Ways to allow dd to 'just be'

[Alwaysworthchecking]

DD is 7 and year 3. She's a daydreamer, reads avidly and is a lovely little person. She loves to do lots of activities (ballet, Brownies, swimming, choir, etc.) and is very sociable - thrives on social interaction.

It's quite hard to get her to finish tasks though (for her teacher as well). I usually find myself nagging her to get on with things. She gets scarcely any homework (love that school!) but unless I sit over her, it doesn't get done. Her room is littered with half-finished projects and little scraps of paper which mean something to her and she's always saying, 'No - I want that. It just isn't finished yet,' and so the little scraps continue to gather dust on the carpet, left untouched by her for ever more.

All very frustrating, but I don't want that to be the case. I don't want her to think she's got to change to win approval (at the moment I suspect she does think that). If I just step back and don't nag her, what do you think the consequences will be? She'll never gain independence if everything takes mum and dad to nag her into compliance, will she? If I step back and just accept that we're going to be late for everything and dd will not be handing homework in on time, will she get the hang of it and find her own rhythm? She's very self-motivated - star charts and stickers have never meant anything to her - but obviously not on the things I count as important!

Anyone tried just stepping back and shutting up and did it work? I can see so much of myself in her and it took me until well into adulthood to find my rhythm, but then I was nagged and made to feel a bit inadequate. Don't want dd to repeat that (anymore).

Any advice/experiences? Thanks.

no experience as such but could you get her a basket or box to put all the half finished things in to at least contain the mess?

I was going to suggest an unfinished project box too! That also helps because if she ever says she is bored you can suggest she goes and looks through her projects box, throws out anything she doesn't want any more and maybe does some more on a project she does find interesting.

I am a bit like your DD by the sounds of it. TBH I probably wouldn't step back completely - there will be penalties etc for being late sometimes and although your DD might be the one making you late, I don't think it's fair to just let that happen while she's so young.

But I do think your drive to want to help her find her rhythm is good :) perhaps you could sit down with her and talk about things which are good about being a dreamer (good imagination, lots of ideas, being an interesting person ) and reassure her that you were exactly the same when you were little - but then talk about the difficulties it can bring such as being late for things, not being able to find things when you want them, etc. I wouldn't present the mess or leaving until the last minute as problems in themselves but just talk about problems which can happen when you do these things, and then think up together some ways which you could lessen these problems. There's a good framework in How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk if you are a bit daunted by the thought of such a conversation.

Um in short (see I'm waffly and generally disorganised too) I think you can help her manage the difficulties this kind of personality can bring without nagging or making her feel inadequate.

And if you're going to talk about problems how about presenting to her which things cause genuine problems e.g. being late might annoy a friend or mean you miss the start of something, and then letting her come up with other problems or reasons why things might be problematic. (If that makes sense). Just so it comes across as more of a discussion than a lecture - which it isn't meant to be at all, it's a useful skill to be able to discuss your problems with someone and bounce ideas around for solutions.

Thank you both. An 'Unfinished Projects' box appeals to my control freak nature.

I've got that book - I'll go and look it up and we'll have a chat. Thanks!

We have the same problem with unfinished projects except that I am less tolerant than you.

I keep reminding DS that it exists and is unfinished (he has a tendency to forget what he has started) and eventually if it sits untouched for months or we need space for the other unfinished projects, I set a deadline by which it needs to be finished or dimantled/binned. This often helps him find the motivation to finish things he's really interested in or to accept he has lost interest.

With the homework, could you ask her when she plans to do it before the deadline?Eg we are in the habit of looking at what homework needs to be done after breakfast on Saturday. The children say when they plan to do it and we make sure it realistically fits round other plans they might have or we might have. If your child says Saturday after lunch, you remind her at lunchtime what she said and make sure she gets started on it after lunch. Of course, if she really doesn't want to do it then, because something else crops up, she has to figure out when else she can fit into the weekend.
I find it helpful to expect to have at least 15 minutes 'faffing' time. But sometimes they are really motivated to get it done and they get cracking straight away.

HTH

The bit I'm thinking about is the boy who is always late home from football or something like that, if that helps :)

You sound like a wonderful mother who is genuinely in touch with her daughter.

I was/ am a bit like her... And my DD is showing all the signs, so I'm watching with interest.

Btw, when I set a deadline for a project to be finished, it is usually several days away, not 'if you don't finish it in the next 30 minutes then.....'

I think you can actively help her become more organised without nagging.

Unfinished project box - tried that. We have about half a dozen of them. And a large cupboard. In fact, we have an unfinished project room (otherwise known as half the kitchen). And it tends to colonise other rooms as well....

So, no, I would say that in my experience stepping back and shutting up does not work if by 'working' you mean getting your DD to realise for herself that finishing things and putting art and craft materials away is a Good Idea.

I have pointed out to her on numerous occasions that half-finished projects tend to turn into unfinishable projects because if she leaves them lying around, bits get broken or go missing, paint dries up etc etc. Hasn't clicked yet, it seems.

DD is 8, and my house has been a mess for, um, at least 7 years. DS wasn't quite so bad - he did some drawing and crafty things, but it was more train track layouts and lego creations all over the floor, and he was usually happy eventually to break them up and start new ones.

DD's homework does tend to be left until the last possible minute unless I nag remind her, and turn the TV off/take away her book/unplug the sewing machine etc, but then she does actually get on with it without a huge amount of intervention. I think having external deadlines and teachers who notice when things aren't handed in does help.

