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Parenting

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Original poster

Unsupportive Partner (?)

12 replies

Rachiebabes11 · 10/03/2011 22:16

Hi there. Im a new mum (DS is 7 weeks old) and although I'm married, I feel like a single mum. DS is breastfed meaning I'm up for all the night feeds naturally. Recently we decided on combination feeding to give me a bit of a break so now he gets a bottle of formula before bed to allow me a bath or shower or whatever. I spoke to my husband about giving me a "night off" to allow me to go out or even just a few more hours sleep during the night, but his reply was that I'm on maternity leave and he's at work, and he'll be too tired for work if he has to get up during the night.

I thought this was pretty ridiculous considering most fathers are up with their babies during the night (he sleeps through undisturbed every night). I don't know if I'm being unfair or not. Should he be getting up during the night? We're now not speaking and I feel I'm on my own. Anyone have some advice?

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Teapot13 · 10/03/2011 23:14

Congratulations!

If you are taking care of the baby all day you need to get your rest as well. He isn't the only person "working." Try not to descend into competitive tiredness arguments, though -- nobody wins!

I think many men behave childishly when the first baby comes along. I think many men are also in awe of their DPs -- you undoubtedly are much better at taking care of the little one than your DH, and he's probably afraid to get up with him in the night by himself. (To be fair, he is at a significant disadvantage if you are BFing!)

First of all, I would do everything you can to make your nights easier, and sleep in the day if you can, when the little guy does. Can you co-sleep, or is the LO in your bedroom? That makes it easier.

I get more out of my DH if I make concrete suggestions. ("I really need to sleep in tomorrow can you go downstairs with her for an hour after the morning feed?") If I just ask him to help and be more involved it goes nowhere. The best is to just hand her to him as if I have to do something urgently then disappear for half an hour.

Good luck to all three of you -- it's a big adjustment!

Original poster

Rachiebabes11 · 10/03/2011 23:32

I guess I'm just not used to it. He goes out with his friends whenever he wants, gets out of the house whenever he wants and basically his life hasn't changed at all. But I'm scared im being unreasonable and asking too much of him... and then i getannoyed at myself...argh!

I'll take your advice though, the "your not supporting me" arguments are getting me nowhere. Time for a change of plan!

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Spandangle · 10/03/2011 23:52

you are not being unreasonable at all.
if he is not confident enough yet to look after baby- is he doing stuff like cooking and cleaning and bringing you cups of tea? maybe he would be more willing to do this.
my XH was like this and I just used to hand him the baby like teapot suggested.
Have you got any family around that can help out to give you a break?

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lisababyb · 11/03/2011 15:32

Why not suggest he does it on a weekend??

I think this is a common man thing, my DH gave me the same reply about me being on maternity leave etc... he won't have that excuse in a few weeks as I will be back at work FT. I do kind of understand in a way.. they think that you have got a routine with baby and they are a bit scared they won't cope with a crying baby at night!

Just try to sleep in the day, when you can. I used to take DS upstairs in our bed and we would have a lovley 2 hour snooze in the afternoon!

Good luck! :)

solooovely · 12/03/2011 09:21

You are not being unreasonable to expect him to help more at all. I think your job of being a new mum makes you much, much, much more tired then his job . . . whatever it is!

My DH used to do either 2/3 whole nights a week at first. Later it changed to the first feed which was at about 1am so that I got a chunk of sleep and he would do that every night. Every now and then he would ask if I could do that one if he was particularly tired and every now and then he would do my feed at 4 so that each of us got a full nights sleep occassionally.

For a while I did all the week day nights and he did Friday and Saturday and maybe one during the week. We kept changing depending on tired levels in us both and to try out different ways to see what worked best.

If your life has completely and utterly changed and his hasn't at all then he is not doing his job as a dad. This will lead to resentment and I have even seen it lead to divorce. You have to start as you mean to go on and it sounds like you are trying to do that but he's not listening.

viewfromawindow · 12/03/2011 16:57

Are you sure you haven't married my ExH??????? This was exactly his attitude! Turned out that actually he wasn't mature enough to be able to handle the responsibility of a family and didn't love me enough to care if I was struggling. Nice.... and solooovely it did leave to divorce. He couldn't cope (ho ho) and left me for an old girlfriend.
Does he have any male friends that have kids? My ex was the first to become a dad and so I don't think he had antone (apart from me!) to put it into perspective. If your husband does have friends can you get one of them to speak to him and explain he is being a t**t?

solooovely · 13/03/2011 21:03

How's things going?

preciousmum · 13/03/2011 23:27

Hi.You are not the only one,my first baby is 5 years now.\My situation was the same,i was BF,and him sleeping.Had no help what so ever,and no familly around.I used to do cleaning,cooking......all on my own.And i used always to co-sleep for 2 hours in the afternoon nap,that did help to recharge my battery,just try to be a bit organised for your own sake.I used to cry and argue ,but didn't get me anywhere,at the end,i imagined my self as a single mum,for my own benefit,to be able to carry on for my child.Things would be better if they can help,but you can't change someone else,so try to change yourself.And keep focus on your health and yoyr baby's one.All the best to you:)

nailak · 13/03/2011 23:38

i think i agree with the point that sometimes you have to do something concrete rather then general discussion, as in heres the baby im going and then go, a lot of men feel a bit intimidated by new babies and unsure of themselves round them..

solooovely · 14/03/2011 14:46

So what happened preciousmum? Did you stay together or become that single mum you imagined yourself as? I don't see how you could carry on a marriage like that without long term resentment. :(

Original poster

Rachiebabes11 · 14/03/2011 23:17

Well after 2 days of arguments we finally agreed that he would do the feeds on a friday and saturday night... thank god! Took quite a while as he was too bust listening to his single friends who don't have children.
But I completely agree, if it had went on much longer I would have probably walked out. We'll see how things go though!
Thanks for all the advice girls, I really do appreciate it!

OP posts:

solooovely · 15/03/2011 08:04

Oh yay! Glad he's seeing sense.

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