Gradually dawning on me that my dd suffers from being shy. How should we all handle this?

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Shyness is not something I know much about .

But I can see that 10 y/o dd genuinly is shy now, she gets lost for words and blushes quite easily, in the company of adults in particular. She says she feels shy.

I don't want to jolly her along, or dismiss it out of hand, or even let her off mixing with adults in social situations.

I'm not trying to cure her. Just looking for pointers on how to help her deal with it.

Thought some shy mumsnetters, or mumsnetters who were shy as children, might have some ideas for me ...

Is she shy with all adults? Or just ones she maybe isn't that familiar with.

When I was young I was "shy" but once I got to know people would open up more. For example I was quite happy to sit with my mum and her friends at coffee mornings etc, but if we had a house party and the same mums were there with their partners I would retreat into myself because I didn't know the men very well. I suppose I am still the same now when I meet new people. It takes me a while to settle in with them. But people still think I'm shy to start with. The get a bit of a shock when I settle!!!!

My mum saw my awkwardness, but knew I wasn't shy. I was a bit of a performer. I liked to make up dance routines or learn songs to perform at school or in front of the fire at Christmas etc. She sent me to a drama group when I was 11 or 12 and I really haven't looked back since. Proudest moment was being Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when I was 16.

Is there something your DD enjoys and is confident doing? Sport or artistic? Might be worth her joining a club where she is in the company of people from different age groups?

I'm sure there will be someone on here with more experience of dealing with this kind of thing, but thought I'd share my experience.

Your DD will be fine :)

I think she is shy with all adults, except perhaps the mums of friends she knows really well and spends a lot of time with.

But, dh and I had friends to stay with us this week (they have no kids) and dd has met them a few times, although they live quite far away.

But she was decidedly odd and negative about them coming to stay - and eventually fessed up that she felt shy and knew they would want to talk to her and ask lots of questions and she was dreading it rather.

She handled it ok but she did blush - not her usual nature at all!

Sorry Bibbity, I posted then went to bed.

Bumping for you.

Yes, I went to bed too!

Would still like to hear from Mumsnetters who were shy as children - did your parents handle it well or badly? What did they do that made things easier/worse for you?

Tia

I was shy as a child and I have a shy child too.

Things that make it worse -

people commenting that you're shy - kind of casts you in a rigid mould that's hard to break.
being introduced as shy - why, why would anyone do that?
being expected to talk to so-and-so - even saying hello can be torture.

Things that make it better -

time!
let a shy child warm up to guests in their own time. Their intention is not to be rude, they're just overwhelmed by everyone else's confidence.
if my shy child becomes upset, she is allowed to leave the room until she feels better. NEVER MAKE A FUSS ABOUT IT.
pre-warning other adults/family that yes, X might be a bit shy, but it's unhelpful to talk about it. Let the child come to you.

Thank you stream. Those tips are really helpful. The last thing I want to do is make her feel self conscious!

I'm a shy adult and my shyness started at that age. I would say that you're on the right track. It can be very frustrating at times and being jollied along as if you can just snap out it doesn't help. All of Stream's tips are great.

The important thing is that she doesn't feel she's letting people down or doing anything wrong when she's feeling shy.

If she is a shy child of non-shy parents, it must be hard.

Let her do what she wants as she wants - I think you are half way there in that you have noticed, and are therefore less likely to unwittingly put her in uncomfortable situations. As others have said, if there is something in which she excels (or that she just enjoys) like drama or sport then that might help?

The worst thing for me was making 'phone calls. I hated it. The (partial) cure was to write scripts, and to practice beforehand (to myself, mostly). With my two (younger than yours) shy DC, my DM teases that I use them as social secretaries, as I get them to call GPs with messages at every opportunity - it gives them a safe means to practice, and they are both now quite good at 'phone calls

I was terribly shy as a child, and well into my student years... I liked being left in peace by adults, hated it when they tried to make conversation. Quiet, understated kindness was great, not indifference but no efforts to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up ( aaarrgghh)
It's very hard to be shy... you feel different and a bit inadequate.
I found that practising an activity I loved helped me get out of my shell. I used to dance ( not ballet, but a sort of modern/jazz thing ) and was always the first one to design costumes and get really into shows,rehearsals....as we were a group and I enjoyed it it helped me a lot.
Also sports, the very few sports I was not too bad at, practising them outside school. It was very confidence building.
But also it's good to let shy children be... I liked my own company and reading and that felt better than any noisy playground or social situation .... hope this helps!

if she can catch herself blushing, try to get her discreetly in front of a mirror, jsut the once.

unless she's a real pale faced blondy, what she feels as a BRIGHT RED DISCO LIGHTS OMG WARNING WARNING horror, can actually appear as a mildly warmed up complexion.

That takes a lot of pressure off if you can be shy & embarassed and in fact nobody really can particularly tell.

(IM personal E)

I was also shy as a child. I was always shy around adults, and this expanded to include everyone when I was about 11. I agree with everyone who has said "let her be." There is nothing worse than people trying to force you to talk. My parents used to try and make me ask for things in shops, for example, and it just made things so much worse - it really drew attention to the problem and I don't think they really understood how excruciating (sp?) it was to have to talk to someone, I think perhaps they thought that I was just being silly or deliberately awkward. Chances are she'll grow out of it in her own time.

These messages are all very helpful. Thank you.

Instinct tells you not to try and force a shy child to try and be the life and soul, but its amazing how many people can be insensitive to shyness.

Def agree with everyone who says do not go on about her being shy - or comment on it to another adult in front of her (thanks pretty much all my adult relatives) or tell her off for being rude if she's too scared to speak (thanks Dad!)

I was 'the shy one' but only compared to all my loudmouth extremely extrovert relatives. Have not been known in adult life to be shy and no probs with public speaking or anything. Am probably a bit reserved with people but not new people actually people who I've only met once or something. And weirdly still blush occasionally. Just let her sit there and not talk or hang round in her room. I reckon you grow out of it sooner if not made a big deal of. One of the things my lovely friend used to do when we were teenagers is tell me someone else was shy at a party and tell me they might need someone to talk to so I forgot about myself to try and help them iykwim.

I was quite shy as a child and my DS1 (5) is me all over! He is initially very shy and will cower away from situations but once he has the lay of the land and is a bit more comfortable he is quite outgoing. I wont be doing anything about it. I prewarn people to just let him be. He will take his time and he will be fine. I find if he is allowed to take his time he actually comes around quicker. It can be frustrating when he tries to avoid things/events that I know he would otherwise enjoy -birthday parties etc. We chat a bit about them before hand but not for long just highlight the positive in a breezy way and then I stay until he is comfortable. Sometimes tho he can get clingy if he is late into school or something and there are a good few there before him. I tend to play those moments down. Stay breezy and encourage him on but exit fairly swiftly I find if I feed into it, it gets worse iykwim
My parents pretty didnt make a big deal of it with me until I was about 14. Then my mum just mentioned that there were things/situations I would have to learn to deal with as part of growing up. It was one of those big conversations! After that I had to make a lot of phonecalls/organising etc myself. They were always supportive but they did 'put me out there' a little. i.e enroll me in courses or summer camps where I wouldnt know a lot of people. It actually worked! Helped me realise that I could get beyond it.