inconvenient hobby Angry

JaneS · 22/03/2011 21:54

Can you go in to the library during the evening? I'm trying to think of things that will make him wake up and realize he needs to look after her while you work. If your library opens after 5 (and I've not heard of a university library that doesn't), then could you tell him you're leaving him with his DD and going out to work?

It's a bit bloody rude of him to lay down the law about daycare when you're the one who's doing a full-time job and much of the daycare! Angry

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 22/03/2011 21:56

if you don't finish on time are you going to be liable for extra fees?
if not perhaps you should tell him you are, that would concentrate his mind....

notremotelyintofootie · 23/03/2011 21:08

Hi sorry for delay in reply!

Yes if I dont finish I have continuation fees plus my bursary runs out!

Library in the evenings is awkward as dh works varying shifts so hardly here and then some of the evenings he is 'here' he pops out for a bit....Hmm

Still, this week I am writing down everything I do to show him how crap the current situation is!

Feeling good about my work though Grin !

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JaneS · 23/03/2011 21:39

Yes, but if you're not there he can't 'pop out'!

I do see that he is being a pain, but if you keep fitting around what he does, he'll keep not taking you seriously.

Btw, I hope I don't sound harsh - I'm incredibly admiring of anyone who can do a PhD with kids around. I have none and still find it a strain!

notremotelyintofootie · 23/03/2011 21:48

That's ok, I know what you mean... Unfortunately he 'pops out' on way home from work!

I don't know how I do it but I guess I will know if I am managing whn it comes to submission!

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JaneS · 23/03/2011 21:54

This does not sound good for you. Sad

I don't know how you do it and you must be an amazing worker. But what happens after the PhD? Will he still be assuming your job is less important than his?

notremotelyintofootie · 23/03/2011 23:02

Who knows! He made a glib comment yesterday about psychology being a subject like media studies and I brought him up on that and told him clearly that if he doesn't respect it then he won't be reaping any benefits of if, that I would be keeping extra for me!

He reckoned then that he was joking Hmm...

The next few months will be telling.... Luckily I just have 20 interviews to finish transcribing then code 27, analyse, write up..... Eek!

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JaneS · 24/03/2011 10:07

Wow, good luck with the transcribing!

I wish I knew more about psychology - I'm meant to work with psychologists sometimes but don't manage as much as I'd like. It must be fascinating work.

I shouldn't pry into your life and I probably ought to stop replying now as I'm coming across as if I'm having a go, but your DP doesn't sound very kind. Teasing you about your work then pretending he isn't is a really mean thing to do - he gets to run you down and pretend he hasn't?!

I really hope you can get him to see the light. It's blindingly obvious to anyone else that if you're getting through a PhD with a small child you are clearly working a hard job.

notremotelyintofootie · 24/03/2011 10:28

Thanks, the 'funny' thing is he now works at the place where my research is based and so he knows the concept behind what I am doing (and of course the individuals I interviewed!)....

I think seeing me doing more work in the evenings may help but who knows! I just have to train ds (11) to make sure he will be a considerate, thoughtful dh to someone in the future! Lol

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JaneS · 24/03/2011 10:31

Sounds good! Smile

I know a guy a bit like your DH and his little daughter has an excellent line in 'daddy, look what mummy's doing'. Grin

Miffytastic · 06/05/2011 19:46

((NRIF)) sorry it's hard and he's not 'getting' it. does sound a little like he's threatened by it.

My OH is just unhappy when mine impacts onto life too much. If i'm upset or cross, and he can't help he rails against it and I end up backing down on my own points to calm him down

Good luck with the transcribing - you'll get faster as you chug on with them!

Carrotsandcelery · 06/05/2011 20:04

You have my sympathies. The final stages of a phd are relentless.

I am not sure if your dh qualifies in this instance but I do, having been one, have sympathy for people whose partners are doing phds. It can be a pretty lonely existence too.

You "lose" your partner, especially in the final stages, for clear and obvious reasons but you still lose them. Everyone is very impressed by them and the very clever work that they are doing but don't see what goes on behind the scenes to support them (which is why I say your dh doesn't really qualify).

I supported my dh financially, emotionally and practically throughout the period when he wrote up his phd. I was a probationer teacher at the time so had mountains of work to do myself every evening, yet I cooked, cleaned, read and corrected his work etc.

No one made a big fuss about what I had done, or the lonely hours that I had spent, but they made a huge fuss of him, quite rightly, when he passed.

I see my BIL in the same situation now. My SIL is in the final stages of qualifying in her line of work after years and years of study. Everyone praises her and makes a fuss yet BIL is the one who has done a full time job, shopped, cooked, cleaned, dealt with panics and tantrums, lost his social life etc. He is very proud of her too, as he should be, but these courses often impact on everyone, not just the person studying.

All that said, I don't think your dh is behaving very respectfully or fairly. It does sound like he sees you as a SAHM and your course as a wee thing to keep you entertained and I do think you should try to have an honest and frank discussion with him and to share the home and child care responsibilities more fairly. If he doesnt want dd in childcare more then he will have to provide an alternative as you have work to do!

Good luck!

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