Help needed with moving towards family meals

[Dancergirl]

I posted in Food recently about ideas for family meals. In a nutshell, I have (mistakenly) gone down the doing separate food for the dc route (separate from dh and me that is!) and I've had enough.

My dds are 9.5, 8 and 4. Oldest is an ok eater - at least she is willing to try new things. Dd2 is, and has always been, terrible - she has a thing about textures etc. And dd3 who used to be quite good now copies her fussy sister!

So...this is what I do at the moment: I cook for them all at 5.30pm ish - usually something like plain chicken breast, salmon fillet, sausages, lamb chops with pasta/rice/potatoes (sometimes I make 2 carbs cos 2 out of 3 won't touch potato of any sort), sometimes boiled/fried eggs or pasta with sauce. They won't eat much veg either although dd1 loves cucumber/cherry toms/salad-y stuff. Then I cook for dh and I at 8-ish which could be anything really - shepherds pie, stir fry chicken/beef, marinated salmon, sea bass, baked potatoes with filling, pasta bake....

Once a week I cook one meal for all - roast chicken, roast pots and veg. Goes down well although the younger 2 will only eat the chicken.

So this is my idea: it might be a bit of a shock to them to suddenly only cook one thing. I thought I would do it twice a week for a couple of weeks, then 3 times, then 4 etc.

Do you think this sounds ok and does anyone have any tips? I know they eat when they're hungry but really dd2 would rather starve than try something she doesn't fancy and I can see her going to bed hungry on many, many nights. How do I deal with this?

I would go cold turkey (excuse the pun) and tell them that from now on, there will be one meal. Everyone can help themselves to what they want and there won't be anything else, but if they are hungry afterwards they can help themselves to fruit and toast. Ask them to name their three favourite meals and then make sure that they get a regular outing. Don't listen to ay whining and don't let them fill up beforehand...in fact I would make sure that the cupboards were bare of crisps, biscuits, sugary yoghourts etc before you start and keep them that way for a good while into this. There will be rebellion at first but if you all sit and eat together and model good eating, they will get there in the end.

For various reasons (including work and shifts) dh and I regularly eat around 8pm and our 2 dds eat earlier around 5.30pm. We do try and eat a main meal all together at least twice a week.

I find it easier sometimes if the main meal is at lunchtime. By say 6pm everyone (including you) may be that little bit more fraught/tired.

If I have had a stressful day the last thing I feel like is cooking at 6pm for everyone (and my dds are fairly easy going when it comes to food, so it isn't just the fussiness aspect)

If the dcs have had a reasonable cooked meal at lunchtime then the pressure is off for teatime/supper ime.

We eat at 6 every night. DD is a super fussy eater and refuses a lot of food. Last night for example, we had shepherds pie and leeks, she picked all the bits of onion out of the mince and refused the leeks. She only had nibbles of the mash and was hungry afterwards. I used to make two different meals but got fed up with it. DD and DH are both carnivores, neither can get enough meat and fish I am not bothered about meat and don't eat fish.
I'd go cold turkey too.

i think you should just do it, but i dont see why it has to be a huge problem since I dont think it is reasonable after all this time to expect dcs to eat "your" food and you not eat "theirs" - so basically the kids would have to get used to all your meals and 2 of them are fussy anyway!!

All eat together, but start out with nearly all the same food you would normally give them, which from what you say looks perfectly fine for adults to eat. Then slowly introduce the occassioanl meal that they wouldnt ordinarily eat.

kreecher - a question for you: if you don't eat fish at all, do you cook it for your family? And if so, what you do eat?

Thanks for all your replies - I have obviously been too soft! Actually, I find the whole thing v v difficult and I get quite upset (not in front of the children) that I have managed to get it so wrong. And I feel guilty about using the odd jar or two when they were babies as parents of good eaters say they put it down to never giving their babies jars.

Meh. DS1 had loads of jars and he's the best eater ever - you could give him a plate of liver and brussel sprouts and he'd eat the lot and then ask for the brussel sprouts of your plate as well. DS2 who was BLW and had family meals, not a jar in sight... well, that's a different story...

Dancer, I do cook fish for DH and DD, they had salmon last night. I had some falafal.

I don't think you have got it that wrong. You've noticed a pattern that you want to change and you are changing it, but the basic task is to get food in and you've done that!

Don't be so hard on yourself and definitely don't turn food into a battleground. Just serve one meal, possibly with a bit of variety in I.e. Veg or salad on the table and let them eat what they want. Afterwards fruit or dry toast only.

Good luck.

Oh, bollocks to that, I used jars because my DD would throw up anything except supersmooth purees, and she's always been a great eater (well, after that gag reflex thing settled down!).

It sounds like you're judging yourself way too much on how your daughters eat, and if anything is going to cause fussiness, it's having a parent who obsesses about it (I'm not saying you do, but some do). I think family meals is a great idea not just because it's ridiculous for you to have to cook twice, but because if you're eating, chatting to your husband, drinking a glass of wine, you're less likely to notice what goes into your children's mouths, and the pressure is off.

I very, very rarely cook a separate meal for DD, and I find that when I do, I really get invested in how much of it she eats; all my effort, and the dishes, and it's going to waste! But if we all eat together, I only pay attention to the extent that I can help her with cutting things up. Otherwise, I care about as much as I care if DH has cleared his plate; not at all.

So, I'd go cold turkey, explain to them that you're all going to eat as a family from now on and join in together. Your adult meals sound very kid-friendly to me, but perhaps you could involve the girls in menu planning - each of them gets to choose one meal per week (from a pre-approved range, obviously, not "chocolate ice cream with sprinkles") - to reinforce that food is a family activity?

I got everyone to choose a meal including adults, then whosever choice it was helped cook. A lot of complaints were quashed by saying well it's your choice tommorow night and you want us to eat that.

yes,agree with cold turkey.

We eat as a family, and dd is mega fussy (7) Tough. Sometimes she eats, sometimes she doesn't. It doesn't kill her, and it means she thinks about it a wee bit more for the next time.

Dancer, I do cook fish for DH and DD, they had salmon last night. I had some falafal.

So how does this tie in with cooking one meal for all? Surely if the children have to eat the prepared meal with no alternatives, why is it ok for the adult to eat something different? I'm not criticising btw, it's a genuine question.

yup, agree with cold turkey
things that help us are - putting the food on the table in serving dishes rather than plating up, so dcs feel more in control of what goes on their plate
and (the hard bit) being a bit zen about what they do and don't eat. they won't like everything, they won't want to eat everything, and that's ok really. resist the urge to commment (positively or negatively) on what they do/don't eat. Fruit only for pudding for a while, as the new habits bed down.

I would do a meal you can all eat 5 days a week like chicken or pasta. Then have 2 nights a week when you cook something they like and you dont, and that can be the night you have sea bass etc if they don't like that.

I don't worry too much about how much they eat. If I make stir fry chicken noodles my DS1 will pick out the chicken and my DS2 will pick out the noodles. If I make shepherds pie my DS2 will only eat the meat and not the potato. But I dont worry about this, at least they have eaten something and not had a different meal. Just make sure there is something on the plate they will all eat.

Don't beat yourself up about having given them jars - this really doesn't make any difference, my DS's had plenty of jars but they eat well.

Also - try some new foods you can all eat - just discovered my DS'S love kebabs (homemade ones!) and they also like Mexican wraps like fajitas.