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Parenting

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Original poster

When did you love your new baby?

25 replies

Jennylost · 11/03/2011 19:42

I know I'm very lucky to have a healthy two week old boy, but I just don't feel anything for him and can't believe that's normal. Has anyone else felt like this?

I'm caring for him okay, but it's all done on a practical level and to be honest the monotony is getting to me. Like everyone else I crave sleep, but the thing that really worries me is that I just don't seem to love him. I feel awful even typing that.

I'd really appreciate any comments from people with similar experiences.

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supadupapupascupa · 11/03/2011 19:45

my love grew day by day by day.....
only now that ds is 18months could i BURST with that special love everyone goes on about.
it is not unreasonable to not love someone you don't know, let alone under conditions of sleeplessness and worry etc.
as long as you are caring for him properly, i wouldn't worry.

but please mention this to your HV as i am no expert.

maxpower · 11/03/2011 19:45

You're not alone! It took me a long time to fall in love with my DD which, with hindsight, I put down to her traumatic birth experience. With DS, I fell in love straight away.

I can't say exactly when my feelings changed, I suppose it just crept up on me, but it was certainly longer than 2 weeks. But once I did fall, I fell head over heels.

nethunsreject · 11/03/2011 19:47

Oh, goodness, with ds1 it took a few months.

I cared for him and wanted to look after him, but no, no rush of love. I seriously thought we had made an awful mistake. Dh felt the same.

It is very normal. Sometimes you get the rush of love thing (I got it with ds2) but it is normal for a slow build to occur. Pg and birth are hard going, then there is the shock of having this person to care for, the lack of sleep, the hormones, the bone crushing monotony. Honestly, you will love the bones of him in the near future.

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PuraVida · 11/03/2011 19:49

At about 8 weeks, he smiled at became a wave hit me. Before that it was all a blur

lemonsquish · 11/03/2011 19:50

It took me a few weeks with DD1, I can remember the moment really clearly. I had a dream that someone had taken her from her moses basket and the relief I felt when I woke up and realised it wasn't true was unbelievable.

The first few months are very difficult, don't be too hard on yourself

BristolJim · 11/03/2011 19:51

Bit different for me being a bloke and all, but it certainly wasn't straight away. I hated the first six months to be honest - boring, hard work, stressful.

Then bit by bit, I just fell in love with her.

It's perfectly normal, and once you have the courage to admit it, you'll find it perfectly normal, but rarely discussed.

Hang on in there - it does get better!

lukewarmmama · 11/03/2011 19:51

Completely normal, especially if the birth was hard (and even if it wasn't). I've seen so many posts about this on MN over the years.

With dd1 it was all such a shock (even ignoring the terrible birth) that I felt anxious, protective, worried, yes, but not the warm fluffy love for months. It can take time, especially with the sleep deprivation. Just focus on taking care of you both and resting as much as possible, and it will come. Congratulations!

FourFortyFour · 11/03/2011 19:52

I loved al of mine as soon as I got the positive pregnancy test but once they were born I couldn't say I love you to them but it had to be mummy loves you. I am weird though.

Child care is monotonous and relentless and you get no thanks but hang in there, once you get that first smile...

SherbetDibDab · 11/03/2011 19:53

Personally I wouldn't mention this to a hv unless I had a good relationship with them.

You're normal.

I think the instant love bond thing is a bit like the love at first sight phenomenon. It's all very slushy and romantic but really it's just 'high'. It's the real relationship you build with a real person over the following months and years that counts.

Greenwing · 11/03/2011 20:02

For me there was definitely no rush of love at birth until DC3. It took me many months with DC2.

I am sure that caring for your new baby boy practically, being there and letting him hear your voice, making eye contact, smiling at him, and holding him is loving him, as far as he is concerned.

I remember the first real emotional rush for DC2 and he was about 14 months!