I think maybe choose which are the important things (homework etc) and then let the rest go. A project box for all her bits of paper may help you deal with the mess (I like that idea).

My DD sounds a lot like yours. Is always drawing on little bits of paper (at the moment they are all over the living room) and every now and then I put them in a pile but she gets very upset if she ever catches me throwing some away.

It's also hard to get her to focus on her homework and it's a bit like pulling teeth.

I'd go with soloovely. Some projects, like homework, do actually need to be finished on time. But other projects might just be regarded as warming-up exercises, practice, trying things out. If you insist on everything having to be finished, that might just make her less adventurous and less creative. But do keep insisting on the homework. I don't think the fact that you have to nag her at her age is anything to worry about; my ds in Yr 6 only does homework to avoid detention, but he does still do it, and he has plenty of time to get used to the idea of deadlines.

I think I was quite like your daughter as a child, and to be honest I'm not much better as an adult. I did very well at school, but found sixth form and uni more stressful than it could have been as I was always putting off work until the last minute. Even now if I know I have to do something by a certain day I'm usually doing it late into the night before, or getting up early that morning to finish it. I know that if/when I have kids I will be trying my best to help them be more organised than me! So I will be having strict routines, such as homework done straight after school, etc. I'm lucky in that my parents valued education so although I did homework etc at the last minute I did, usually, do it, whereas my husband's parents weten't bothered about how he did at school, so he didn't bother doing much work and left with no qualifications, which he regrets now.

Thanks for that perspective, Simsfan (and everyone else, too). Tbh dd is very much like me. I've learned to function, that's all. In fact, even dh, who thinks he's god's gift to organisation and efficiency, is still late for everything. Poor kid hasn't got a chance, has she? Ds is only 4 but I think eventually we'll all be able to rely on him as he's made from a different mould. Well, for everything except putting his worn pants in the wash. Sometimes he tells me, 'I left them there because I'm doing an experiment!' Worrying!

Dd does tend to do homework on a Sunday and sometimes does it on Saturday of her own volition, 'So I've got the rest of the weekend to myself, Mummy.' It's just getting her to actually sit there until it's done that's hard. I then spend the next few days reminding her to hand it in. Love the idea of factoring in 15 mins faffing time. If I'm expecting it, it won't bother me, will it?

Mamsnet, you are my new best friend!

exexpat, our dds would get on well, I suspect. They sound very similar!

I heard recently from a management consultant who does training with managers that when they have a project which they do with him as mentor for which they need about 90 hours with a deadline 90 days away, there are always plenty who call the day before the deadline with millions of excuses - none of which very convincing.
I think if you crack this one, you could write a book and become a millionaire... there are so many adults who struggle with it.
The management consultant said to us it is a case of doing an hour a day. It is true that if you can get into this kind of routine, things become so much easier. So, I think with my kids that I will gently try to get them into as many routines as possible - like that you don't always have to THINK about everything. Even though it can be a battle at the beginning, I must say that tooth-brushing and tidy-up time nowadays tend not to be questioned...

But you're absolutely right about making clear to her she doesn't have to change to win approval. I think BertieBotts is right about the chat - maybe you don't even have to relate it to her particularly. If you're the same, could you just tell her about yourself and your problems. If you don't have any examples of when you weren't organised, were dreamy and didn't follow things through, and where you had trouble, then I'll be happy to supply an endless list! :o
Could you also talk about times when you forced yourself to get yourself organised, in your own way and like that you achieved something nice.
My dd recently spent ages building a lego house. The roof kept falling in and she had to keep mending it and trying different ways until she finally succeeded. I was really surprised as she is usually easily defeated or distracts herself. I really made a point of talking to her about how she achieved what she wanted by just keeping at it and being determined. I asked her how she felt about it and how she had got the idea to use the bricks from the door actually as roof bricks (that was how she had solved the problem!). I think that this situation might come in useful for me in the future as an example of how she kept trying until she succeeded... Maybe I can use it for myself too! :)

Sorry, to keep going when I've written so much. I just thought about my dh who always used to sit down to do "homework" with his much older brothers when he was about 3. Could you all have a "homework" time when you can sit down quietly and do something which you enjoy/need to do?. So that it's not nagging her into a routine but more like now it's tea time, now it's homework time. We have a cool, something between latin american and rap (!) tidy up song which we play loud on the cd player to tidy up to - we dance around tidying up. Like that it's much easier! But, maybe there's something which you could do to make homework time special?

Thanks Piccadilly. Yes, I could write up some observations as she does her homework and I might persuade ds (4) to do something at the same time too. Him playing with cars in the background is a tad distracting for dd!

Love the lego house story! One of my stock phrases, at home with my dc and at school is, 'You kept going at that until you got it work!'

Anyway, I'll try and remember some of my (now largely repressed) tales of dreaminess for her. I know my mum has some too and there are some near-apocryphal ones told about my Nanna. (It's genetic, isn't it?)

I think this is along the same lines of talking about a project that did get completed. I am quite similar - love starting new projects, not so great at completing them, but as my job does involve pushing things through to completion then I've learnt that it does have a different feeling of reward.
You could have a conversation with her about how it feels when she starts a project - what's exciting, the idea, the vision etc - and also bring up the idea of the effort (because it always is a bit of effort) to keep going until that vision is achieved, and how sometimes the work that goes into that along with the creative idea can bring another level of feeling? Not sure if it's too much at her age but I'm sure you can think of a way to bring it to her level.