How do you say no to bad playdates when yr friendly with mum?

[vannah]

In a tricky situation here, DS is in reception and has formed a couple of nice friendships -he's happy. One boy who is quite aggressive/wild and at times foul-mouthed is unfortunately a regular playdate because 1. I became friendly with the mum early on and 2.I find it so hard to say no thankyou. Feel embarrassed and the result is that DS is rude/wild/ pushes his sister around for the next few days after playing with this boy.

The mother has actually been a helpful contact - putting me in contact with my current employer so in a way I feel I owe her and cant decline playdates with her son. Other parents are very wary of this boy too and have asked that their child's friendship is not nutured with the boy...

Any suggestions on how to wriggle out or at least minimise playdates with him?

thankyou

Keep DS busy with other playdates/activities? That way you can honestly say that the other boy can't play as someone else is.

Or can you have the boy but make it clear there are rules in your house on how to behave and they might be different to his house, but everyone has different rules so if he wants to play at your house he needs to abide by your rules. Also make it clear to your DS that if playing with his friend makes him rude and violent his friend won't be allowed to play anymore so the same rules apply.

Speak with the other Mum about your house rules and ask her what she does when the friend disobeys her rules? That way you can do the same or agree what is acceptable for you to do e.g. time out, sent home. You can make out that it's your son that has the problem so the rules are for everyone not just her son.

if they ask i tend to do a "oh, i'll have to check and we'll sort it out next time..." and then just keep procrastinating!

thanks harecare, well the truth is he is genuinely busy with other playdates. He already had 3 this week so when mum called me on wed evening to ask if she can have him this friday I should have said no! 4 playdates is too much for one week, but instead got all embarrassed and said ok...

dont mind so much when the boy is here, as you say I can state my rules...

3-4 playdates a week in reception?! that sounds madness. surely he is tired out?

perhaps you could say your son is tired so youd prefer playdates once a week or fortnight? she might take the hint and her boy could get some rest time - it might help his behaviour

It is madness. Its also horrible. He is is being asked regularly for playdates from about 6 mums at the moment.
Think i need a course on how to be assertive...

I think you're being the free childcare option. Things have to be 2 ways really. If he's having 4 kids over at yours when does he have time to go to someone else's. Set a limit of 1 to yours and him out at someone else's once a week. Just say that's what you do and you're up to your limit this week so sorry, maybe next week?

Although if you don't want him to play at the other houses, my Mum always preferred to have children at ours rather than us elsewhere so she knew what we were up to, just make it a rule of 2 a week.

It's easy to be assertive, just say no, give a reason and then give another option.
e.g. No, sorry, he's had too many friends over this week and it's making me/him/us tired and irritable so our new limit is 1 a week. Would you like to come over next week?

Have you considered registering as a childminder? That way the Mum's would get their childcare - at a price, you'd be paid for the inconvenience and your son would have friends to play with.

Limit it to one playdate a week. Choose a day that suits you - or if the other boy has a regular afterschool activity designate that one as your playdate day! Tell the other mum that you are sticking to one playdate a week because your ds is getting too tired, and that you are booked up for the next few weeks so you will get back to her.

Just say your ds is v tired at the moment and you're not doing any playdates for a while. Agree that 3/week is loads! Think mine had 1 every couple of weeks in reception.

I have a similar situation. My ds is friendly with a girl who is a bit younger. I like her mum but she gets on my nerves. I know this sounds awful, she is younger and I am not saying my ds is an angel all of the time.

She clings to him and is sooooo bossy. I think it upsets my ds sometimes. She is also competitive and gloating a lot of the time 'look I've got this that and the other so there' kind of thing. It has got to the stage where my heart kind of sinks when she comes over. They don't actually play that well but fight and argue so it isn't much of a help as I end up being referee a lot.

My ds is older so at the stage where he is really into some things and will play independently and imaginatively but she sort of flits from one toy to the other and he finds it frustrating

They are different ages and have different interests and yet they seem keen to be together!

Oh well I just get on with it and grit my teeth. Her mum is lovely and I am sure her dd will mature. Once again I know my ds can play up too and I think it is harder to see past other children's faults than your own kids. It is natural

I am glad that I am not the only one who finds this tricky!

I find playdates are hit and miss tbh

My ds does not have playdates regularly but I presume it will pick up when he is at school. tbh I am quite happy about that as I have a 21 month old as well!

One a week max for us. This week we had things on four of them. Melt down by Thursday. One a week at least means that this boy would cone much less often x

1 a week max for us too and I usually limit those to Wed or Thurs as anything on a Monday or Tuesday tires him for the rest of the week and by Friday he's totally shattered. I would also 2nd the advise to make sure you lay down some ground rules with any friends that come over and I also wouldn't hesitate in calling the parent it the child is being especially rude/nasty etc.
One of DS1's little friends is a bit heavy handed (ie total PITA) but I much prefer he comes to ours as at least I can have some control over what goes on whereas I know they run riot/spend the entire time fighting at his house as DS is awful for the next few days.

Hope you work something out.
lcn

thanks for all the once a week suggestions - Ive got to do that.
Yes prefer it when they come to us but unfortunately all the mums seem to insist that my DS goes to theirs more often than they come here, plus insist he has his tea there -despite my saying but its your turn...