Those who adore their babies at first sight can be amazed at how much they dislike a toddler (or teenager). Please try not to worry and just look after yourself and him the best you can.
Congratulations on his safe arrival and good luck with adjusting to your new life.

littlebylittle · 11/03/2011 20:44

I don't know that I have the rush of love thing. I live my children though x

HumphreyCobbler · 11/03/2011 20:48

I didn't have that rush of love thing at all. It took me quite a few months. I think people don't talk about this enough really. You are normal.

eileenslightlytotheleft · 11/03/2011 20:51

Oh Jennylost, I know just how you feel. With DD1 I was really worried about this, and the love was a gradual beautiful process that came from caring for her. I couldn't possibly adore her more.

With DD2 I got 'it' straight away. I think that might have been because I wasn't expecting it and waiting for it the way I was with DD1. xxxx

WorzselMummage · 11/03/2011 20:55

DD, immediately.
DS took a while as he wasn't expected to survive and I had gone into protection mode and distanced myself. It was a good couple of weeks or months before I really felt that instinctive protective LOVE.

I love them both fiercely now and I think if anything my bond is stronger with DS.

MamaVoo · 11/03/2011 20:59

My love for DS came very gradually over months. I was worried as you hear so much about people feeling a rush of love as soon as they see their child, and I thought if I didn't have that then I would never feel it. If I'm honest all I felt in the beginning was resentment and annoyance. I love him now as fiercely as any mother loves her child.

Don't worry. You're perfectly normal. The love will come. Congrats on your baby.

Guildenstern · 11/03/2011 21:04

With my first, it was about six months before I stopped regretting having him, and perhaps a month or two later when I started to love him as much as I do now.

It was quicker for my second - about three months maybe?

I've never met anyone who had this rush of love straight away, although I do understand from MN that it happens to some.

mumatron · 11/03/2011 21:05

i didn't get the instant love thing until dc3.

ds it took a few months and dd1 was a few weeks.

it will come and you are completely normal!

just relax as much as possible and enjoy your baby. it will come in time.

monkeyjamtart · 11/03/2011 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Jennylost · 12/03/2011 10:43

Thank you so much everyone. It's really good to know I'm not alone in this. We'll just hang on in there and let things take their natural course. Fingers crossed.

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porpoisefull · 12/03/2011 18:02

When DS was born I thought he was amazing but I didn't love him because I didn't know him. I did after about 3 months though, and then love him more and more as time goes on.

Ieattoomuchcake · 13/03/2011 22:28

I took a few months too. DD was in SCBU because she was prem. I felt sorry for her and guilty about the horrid birth (daft I know but I felt I had put her through a lot due to me being rubbish at giving birth...). And I wanted her to be well taken care of. But that was all.

For ages I just went through the motions. Family used to comment to ms how well I'd bonded with her, but they were wrong.

I think she must have been about three months old before I had anything approaching the 'in love' feeling. She's ten months now and I absolutely adore her.

I think we all feel that as mums were supposed to have this sudden crashing feeling of love for our children, but that's just not the reality for many people.

lightwind · 14/03/2011 09:09

Totally normal. For the first few weeks after ds arrived I kept wanting to 'give him back' - not sure to whom, I just felt unable to cope with the enormous life change looming in front of me. I had had a difficult pregnancy and birth, and I found bf so hard- I just felt incredibly sorry for myself. Then, when he was a few weeks old, around 7 weeks, he smiled at me. And that was the beginning. Every day I love him more - not sure how, I just do.

Give yourself time. This is a time of huge upheaval in your life. Hopefully it will eventually begin to make sense and the love thing will happen too, good luck.

Btw, being a mum doesn't really get easier as they grow older - you just get used to not having all the answers.

NinkyNonker · 14/03/2011 11:29

I was like you for the first few weeks, I loved DD and would have done anything for her, but there wasn't the overwhelming, I could cry I love her so much kind of love. I have that now (7 months) and feel it more every day.

I think I really started to delight in her at about 4 or 5 wks, when she started smiling and I started feeling more confident.

Honestly, very normal.

B52s · 14/03/2011 13:20

Took a few months with both of mine.
It does come, don't worry.
Perfectly normal IMHO.

Meglet · 14/03/2011 13:24

I loved mine straight away but never, ever had a 'rush' of love. It was more like realising I would do as much as I could do to care for them and protect them.

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